Tact and respect should not be confused with compromise. They are not necessarily one and the same.

Tact and respect are about how we speak to someone. Compromise is about making concessions, whether philosophically or in action.

Of course, there is a time and place when compromise is absolutely appropriate. Other times, it is not. As Zig Ziglar so wisely said, “Be firm on principle but flexible in method.”

However — other than in extremely rare situations — tact and respect should always be part of the process. Not only is it the right way to be; it is likely to be much more productive and persuasive, and bring with it a much higher degree of influence on your behalf.

Do you experience people confusing the two terms? And, if so, why do you think that is? Is it a sign of the times or do you suspect it’s always been this way and there are just additional forms of media in which people can more freely express their thoughts and feelings?

Do you find yourself able to remain polite, respectful and tactful even when you disagree? In other words, can you disagree without being disagreeable; even when your argument is principle-based and not something you are willing to compromise on?

Minutes before presenting last Friday morning for my client, WinWholesale, Inc. at their annual convention, I was speaking with COO, Monte Salsman. He shared with me a great piece of advice provided by one of his mentors nearly 20 years ago:

“People buy only two things: solutions to problems and good feelings.”

BINGO!!!!!

Yep, think about it. When it comes right down to it, the very essence of why we buy something is because it solves a problem and makes us feel better than if we did not buy it.

Understanding this is what keeps our focus on the other person. After all, people don’t buy from us because it solves our problem or makes us feel good. Nor should they. Thus, we need to constantly find ways to provide value to others in a way that will serve them and their needs, wants and desires.

So, next time you’re in a selling situation, measure what you are about to say or do by asking yourself, will this solve their problem? Will this make them feel good? If the answers to both of those are “yes” then you are on the right track.

Of course, when you solve their problems and make them feel good, you also solve your problem and make yourself feel good.

Or, as another mentor of many of us (a certain Mr. Ziglar) very famously said, “you can have everything in life you want, if you’ll just help enough other people get what they want.”

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We’ve previously discussed the importance of Empathy. I’ve always loved Zig Ziglar’s explanation regarding the difference between empathy and sympathy. Briefly, with empathy, while you feel for the other, you are still able to be part of the solution and help. With sympathy, you identify so strongly that you become part of the problem and are not able to help.

I was reminded of another significant difference between the two while re-reading a passage in Tim Sanders‘ excellent book, The Likability Factor. Tim points out a significant difference between the two in terms of focus:

“If you are sympathetic to others, your heart goes out to them and you feel compassion, but these are your feelings. You don’t know what they’re feeling. You’re not trying to know. You’re simply feeling bad that others feel bad (or lonely, or depressed, or angry).

“If you are empathetic to others, however, you are not merely feeling sorry for them but are projecting yourself into their hearts, as though you are sensing what it’s like to be in their shoes.”

As I like to say, Wowee Wow!

In other words, sympathy is about you, while empathy is about them.

So, while sympathy is certainly admirable, it’s not necessarily where the focus should be. If we truly want to provide value to the other person, empathy is much more productive because it means our focus is on them. And, that’s where it should be.

How do you do in the area of empathy versus sympathy? Could Tim‘s wise words serve as a trigger to you in future situations to perhaps shift your focus? I know it will for me.

In discussing the topic of Gossip we often speak in terms of spiritual reasons why one would want to refrain from the activity of speaking it, listening to it, or in any way being around it. And, yet, as we all know, every spiritual principle has with it a physical equivalent and manifestation.

In the Bible, when one spoke gossip (a spiritual sin) they were afflicted with “tzaris” — white-colored lesions — all over their body (physical). While speaking gossip today is still a spiritual sin, its physical manifestations are different…albeit still quite profound. They include, but are not limited to, a guilty conscience, lack of trust from others, loss of friendship, loss of business, a weakening of family relationships and much more.

And, something else: A loss of personal productivity. How?

Renowned speaker and author, Zig Ziglar (have you read his newest book, written with proud son Tom Ziglar entitled Born to Win? It’s awesome!), writes the following, excerpted from an outstanding article of his. In this instance, he’s addressing only the “listening” of gossip…

“I am absolutely convinced, no doubt about it, that the listener has more to do with the gossiping than the speaker because if you don’t listen, you’re not going to have the guy or gal talking to you. They just aren’t. When you move with purpose, people will step aside and let you go.

“I will absolutely guarantee you, you will save a minimum of an hour a day in two-minute, three-minute, five-minute things. An hour a day is five hours per week is 250 hours per year. That is six weeks of your life that you’ve wasted and six weeks of combination time that you have wasted with the people who were giving the gossip to you. What could you do with six extra weeks every year? You focus on the issue at hand.”

I believe that what Zig is saying is that the physical manifestation of participating in gossip is a loss of productivity. And, when you don’t have productivity in your life, you don’t have accomplishment, in any of the ways that are important, be they physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, social or financial.

Six weeks a year of productive time is wasted by participating in gossip, and not even by speaking it!

Now, that is a sobering thought, isn’t it?

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There is both life and death in the tongue; the power to build as well as the power to destroy. One of the biggest destroyers is gossip: negative talk, put-downs, rumors, accusations, bullying (verbal harassment).  The harm it can cause — to individuals, families, groups, religious institutions, teams, businesses and society — is immense.

I’m doing a one-hour teleseminar on how to eliminate this from your life. And, while I know YOU don’t have this habit, you might know others who have, or be part of an organization that does. Or you might want to share this with the teachers at your children’s school who are searching for ways to to stop the problem of bullying.

Want more information? Click here to learn more.

The smallest change in phraseology can make a big difference in how our ideas come across to another person.

Has anyone ever said to you, either while attempting to prove a point or during the sales process, “If I can prove to you that (such and such) will save you money…”?

And didn’t you sort of say to yourself, “This guy/gal isn’t going to prove anything to me!” I know I have. It’s human nature to resist when challenged.

Here’s a more effective way* to help someone be more receptive to your ideas:

Instead of saying, “If I can prove to you that this widget will be more cost-effective…” say,

“If you could prove to yourself that this widget will be more cost-effective…?”

Or, rather than, “If I could prove to you that this would be a more productive alternative…?” say,

“If you could prove to yourself that this would be a more productive alternative…?”

Now you’ve allowed that person to take ownership and prove something to herself. Remember, people don’t resist their own ideas.

Practice this enough so that when the situation arises, the correct way of phrasing your point will come out naturally.

After all, if you could prove to yourself that this idea would help you to more effectively persuade, wouldn’t you want to master it?

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*Credit for this idea goes to Zig Ziglar.