Is it okay to say you’re sorry even when you’re not? What about before you’ve even done anything for which you could possibly even be sorry? Actually, saying sorry before asking someone for help is one of the most effective ways to open this person up to providing the help you need. In this article, utilizing what I call the “Pre-Apology Approach”, you’ll see how doing this when the person you are approaching for help seems to be miserable or unhappy has an even more dramatically positive effect.
Here is just one example. As I approached the ticket counter, the agent did not look happy. In fact, he looked downright miserable. This was not a good sign. I needed to change a couple of items on my ticket, and time was of the essence. But, this was a man who, by the looks of things, was prepared to be difficult. How do you work effectively with that potential challenge and end up with a winning situation?
The Sages asked, “Who is mighty?” And answered, “One who can control their emotions and make of an enemy, a friend.” Okay, Burg, time to use that advice and give it your best shot.
First, I approached him with a genuinely warm, friendly smile. While this, in and of itself, is usually helpful, in this case it had no visible effect whatsoever. I have to admit, at that point I really felt like telling him to “shape up and get with it!” Of course, doing that would have just turned a “potential” enemy into a “real” enemy. Instead, I decided to gently disarm him by using, what I call the “Pre-Apology Approach.” This is where you apologize in advance for all he is going to do for you.
“I’m sorry you’ve got to even bother with all this stuff, it must be a real pain in the neck.”
It was that simple. From there he went above and beyond for me. All he needed was for someone to empathize; to communicate an understanding of what he was feeling. Can you believe it? With that one small statement his attitude completely shifted. I’ll bet he was friendlier to the customers that followed me, as well.
And that isn’t the only time I’ve seen that happen. Whether at hotels, a crowded store, within your own family, or practically anywhere else, this works. And, it isn’t so much the apology as much as your understanding that the other person has feelings about something that need to be acknowledged.
The natural reaction would’ve been to match his scowl and battle to an eventual lose/lose. My associate who was there with me compared this encounter to those typical of one of her former employers. She said he would have screamed and yelled, maybe gotten his way (though probably not), but would’ve definitely ruined the moment, and quite possibly the day, for everyone involved.
It’s always easier to get what you want or need by first helping the other person feel good about himself or herself, and about you.
The next time you are about to encounter someone you perceive to be potentially difficult, and feel yourself about to become angry, remember the saying, “A mighty person is one who can control their emotions and make, of an enemy, a friend.” And, often, the pre-apology approach will help to quickly turn things in that direction.
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WOW! It is amazing to me how you are able to take what most would present as a “tactic” to get a selfish result, and turn it into teacjing that helps people becomes servants of others!! Obviously-that is the difference between being effective or failing. Obce again-very inspiring.
Another example of the gracious, authentic way you live your life. Your approaches are objective-based – you have your eye on the solution. What makes your solutions even more powerful is how they genuinely leave people better than you found them! You include people in your solutions and “invite” them to a more rewarding outcome.
Empathy is a powerful tool, when used right. We all want to be acknowledged and appreciated, especially when we’re having a tough day. I like this example of how to put empathy to work – not only to help you reach the goals you had, but to make someone else’s day a little better than it might have been otherwise.
Another great view Bob. You seem to be able to take moments, slow them down, and analyze a superior outcome for everyone involved. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Bob; another Awesome post! We often can accomplish more, and connect more, when we are vulnerable and seek help (even in those situations where it may be possible, but difficult to go it alone). Vulnerability can be a strength in and of itself. The Pre-Apology Approach seems to remove the resistence to helping because it is empowering; it causes someone who may be experiencing themselves as a victim (and behaving by reaction) to experience themselves as having the power and choice to be able to help. We all want to help, but we don’t necessarily want to be put upon; a shift in perception. Without pre-apology, they feel victimized because they feel that they have to help (it’s their job; they are put upon), and we react because we feel victimized by their reaction; their attitude, their apathy, their anger. Instead, pre-apology makes it their choice, and the empathy of the apology elicits their own empathy toward you.
Thank you everyone for your very kind comments. Much, much appreciated!!
Hey Bob –
Great post! It reminds me of the old idiom, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I know when I confront people in a bad mood, I find i get better results when I acknowledge and empathize with their position before even asking anything. Thanks for sharing your similar experiences.
Looking forward,
Jonathan Flaks
Hi Bob,
Love this! It is so true.
Excellent as usual
🙂
Lisa…your Aussie friend!
Nice work. Some call this pre-framing. Others would call it a cognitive qualifier. Yet others will call it pacing. I like you’re label, “Pre-Apology Approach.” It’s much more specific and a great mnemonic device for itself. And, it sure beats calling it the “I’m-sorry-you’ve-even-got-to-bother-with-all-of-this-stuff-it-must-be-a-real-pain-in-the-neck” strategy! What a parasynthesis-in-the-behind that would be! Not to mention it is a great strategy in and of itself. It’s hard to disagree with someone after you have, in essence, agreed with their current thoughts.