People often ask if I was always a Winning Without Intimidation -type of guy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t, and certainly regret some of the ways I handled (or mishandled) situations that proved detrimental and/or hurtful to everyone involved. If I may, I’ll share one of those with you now, as I see similar incidents happen so often today. There’s a much better solution.

One day back in college, I was in a conversation with some friends and the name of a guy we’ll call “Dennis” was brought up. I mentioned that I thought very highly of him. One of the guys, obviously surprised, pointed out how strange that was, since Dennis truly disliked me, and often voiced that opinion. Another person quickly agreed with that assessment, which I later learned was correct.

Being heavily involved in school politics, it wasn’t totally  surprising that someone would feel that way toward me, but this was different. Here’s a guy I respected, who I thought was a great guy, and now I’m being told that not only did he not feel the same way, but also was very vocal about it!

The next time I saw him, I really – let’s say – communicated my anger and disgust (even writing this now embarrasses me, and is actually painful to share). Did this change Dennis’ feelings about me? Of course not. It only gave him more justification to continue to feel the same way, if not more so. And I definitely came to think of him in a very negative light.

To this day, I don’t know what I did to have originally offended him. Maybe something.  Maybe nothing. Sometimes people don’t like someone…just because they don’t. But that’s probably not so in this case. In those days, although generally a nice guy, I could be very outspoken and (ouch) even offensive.

When I look back on it now I once again think he was a good guy. And, based on what it was about him that I respected in the first place, I probably did do something – even indirectly – to have legitimately offended him.

But that’s beside the point. The question now is, “What would have been the best way to have handled the ‘Dennis Situation’ after originally finding out about his negative feelings toward me?” And how should we handle similar situations that might present themselves today?

We’ll look at that in the next article.

Meanwhile, your thoughts and suggestions?

How often does an argument ensue and hurt feelings result from an exchange of well-intentioned, or even neutral (i.e., information-type) words when, with a little bit of thought, clarification and definition, such misunderstandings, unhappiness and even resentment could easily be avoided?

Example: Pat tells you the party tonight begins at 7:30, “dressy-casual” and it won’t be that crowded. Good thing, especially that last part, because you don’t like crowds.

You arrive at 7:30 on the dot. Pat hasn’t arrived yet, most of the people there are dressed much more formally than you are, and there are a lot more people than you expected. When Pat finally arrives at 7:45, you voice your displeasure.

“Pat, you’re 15 minutes late and I don’t know anyone here, which makes me very uncomfortable. I feel way underdressed. I thought you said ‘dressy-casual.’ And, I would definitely call this a crowd.”

Genuinely surprised and confused, Pat responds, “What are you talking about? I meant ‘around’ 7:30. What’s the big deal? And dressy-casual means more dressy than casual – just not formal. ‘Everyone’ knows that. And you think this is a crowd?”

An exaggerated example, to be sure, but still somewhat typical, right? Both of you are correct and, then again, incorrect…that is, depending upon your viewpoints and belief systems regarding the terms, “7:30″, “dressy-casual” and “crowd.”

Both of you have different meanings for each of those three terms. You know what you mean. And, you naturally assume Pat’s concept/definition of those terms are the same as yours. The same holds true for Pat. In other words, you both believe you are “speaking the same language” but you’re not. And, neither of you knows you are not. You “don’t know that you don’t know.”

Now imagine you need to converse with someone who speaks an entirely different language  (not metaphorically such as “Mars and Venus” or “personality profiles” but, again, literally another language). How difficult it would be to get your point across! Universally recognized smiles aside, after that, you’ve still got to be able to communicate the words that will result in the appropriate understanding.

The one advantage here over the previous conversation is that AT LEAST YOU BOTH KNOW you’re not speaking the same language. You “know that you don’t know.”

When you think about it, the first conversation we looked at is actually more dangerous and fraught with more potential confusion. Why? Because we all walk around believing that we’re communicating when, in actuality, we often are not.

The solution, and the way to avoid misunderstanding, is to make sure you “define your terms.” And, make sure the other person does so as well.

Why? Two reasons: first, because when we define our terms, we have clarity – we know what we are saying. Secondly, the other person knows what we are saying. When we insist (politely, of course) that they do the same, we have extra clarity and understanding. And, so do they.

Example: “Pat, just for my own clarification, when you say it won’t be that crowded, about how many people are expected to attend?” or, “I’m just thinking, in case our concepts of dressy-casual are different, what do you see as being appropriate attire?”

(By the way, the phrases “for my own clarification” and “I’m just thinking” are known as “softeners” – polite lead-ins to your question which soften any type of perceived coarseness.)

So, make sure of two things: One, that you define your terms (what do you yourself mean by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”?) and two, know exactly what “Pat” means by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”. When you remember to do this, misunderstandings, which can result in negative feelings, will be much less likely to occur.

We’ll explore this concept further in future articles.

While I’ve spoken onstage for close to 20 years, I don’t consider myself, by any means, to be an expert on the art of presenting. However, I’ve learned a thing or two just by being around it for so long and watching those who are experts. And some of those “things” have more to do with what not to do.

My twitter bud, Felicia Slattery, did a great video the other night which she titled, “The WORST Way EVER to Start Your Speech: Don’t Make This Deadly Mistake!”

Compelling title, isn’t it? An excellent video, as well.

And, I agree with her. Beginning a presentation, whether to a small committee sitting around a meeting room table, or to an audience of thousands, with the words, “Hi, my name is…” could hardly be less powerful and more ineffective.

Unless, perhaps, the presenter used one other opener. In fact, personally,  it is my “pet peeve” of speaking. And, I see it used by speakers constantly; many of them who are, otherwise…really good!

So, I wrote Felicia privately and asked if perhaps she’d like to do a video about that one, as well. She encouraged me to do it, instead. (She Rocks!)

Can you guess what that pet peeve o’ mine might be? No? Then, here it is…

If you don’t want to watch the video, it’s beginning your presentation with the words, “Good morning.” GAG! To find out why this is such a “no-no” you will need to watch the video. I hope you enjoy it, and find it to be helpful.

Are there openings you find to be just as bad, dull or ineffective? Or, those that are just the opposite; they are gripping; bringing the audience to rapt attention and anticipation of the message? Felicia and I both would love for you to share your thoughts, either through written comments…or your own video!

———-

Felicia Slattery’s website is www.SignatureSpeechSecrets.com . I thank her for her video and for encouraging me to do this one.

My good friend and business partner in my Endless Referrals Licensing/Coaching program, Paul Martinelli, recently posted one of his Daily Thoughts that read:

“Very often, a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.”

Yep – I well remember being there.  Not only bought that particular tee-shirt but wore it many times. And I’ve seen – and continue to see – many others do the same, jumping to the next best “thing” (job, opportunity, deal, investment, relationship, etc.).

And, they are so excited about it…until they decide it wasn’t right for them and they move; even jump along to the next. Typically, with the same results.

I enjoyed Paul’s saying so much that I posted it on my Facebook page, where one person commented, “Yes, but a change of scenery can be very refreshing.”

And, she is right. A change of scenery is not only refreshing; in certain circumstances, it’s the correct choice to make.

However, I believe Paul’s point was that – assuming, in terms of personal growth and development, we are not at the level we believe we should be – if we don’t first change ourselves (i.e., build a better self) then no matter where we go, who we meet, whatever new situation we find ourselves in, we’re still going to have the same basic problem…ourselves.

Once we change ourselves, then sure, new scenery, based on a well-thought out decision, may bring with it new opportunities for growth and expansion.

Question: have you – at some time in your life – fallen into the “grass is greener” mindset when the correct course of action was simply to improve your own lawn? How are you doing with that now? When you make an outside change, do you see a difference in results based on the internal changes you’ve made?  Please share your thoughts and experiences with us.

Okay, cat-lovers, please don’t get mad. I’m a dog-person. I love them; I adore them. And, they seem to feel the same way about me.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I also love cats. I love all animals. But I seem to understand dogs and relate to them. Cats? Not so much.

I’ve been feeding a stray cat over the past few months. I’ve named him or her “Liberty.” Why? What else does a libertarian name just about anything? Plus, he or she is free and seems to like it that way.

So, Liberty, who was at one time skinny and mean-looking, is now getting plump and healthy…and is still mean-looking.

What I can’t figure out is why he or she doesn’t seem to like me. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t feed Liberty for applause, but a dog would be like, “man, you ROCK! Thank you so much for the delicious meals, pillow, dry towels, ‘dog-nip’ and the toys you put out here for me. Would you like to be my human? Huh? Would ya’?”

Liberty eats and then walks away without a glance (on several occasions, however, first stopping off to indulge in some catnip. She seems to get really buzzed from that stuff, yet has thus far not ordered a Pepperoni Pizza and watched reruns of The Twilight Zone).

The other day, as he or she was leaving after what appeared to be a delicious meal, I muttered something under my breath about being unappreciative.

I’m not sure, but I think it gave me the finger!

Earlier in our “would-be-human” and “refuse-to-be-anyone’s-pet” relationship, I tried to trap it. The woman at our local humane society suggested I do that so we could get it spayed/neutered and checked for any diseases Liberty might have. She even told me how to set the trap and loaned me one of those cages.

Unfortunately, Liberty was sort of like the Roadrunner and I most resembled Wile E. Coyote. Couldn’t catch it; kept outsmarting me. Plus, I just didn’t have the heart to trap the poor thing. After all, its name is “Liberty.” How do you trap something named Liberty!?

Depending on what happens, I might post some more about this really strange cat. Just don’t let him or her know; he or she is kind of private and not into publicity.

In our previous three articles about my new business hero, Le Herron, we’ve learned some principles of leadership that many of today’s CEOs would do well to follow. That is, if they’d like their tenure, like Mr. Heron’s, to result in more fulfilled and productive employees, a continuous growth of loyal and responsive customers, and a huge increase in their company’s bottom line.

In his tremendous book, Making Your Company Human: Inspiring Others to Reach Their Potential, the near nonagenarian (yes, that would be 90 years old. And, yes, I did have to look that up on Google) , documents how leading a company through consciously putting other peoples’ interests first is the key to success.

He ran, with record profits, O.M. Scott & Sons over an 18 year period stretching from the mid 60’s to the early 80’s. In the first article, we saw how he was first inspired to lead with that focus; in the second one, we learned how he developed a very loyal and happy team, and, the third article let us in on some of his customer-focused marketing strategies that led to massive and consistent sales.

Today, let’s look at some quotes from the book having to do with what cements a customer relationship. Several of these will include what was known as their “Non-Quibble Guarantee.” They did not only guarantee product performance; they guaranteed personal satisfaction. Which meant that even if the problem had nothing to do with the product but was the fault of the customer (entirely possible with their product line), it didn’t matter. They gave them their money back; no quibble involved. And, all this did was account for huge profits, immense loyalty…and very rarely a refund.

The first quote asks an extremely important question that we should all consider regarding our product or service. Our answer won’t necessarily be the same as Mr. Heron’s, but think hard enough and you will come up with the answer that’s right for you:

“As you consider your own business, are there aspects of its success that are unique? When you have an opportunity to do something radically different, what qualities of the way you do business are worth protecting?”

“Consumers depend on what we’ve promised as a company – and their trust is in us as a company, not in any individual product per se. We strengthen that contract by offering a guarantee, not of product performance, but of personal satisfaction. In effect, Scott’s promise bridges the gap between the product itself, and the results the buyer anticipates.”

“Of course, in the final analysis it’s the customer who really determines whether or not the price/value relationship of a product is valid.”

“There are no commodity business. There are only businesses with weak consumer relationships.”

“We encouraged consumer phone calls and letters, and always responded personally.”

“How does your business succeed? The answer may not be obvious, requiring you to be clear in your perception and in the way you articulate it to your audience.”

“Open communication has the power to unlock people’s loyalty.”

“Over the next hundred years, our course will be charted not so much by whether we are first to create something, but whether we are first to make people understand what it can do for them.”

“There is no other way to sell value than by education.”

“A Scott’s customer has to understand the relationship between price and value.”

“It’s hard to go far wrong if we keep our {customer’s} interests at heart.”

“The Non-Quibble Guarantee required us to trust the consumer as much as we wanted the consumer to trust us. In my opinion, this was a low-risk proposition. Most people try to live up to the trust of others, and not take advantage of it. And in fact, we found that very few people asked for their money back.”

“What we are actually guaranteeing is not the product, but the customer’s satisfaction. And satisfaction, of course, is purely in the eye of the beholder.

{Note from Bob: Regarding their guarantee, there was a lot of marketing psychology that was involved here that is beyond the scope of that article, but was quite fascinating and enlightening. Pages 78-81 when you read the book.}

You might recall that – in the initial article – I mentioned that I didn’t know Mr. Herron personally. Well, now I do (I love my job) . Having heard about this blog series from Kristin Kern (while I knew she designed the book’s cover, I didn’t know she knew him personally), Mr. Herron actually called me to thank me. And, he was as sweet and humble as one would imagine by reading his book.

And, remember his encounter with the old sergeant that resulted in Mr. Herron’s entire leadership philosophy? He shared with me some additional thoughts about that which takes the importance of the encounter to an even higher and more dramatic level.

And, we’ll discuss that conversation in our final article about Mr. Le Herron.

Thus far, in our series on gossip, we’ve covered five methods of, not only breaking our own negative habit, but helping others to do the same.

But, just because we’ve improved – perhaps dramatically – in a certain area, doesn’t mean we’re perfect. In fact, based on my own life, I can definitely say perfection is not an option.

So, if (or when) you slip up and find yourself gossiping, don’t berate yourself. It’s okay to feel a little badly about it, but don’t emotionally beat yourself up. Instead, take the following steps:

#1. Acknowledge your mistake (you’re only human, after all).

#2. Amend your mistake by apologizing both to your Creator (if this relates to your belief system), and, if possible, to the person you harmed with your words (this isn’t always possible without further hurting them so – depending upon the unique and individual situation – be careful in your decision).

#3. Decide and be determined not to do it again.

#4. Rinse and (DON’T) repeat. The next time a similar situation comes up where you have a chance to gossip and you don’t do it, you’ll know you’ve taken a huge step. Congratulations!

And, if instead, you mess up again? Repeat the above four-steps. You’ll get the hang of it…and you’ll be healthier and happier as a result.

Of course, you can always review the past three articles whenever you feel you need a refresher in overcoming the gossip habit.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Speech is power.” It is. It truly is. And, like every other principle of life, it can be used for good or for evil, to help or to harm, as a blessing or as a curse. It is up to you and me; all of us, to use that power in a way that benefits and builds instead of denigrates and destroys.

I’d love to hear your personal stories regarding anything we’ve discussed in this series. Of course, don’t mention names, other than yours. And, if it would help for you to remain anonymous, that’s fine, too.

While this series now ends, we’ll be back with more on this topic down the road.

In Parts One and Two we explored the first four steps to overcoming the Gossip Habit. They include Awareness, Decision, Avoidance and Action. Now, let’s actually turn a potentially negative situation into something good.

#5 Play the “Reverse Gossip” Game

This is where, when someone says something negative about someone, you relate a good point or characteristic of theirs, instead. Pat says, “Tom is really lazy.” You respond, “I’ve never noticed that. Sure has a good way with people, doesn’t he?” Caution: Be very tactful. Appearing antagonistic will only lead to argument and more negative talk.

Taking this to another level, if two people constantly express their mutual dislike in the form of gossip,  say something complimentary to each one about the other, get them to agree, and then share that. Ahhh, “Reverse Gossip” at its best. You might just make peace between them, which is one of the most righteous deeds a human being can perform.

Here’s how it might play out…

John: Mary is really lazy.

You: I’ve never noticed that.  She is talented, wouldn’t you agree?

John (Grudgingly): Yes, I guess so.

Later you see Mary in the coffee area and the conversation goes as follows…

You: I was talking with John earlier. He was saying you are very talented (after all, he did agree to that, didn’t he?).

Mary: Wow! I didn’t know he thought that of me. I’ve always felt he was very judgmental and snobby.

You: Hmm, never picked up on that. Really hard worker, isn’t he?

Mary: Well, I guess you have to give him credit for that.

The next day you and John are talking and you happen to mention…

You: Mary was talking about how hard a worker you are.

John: Really? Didn’t think she liked me, but maybe she’s not so bad after all.

Now, the next time John and Mary cross paths they both see each other in an entirely different light, with a completely different attitude and set of expectations – one of peace, enjoyment, and kindness. And it all happened because of you.

So far, great. Not only have we licked our own gossip habit; we’re helping others with theirs, as well. But, what happens when you fall back into old ways? It’s certainly happened to me.  We’ll look at that in the next installment.

In Part One we defined Gossip as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”

In discussing the five steps necessary to break this destructive habit, we saw that Step #1 was to be aware that you have this problem, and Step #2 was to make the decision to overcome it. Let’s continue.

#3 Build a Fence, or, “Don’t Bring Home The Oreo’s”

In Other words, as much as you are able to, keep away from situations that usually lead to gossip. In the same way that a fence will hopefully keep an unwelcome neighbor from entering your property, or not keeping Oreo cookies in your home will keep you from indulging in an 11:00 junkfood snack, avoiding “gossip-laden” situations will help you to resist that particular temptation.

#4 As David Bowie Sang, “Ch-Ch-Ch-Change” (the subject, that is)

Whether talking to an individual or to a group, if you sense gossip about to be spoken (or it just has been), quickly – yet smoothly and tactfully – change the subject. Don’t insult, put down or embarrass the person who’s talking; just simply change the direction. How to think of something on the spot to change it to? That’s where preparation comes into play.

Have, in your mind, several topics, recent events, or other happenings (non-gossipy, of course) into which you can easily segue. If this fails to stop the gossip, simply politely excuse yourself and exit stage left (or right). If they ask why you are leaving. you can either suggest (kindly) that talking about others makes you feel uncomfortable, or you can simply say you need to leave. You are telling the truth; you DO need to leave…in order to avoid listening to gossip.

In the next article, we’ll look at the fifth and final step; this one actually “reversing” the process…in a good way.

Let’s define Gossip as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”

Of course, there are those rare instances where negative information is necessary to communicate but that would not be gossip. And, even that comes with very strict rules and guidelines. (We’ll discuss that in a future article.)

Gossip, as defined above, ruins lives, destroys reputations, splits families, alienates friends and co-workers, and generally infects any type of organization where it is introduced.

With the above definition in mind, it can legitimately be said that there is nothing positive about gossip

Gossip hurts everyone. Everyone!

So, how to we break our own habit of gossiping, as well as discourage others from doing so in a kind, tactful  way. The following five steps will help.

#1 Be Aware:

Like any habit, problem, or sickness, we must first be aware we have it before we can make a decision to rid it from our lives. I was, for many years, very much a gossip. I unintentionally hurt a lot of people; most of all, myself (though I feel worse about the others since I deserved the hurt).

One day about 15 years ago, while reading a book  that had a section on that topic, it suddenly hit me “right between the eyes” that what I was reading about was me. While this discovery was very upsetting, it was the epiphany I needed and turned out to be the beginning of a huge change in my life, and level of happiness.

#2 Make a Decision

Yes, at that point, I made a conscious decision to end that very destructive habit, no matter what it took. If this is you, you can do the same. Decide right now that, despite the fact that it’s become a comfortable and familiar part of your life, you are going to stop it, right now!

If you feel that it’s impossible to go “cold turkey” then take it step-by-step. Decide to speak 10 percent less gossip per day for the next week, then another 10 percent, then another, and so on. Or, don’t gossip about certain things that you usually do. Begin by cutting out altogether, or cutting down significantly, all gossip around the office. Then, about friends or family.

We’ll pick this back up in the next article. Meanwhile, is this something you can relate to? Do you know of someone else it relates to? If so, don’t share it. That would be gossip. Hopefully, however, the information we’re covering will help you to be able to eventually help them.