Back in college, I was heavily involved in school politics. Whether in college or the “real world”, anyone in public is subject to opinions that are not always complimentary. In those days, I was prone to taking this type of criticism personally. Very personally!
I’d often complain to my friends, Bruce and Joe about this “unfair treatment.”
At the time, Bruce was President of the college’s Student Government Association and Joe was Senate Chair. One thing I really admired about them both was that they didn’t seem to mind criticism that would come their way. I found that quite fascinating, because it surely bothered me!
Whenever I’d moan about it, Joe used to simply say, “Bob, consider the source!”
In other words, before getting upset, determine how much weight you should even give this person’s opinion.
Actually, considering the source of the criticism is a good idea at both ends of the spectrum. When receiving disturbing feedback, if the source has said similar things that were nonsensical or baseless, we can pretty much “chalk it up” to a pattern and not pay it a whole lot of attention. (Unless, of course, he or she has a valid point.)
On the other hand, if you know the source to be rational and clear-thinking, and if you’ve previously agreed with some of their other thoughts, now it might be productive to “consider the source” differently. Perhaps their critique should be given thoughtful attention. Not that you have to agree, but a look from their viewpoint might turn out to be very helpful.
Even if you were to take someone’s criticism seriously, you still do not need to take it personally. Those are two different concepts. Either way, this is an excellent opportunity for practice. First, practice determining whether the criticism is worth taking seriously. If it is, act accordingly and be prepared to make changes. Secondly, you can practice not taking it personally, regardless of the first part.
Either way…consider the source!
How do you do in that regard?
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Taking things seriously rather than personally is excellent advice, for sure. If I stay objective and take it seriously, I can actually learn something. And if I take it personally, I’m gonna get my feelings hurt…and probably NOT learn something.
I’m really good at the first part — not letting what others I don’t respect say bother me.
In the second part my reaction would be, in part, based on the delivery. Like many, if I feel attacked I go into defense-by-attacking-back mode. But most people who are genuinely concerned are also softer in their approach, in which case I’m always very receptive.
The third category — one you didn’t mention — is one of my hardest. It’s where the source isn’t talking with me, but about me to others. My struggle is in not fighting back. But I’m growing in that instance. Not that long ago, over a period of about six months, I tried to softly help someone with an incredibly difficult personal issue that was impacting business relationships. But it backfired, because when we got down to the nitty gritty reality help wasn’t welcome. In the end, I was accused of being disloyal and viciously attacked behind my back to several people I truly respected. It actually did severe damage to two relationships and I believe it slightly damaged a few others. But I kept my lip zipped.
I remain proud of that, but it obviously still smarts, because your article brought it front-of-mind.
I guess the opposite of that is how I do when I’m not the target of the criticism, but the third party. In that instance, I remind myself “If Joe is willing to say these things about Sally to me, I wonder what he would be willing to say to Sally about me.”
Gill, I think most of us of the “human persuasion” 🙂 are bothered by feedback when we are attacked. To be able to separate the the attack from the feedback is when we know we are the most effective. Still, much easier said than done. Yes, the third category is very difficult indeed, mainly if you feel the talk is continuing and you are not able to put an end to it. And, yes, in terms of the very last part, listening to criticism that is not absolutely necessary to be communicated (but where you suspect the person finds pleasure in doing so) is definitely a warning sign. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Consider the source… Always…. However I tend to feel that any criticism that comes my way from whomever it comes is a message from the universe… there is always a way to put a positive spin on what you hear… And when you look at it as an opportunity for growth it’s very hard to “take it personally” ….. I’d much rather hear something from the universe… Than nothing!:)
Wow – Linda. Great teaching, as always. Thank you for sharing!
Dena, I agree. I meant consider the source in terms of how seriously you take the actual situation from that individual person. But we *always* know that *everything* is a message from the Ultimate Source! 🙂
When our feelings get hurt, we get angry at the person, rather than his/her actions. Considering the source reminds us of the divine value of being human.
Hi Ali. Yes. And, perhaps where we have room to grow. Great point!
Bob, I was just dealing with this in my own life. There are some anonymous people leaving negative reviews for one of my books on Amazon, and I let that get me down. I decided to reframe what is happening and finally decided that I should be glad anyone thinks about me often enough to write something. Thanks for this great reminder to always consider the source.
Connie Ragen Green
My pleasure, Connie. And, when it comes to the negative book reviews on amazon…not to sound “Clintonian” but, “I feel your pain.” :-). It certainly has happened to me. And, it is indeed VERY good practice at considering the source (as well as what they say) and in not taking it personally. And, I love the lesson you just taught; being grateful that someone thinks about our work enough to even comment. Great idea!
After reading this, I find I use those words more than I realize. Not being a drama queen, I attempt to immediately look at the source prior to getting involved in any discussion. There are also times, as you mentioned, when I have agreed with someone, the source & find myself in disagreement with a particular point or subject. That doesn’t mean I will discredit any of the previous points I agreed with. It simply means, I can agree to disagree. I have to consider the source of their source. I find I P.D.C.A. quite a bit when information challenges my thinking. If the source is credible, I have to be a big enough person to admit my sources [which is normally myself] were wrong!
In the business world, I have discovered I weigh the source even heavier in different areas. For instance…. I was shopping with a friend yesterday & mentioned the first thing I consider in any business is their cause. Before….I never considered that as important. In the past few years, I have rejected many business offers because of the lack of a cause. What is the source of their inspiration?
Being in business, “good” people have criticized, condemned & complained about what I do. I have to immediately consider the source of their information or success & whether or not it is worth my time to consider what have to offer. That is when I accept, approve & appreciate them, yet continue on my journey. I am confident enough in myself, who I associate with & value what I am doing enough not to take their judgement personal. It isn’t always easy, but in the end, it’s best.
I consider you as a very credible source of information & appreciate your association!
Blessings,
g
Bob,
As you know, and that’s why you rock, listening to feedback is essential if we want to go beyond our own limitations and evolve!
It really doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative feedback as long as it gives you tips to help you improve your performance. Considering the source will help us distinguish between constructive feedback and destructive feedback.
I love what Guy Kawasaki says about this subject in one presentation:
[Begin Quote]
If a guy is a loser: it’s easy! You say ‘Why should I listen to you? You’re a loser!
That’s not the dangerous bozo! The dangerous bozo is the leader of the previous innovation curve. Just because he was successful in the previous innovation curve, doesn’t mean that he knows what’s going to be the next great innovation. Let me prove it to you.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
~Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.”
~ Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
~Apple’s founder Steve Jobs tries to get Atari and HP interested in the Machintosh.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
~Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
[End Quote]
Thank you Bob for calling our attention to this issue!
I’ve always loved the quote ‘What other people think of me is none of my business’ because it’s a reminder not to get too hung up in making sure you’re popular. But when it comes to running my business/my brand, what others think of me absolutely can matter. Consider the source is a great rule of thumb to follow. Thanks, Bob!
Taking criticism well is one of the hardest things we need to master in business and life in general. It hurts and we are wired to react to hurt.
The thing is, the degree of hurt is often of our own making. By that I mean we let ourselves react as if our physical being is threatened and there for some defence mechanism needs to be triggered (fight or flight).
So the trick is to subdue our inclination to react right away. Look at the source is a a good first step but take it further. What is the motivation of the person offering the criticism? Most often the worst criticism is really about them and not really about you (sounds like a good theme for a book).
I don’t agree with the approach of not respecting anyone who disagrees with you and dismissing the criticism because of that. I think the nobler approach is to show respect to all other people whether or not they seem to deserve it. Hey, I’ve probably annoyed someone with my criticism too; we are all human.
Grow from the criticism in one of two ways: look to see if it is valid or a wise alternative and learn/improve, or learn how to deal with the criticism in a positive way (not getting walked over either).
I think Seth Godin might have said something like “if everyone likes you and agrees with you you are not making much of an impact… take a side”. So dealling with criticism is something you need to deal with to make a difference in the world.
In any event, I fully admit I am not there yet and need to work on my reactions. In the meantime if I offended you with my criticisms, I am man enough to be genuinely sorry for how it made you feel.
As a human, I take it all very personally (at first) and even more personally if I know and respect the person. However, over the years, I’ve stayed in the e-motions part a shorter length of time and take motion more often since I heard, Blair Singer, speaker, describe “when the emotions go up, the intellect goes down (and visa versa)”
I remember the time when I wore a dress that I liked and someone liked it on me. Someone else commented they didn’t think it was as flattering as the other dresses I have. MMMM. Criticism is someone else’s opinion based on their “stuff”.
I find that I learn more from criticism than agreement — once I calm down and get my brains back 🙂
Maria Marsala hit one of the nails where it hurts…..right on the head!
I teach my mentees that emotion/impulse clash with vacillation/intellect and the mediator is usually intuition.
There’s also much more passion involved with criticism than with agreement, therefore, greater room for learning and growth.
Well done, Maria!♥
I’m surprised this blog didn’t have over 1000 hits already. I’m still on the path of taking criticism objectively and considering the source. It has already changed how I view certain people and issues. Thanks Bob!
Thank you, Geneva. I think of someone we refer to as a “critical thinker”…meaning – not that you are critical – 🙂 but that you continually think about thinking, and always checking your premises. Good for you, my friend!
Bruno, thank you for your kind words about me. I’m a bit surprised that Guy would describe someone as a “loser” or a “bozo.” Are you sure that was Guy? Whoever did say that (whether Guy or someone else), I think what he probably meant is that if someone is not qualified to give advice in a certain area, that would be someone it would probably be good not to take too seriously in terms of his/her opinion in that particular area. And, that just because someone is an expert in one area does not mean they are an expert across the board. More often than not…they aren’t. The effective ones realize it though.
Great advice, Kim. Thank you. Excellent distinction!
More in a moment…
Hi Doug, absolutely there was more to the article than simply to consider the source. That was just the first step. And, I’m in total agreement with you that we show respect to everyone, regardless of whether we heed (or, even honor) their advice. In my post, I never suggested being disrespectful. On the other hand, while every individual should be respected, not everyone’s *feedback or criticism* should necessarily be respected and adhered to. There are all kinds of people who will criticize, critique and advise, who are simply not qualified to do so. Others absolutely are. We need to be discerning enough to know which is which. Not all feedback is equal in quality. I don’t think this disagrees with Seth’s statement that you sited. It’s just too different situations.
Thank you, Maria. Great advice, both from you and from Blair.
Thank you, Ali. Very nice!
Nick, very kind of you. Thank you so much!
Bob,
This presentation is AWESOME: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6063693430756462055
Tune into 38:58.
Hi Bob, I think I miscommunicated the point about “being disrespectful” in that it was definitely not you who suggested it. Thanks again for the post and the reply comments… and everyone’s input into the conversation. Such a respectful bunch. I keep learning.
While I can agree that we should consider the source, I disagree slighlty. I think we should consider all of the criticism and determine how it fits within our personal lives. I would like to think that every experience – whether pleasant or unpleasant – has value. What is important is not to dwell on it so long that it consumes you. Learn from what you have witnessed and continue to move forward. The sources we face everyday are part of the learning experience and a huge part of our personal lives.
Hmmm…responding or reacting. In my experience all feedback can be positive – depends on how you look at it. When it does come across as negative, I find that it helps to remember that every communication has a postive intention somewhere behind it – even if I don’t see it immediately or ever understand it. Being in that mindset makes it a lot easier to determine what I will choose to do with it and remain respectful of the ‘communicator’ or the ‘source’. And I agree with all the comments above – that this is a learning process in itself that helps build grace and tact. Therefore, I am a happy perpetual student.
As always, great post and delicious discussion. I look forward to these everyday over my hazelnut coffee. Mornings are lovely here. Thank you all.
Hi Bruno, thank you. I saw it and you are correct. That was him. And, in context I get what he is saying and the way he said it. I’m still not sure that the word “loser” is appropriate 🙂 but that’s more a difference in styles than anything else. Thank you for sharing that.
Dough, thank you. Much appreciated!
Hi Marty, This response is both to your note above and the blog post you wrote regarding this {See the link above to Marty’s post} In terms of the disagreement, I really never wrote that what they or what anyone says should not be considered, nor did I say they could not be learned from. My friend’s advice was simply to consider the source in terms of allowing or not allowing oneself to be upset. Never did I say we could not learn from that person. I even mentioned specifically that we should ask ourselves if they are right in this case. The real point was that – all types of people will criticize; some do so after much thought and consideration. Others, on the other hand, will do it out-of-hand, just because that’s what they do. They don’t think things through and first consider things from all sides. With some people, it’s just the opposite. What Joe suggested was to “consider the source” and ask yourself, which type are they. Several people have responded to my post in a similar way, which shows me that I am lacking in the way I communicated the message. And, I also think it’s important that we don’t confuse the title or even first point of a post with the entire message. Just my opinion, of course. Thank you again, for your comments.
Leigh, thank you. Very appreciated!
Wow, a blast from the past! When I was young, whenever I came home upset about something that a kid said at school, my mom would say, “Consider the source.” I don’t recall ever asking her what she meant, but as an adult, I’ve adopted a similar process to what you’ve describe. In no particular order, I ask myself if the person might be right, check the past to see if the history shows I can rely on their feedback, and then, even if the person’s prior comments and/or behavior indicate that they have less than my best interests at heart, I consider if I’ve heard similar feedback from other people who I know I can trust.
Sometimes things said with harmful intent may come with valuable lessons. Sometimes not. Over the years I’ve discovered that just because someone might say something that hurts, it doesn’t mean I can’t learn something from the experience. The lesson might be different from what that person intended, but if you look, you can usually find a way to grow from just about any moment. Looking for the gift is often a good way to avoid taking things personally. 🙂
Thank you, Susan. Terrific thoughts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with us!