Just recently, I received a question from a reader on my Facebook page. She wanted my advice regarding a hurtful situation that came up for her. Immediately below is her question and then my response. If I may suggest; please form your own response before you read mine. Then, after you read mine, I want to begin a discussion that might or might not take us in several directions.
“Dear Bob, what do I do about a person who is angry with me because I sent her a card and gift for Christmas and who thinks that by doing that I’m trying to buy her friendship? That is absolutely untrue and I can’t understand her attitude. When I give a gift I do it to make that person happy. But since this happened I wonder if I should stop giving. I want to be at peace with people. This kind of thing has ruined our friendship for I have no desire to visit this person anymore, but I have forgiven her, for that is very important.”
Thank you for writing. I’m so sorry you are going through an uncomfortable situation such as this. Not knowing the context, history and personalities of the two of you, I have no basis upon which to form an intelligent opinion to know why she responded the way she did or the appropriateness or inappropriateness of her response. Typically, things like this don’t happen in a vacuum; either in terms of cause or in terms of one’s response.
While I understand that you’d like to know why, the fact is … I don’t know. If you read the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz you’ll see there are most likely a great number of assumptions at play within this one transaction. None of which I am privy to.
Regarding your question, “Should I stop giving?” that depends upon the reason why you gave in the first place. Again, for me to assume anything would be out of line on my part, as I simply don’t know you well enough to know. If your giving was totally pure and she – based on nothing more than her own personal belief systems – came to a false conclusion, then the answer would be, “no, don’t stop giving in the way you are giving.” Again, it is not for me to assume either way.
Would there be anything in the past history of your friendship that would cause her to think, for any reason, that the gift had an agenda attached? Again I simply do not know, so any definitive answer that I provide would be based on an assumption on my part.
While you say you have forgiven her, I feel the need to ask if that is really so. Based on what could simply be my own assumptions, I sense that might not be totally the case. Might you perhaps be saying that you forgive her because you believe it is correct to forgive her (as you said, “that is very important”) and that you’d like to think you’ve forgiven her? If you were to re-read right before saying you’ve forgiven her, you wrote, “…has ruined our friendship for I have no desire to visit this person anymore.”
With that said, please know that, if you haven’t “truly” forgiven her, that is nothing to feel guilty about. It’s called being human. And, it’s probably healthier for you to be aware that you are still working through the forgiveness process and have actually not yet forgiven her (or, forgiven yourself for whatever part you might or might not unconsciously feel you have played in this).
I hope this has provided some insight in terms of questions you can ask yourself and is of ultimate assistance both in this and in further dealings with others.
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So often, when someone asks for advice or an opinion, we base our response on how WE view the world (our own assumptions caused by/based on our own belief systems). If we are in a coaching or mentoring situation, this can manifest itself as a reflection of the coach or mentor and not about the person or person’s involved in the transaction. My feeling is that – before we can helpfully respond, we must first ask helpful questions; these with the primary purpose of exposing all assumptions that will get in the way of truth.
Now, you may have noticed that this wasn’t a coaching session. I didn’t ask direct questions as I don’t feel this is the proper forum. My point was that it is easy to fall into the trap of answering questions when we simply don’t have enough information to go on.
I’d love your feedback and opinions and – as alluded to earlier in this post – if it takes us in another a continuing direction, or even in another direction, that’s fine, too.
One additional thought: I can personally (and, I’d imagine you can, too) come up with numerous reasons and scenarios for what happened between these two people, and not one of them might be correct. Or, one or more might be. But, isn’t that the point; there is no way to know for sure without further exploration.
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She began with the question, “What shall I do with a person who is angry….?” Go ask her to forgive you. (I’m not saying that you are wrong, based on what you wrote, I’m saying she is offended.)
Now that you know that your friend can be offended by your gift giving, I say, give her mercy and perhaps someday she may open up and let you know why receiving gifts is offensive to her. You obviously care about this lady, go renew that friendship and get to know your friend more. There’s a good chance that this has nothing to do with you at all. 🙂
Great article … When I first met Gary he shared with me the ‘Four Agreements,’ a richly packed book that affirms the manner in which we should all live. It is so easy to make assumptions and to take things personally which simply can be problematic. Often it is never about us.
It is vital to live in awareness, a responsive understanding that that we all come into relationships with past injuries. When we embrace that model than we allow the other person to voice their hurts and pains, getting ourselves out of the way and then healing begins. Empathy of that nature shows the other person how much we care about them.
By the way, I question forgiveness. In other words, perhaps it is never about forgiveness rather one of acceptance, understanding, empathy and love. What do you feel?
Hi Amy, when you say, “Now that you know that your friend can be offended by your gift giving, I say, give her mercy and perhaps someday she may open up and let you know why receiving gifts is offensive to her” I want to focus on the part where you said “why receiving gifts is offensive to her” and ask you if you are assuming that the woman is offended by all gifts or just by this particular person? Maybe receiving all gifts is not at all offensive to her; maybe just from this person, and maybe because of a past experience with that person. I’m not saying or assuming either way, but I believe we should leave that open as another possibility. Because, we don’t know. So, if we were counseling/advising/mentoring her we might ask, “Can you think of any reason why she would be resistant or resentful of receiving a gift from you? Is there a gift you have given her in the past that she might have felt was given with an agenda of any kind?” Again, just food for thought. I totally agree with you in that the best thing she could do is to get to know her friend more. However, whether there’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with her at all…we don’t know.
Hi, Bob! There might be an answer to this that doesn’t depend on understanding the context. The giver could write to the recipient, saying something like, “I’m sorry I upset you by sending the [whatever it was]. I just meant to show how much I appreciate [a quality or recent action of the recipient’s], and hoped it would be something you’d enjoy. Let’s not allow it to spoil our relationship. Could we start over by getting together for coffee or lunch next Tuesday or Wednesday? I’ll call soon to see if you’re free.”
(I think it would be okay to send this as an email. Unfortunately, in this day and age a handwritten note or card might reinforce the impression that the giver is trying too hard.)
If the recipient blows off the invitation to get together, then the giver should withdraw tactfully. In any case, when giving something (even just praise) to a person you don’t know that well, it’s generally more effective to say why.
Best — Sherry
Hi Sherry, I agree regarding your email to the person. It’s perfect in terms of setting up a discussion where our writer can then determine the true issue with her friend. I’m thinking, though, that in order to understand the TRUE issue (the real problem that is present) we must first understand the context. So, yes, we could give an answer without knowing the context that will help her get back with her friend, at least temporarily. But we will not get to the ROOT of what our gift-giver might be doing, and that is perhaps giving the gift with an agenda of some type (if that is even the case.) Or, if that’s not the case, determining what it is about a particular type of gift that the recipient resists. Thank you for sharing your intelligent and very wisdom-filled response, providing us with another point to consider?
Thank you, Caryl, for sharing your thoughts with us!
Since the person posing the question apparently was not comfortable to post the question to the person who received the gift, it seems there was some lack of communication or understanding before the gift was given.
Understanding if that was the case and why, might help clarify the reaction.
In a situation where there is a misunderstanding between two people I think, the person seeking to understand the others’ reaction should, if possible, just ask the other if the two of them can talk to find the cause of the misunderstanding and try to reestablish good communication.
Thank you, Mark. Great thoughts. I appreciate your sharing with us!
Yes, I did assume that “all gifts offend”. (dang it…I thought I could counsel outside of my belief.) I’m going to keep a closer eye on my tongue. (that sounds gross) LOL
I like the questions you/we might ask to clarify….
I am grateful for what I learn from you.
Amy, I’m pretty sure that happens to all of us. I *know* it happens to me. To paraphrase Randy Gage, “I write most of these posts for me as much as for anyone else.” Thank you for your kind words, my friend.
Hi Bob. It’s been a long while since I have visited your page, but this article caught my attention. I will share this with my mentors in the fitness industry and see what they think. I’m sure you may get a couple of responses from them. May I use this post as a reference for my next blog? Thanks. You may check it out and see what I discuss on there.
Btw, won’t be able to do the Burg consultant since it is beyond my current budget and work commitment. How can I help you find qualified people for this opportunity? Thanks, again.
~Nick
Hi Nick, great to see you here. Thank you for sharing the article with your mentors. And sure, I’d be honored if you used the post as a reference for your next blog.
It is certainly true that we have insufficient information to understand the behavior of the person receiving the gift. We do have enough information to know that the lady giving the gift does not appear to be willing to take responsibility for her own actions.
She gave a gift and it was not received very well. She made a choice to give the gift and therefore she must accept responsibility for the results of her actions. When we blame someone else we are trying to absolve ourselves of any responsibility.
If we do not take full responsibility for our actions, we give up the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. I think the lady who gave the gift has missed a learning opportunity.
John, I appreciate your thoughts. Based on a private note I later received, however, I believe the person who wrote to me is willing to utilize this as a learning opportunity.