In Part One we discussed the fact that often what most throws us off-balance in terms of a verbal attack is its suddenness; the surprise factor. If we’re not expecting it and not prepared, it can cause us to either lash back (react) or submissively take it without any type of response at all. Neither of those are productive.
A solution to this, then, is to practice and prepare. Visualize what something like this might look like and see yourself calmly responding in a way that disarms the person and the situation, and serves everyone involved, ensuring both parties come out a winner.
Now, let’s look at some language we can use within the response. I can tell you both from firsthand experience and the many people who’ve learned this from studying my “Winning Without Intimidation” audio series…this works!
A customer/friend/co-worker family member, whomever is in a bad mood and approaches you in an angry, challenging manner. They unleash a small verbal assault. What do you do?
First, again, you respond by maintaining control of yourself and your emotions. Remain calm, take a deep breath and hear them out. Display interest in what they are saying, but show no emotion. When they finally pause, simply use these words:
“I…might possibly owe you an apology. I don’t know. Did I say or do something to offend you?”
There will now be several very long seconds of silence, as they realize the inappropriateness of their actions. More than likely they’ll answer, “No, I’m sorry, I’m just in a bad mood (or had a bad day, etc.). I’m really sorry.”
Now you can let them know, “I understand. I’ve had those myself. Is there anything I can do to help?”
WOW – another case of taking that lemon, turning it into sweet lemonade and, without question, taking a potential enemy and turning them into a friend.
That’s strength!
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Bob,
Great articles on handling verbal attacks. I like the idea of having my “script” ready so I don’t go into a reactionary mode. As I read this, I am reminded of another kind of verbal attack.
Most of us have probably been in a situation where someone is “bringing negative news” about another person. In that case, the attack is targeting someone else who isn’t even in the room! We need to have our scripts ready so we can stop the flow of negativity and hold on to our personal integrity!
It seems like your model for Winning Without Intimidation would work really well in those situations too.
Great discussion. Thank you!
Dondi
What a wonderful way to freeze the negativity and brings things to an honest resolve discussion!
-RG
Another great “Life Nugget” Bob! I will try this with my best friend!
I recently sent a short newsletter article about turning lemons into lemonade (soon I’ll have my own blog) except it was about foul weather. Let me know if you’d like to see it. I’d like to share it.
Thank you Dondi, Randy, Joe and Jonathan.
Dondi, I agree with you. Knowing in advance what you would say (at least on a general level) makes a huge difference and, as you said, keep one from going into “reacdtionary mode.” Regarding your second thought, having to do with gossip, yes, you bring up an excellent point. I actually have an article on that very topic I’ll be posting soon, and will look forward to your comment on it.
Randy, and Joe, thank you for your kind feedback. Nice to know that three of my favorite peeps found the information to be of value.
Jonathan, I’m sure it’s a terrific article. You’re always welcome to send something to my email address at bob at burg dot com. Best of success on your upcoming blog.
Thanks for the wonderful post.
Seems to me that the most difficult part in the process is in stopping the initial automatic emotional reaction to an unexpected verbal attack….even if you make a habit of practicing hypothetical conversations. Practicing constructive responses in our minds facilitates avoiding destructive reactions, because it offers an immediate alternative way to continue the interaction. But the main difficulty still lies in identifying and stopping the emotional reaction. Your suggestion in the post for leveraging the interaction is brilliant! 🙂
I look forward to your suggestions for avoiding “reactionary mode” with regard to gossip.
Osnat
Wow, I have really enjoyed your 2 articles on how to handle verbal attacks. I never really thought about having a plan in place and knowing how to respond to people in a positive way instead of lashing out. I am going to put that into practice with my children. Great advice!
Thank you Osnat and Sue. I greatly appreciate your very kind feedback!