One of the biggest difficulties many bosses have is how to maintain a positive, encouraging and even friendly relationship with their employees, while still keeping intact the line between boss and employee. The key, as usual, is positive communication.

Beth from Michigan writes:

“Bob, my staff has been with my company as long as I have and, over the years, we have become friends. Now that I am overseeing them, I tend to be too nice when asking them to do something.

“I try to instill confidence in them and support them, but I feel it backfires when I ask for the same in return.  How do I get them to respect my wishes in a tactful way without having to say, ‘Hey, I am the boss here.’?”

Beth, let me assure you this is an extremely common question, and I guarantee that many readers are right now thinking, “I could have written that letter.”

Back in the days when I actually had an office and a staff, this was at times a challenge for me, as well because I tended to get very close to my employees and develop friendships with them. It was also part of the joy of having my company, so unfriending them (which, I guess, before Facebook, was not actually a word) wasn’t an option that I’d have chosen.

At the same time, it’s one of those human principles that, while familiarity might not necessarily breed contempt, it can — at times, — breed a bit of…well, over-familiarity.

Before I address your specific question, may I comment on one part of the question? You wrote, “I try to instill confidence in them and support them, but I feel it backfires when I ask for the same in return.” Please understand, it is not that instilling confidence and support backfires. It’s simply that they are not quite grasping the distinction between your friendship and your supervisory position. If you are leading effectively, then instilling confidence and supporting your troops is always a positive thing.

Here’s a quick suggestion: Write out your specific thoughts and challenges in detail. Then call a staff meeting. In this meeting, read them your letter. They must know and be aware of the situation and how it makes you feel. The key here is to do this with an “I-message” so that there is no sense of accusation being communicated.

In other words, rather than blaming, you’ll simply express how you feel. Then, ask for their thoughts and suggestions. Get their buy-in on the importance of handling this situation correctly. Of course, when all is said and done, they’ll need to know that, despite your friendship, you are their boss and they must act accordingly.

Best of success, Beth. I hope your team knows how fortunate they are to have you as a boss…and a friend.

Well, that’s my suggestion to Beth. What about yours? Have you ever been part of a similar challenge that was handled effectively? And, if so, please share your experience.

In the previous article we saw that, whether it’s a family, organizational, sales, or other important matter, when you are about to take part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties involved have the time and willingness to participate.

If you don’t, then the most likely result is that you either won’t have their undivided attention regarding the issue or, when they need to go, they will, and the situation will be left unresolved. And, picking up the conversation exactly where you left off and with the same momentum is much easier said than done, if it ever resumes at all.

Important: Before the conversation or meeting ever begins, be sure all parties are committed to the process, and for the amount of time it has been agreed upon.

Gently create agreement for sufficient time. How?

1. Ask for it. If this is a family or group, you might say,  “I’d like for us to discuss _______ and I believe it’s going to take up to 45 minutes. Do you have 45 minutes that you can dedicate without feeling pressed for time?”

If it’s a boss, it might be, “Ms. Thomas, I need to discuss an important issue. Could we take about 17 minutes? That’s about how much time I believe we’ll need.” (Hint: the more specific the number you use, the greater the chances are for agreement. 17 minutes is actually even better than 15 because, while 15 can appear to be a number picked out of thin air, 17 sounds as though every minute has been reasoned out and has a purpose.)

2. Be able to work around a curve ball. Ms. Thomas says, “I really only have a couple minutes until my next meeting, but please go ahead. I’m sure I’ll be able to help with whatever the problem might be.”

Here’s where you need to both use the right words, and say them in the correct way.

You: I appreciate that, Ms. Thomas. Thank you so much. Actually, I know I’ll need about 15-17 minutes. Could we re-schedule for when you have a bit more time?

Ms. Thomas: Really, I’d prefer we discuss it now. I’m sure it’ll be okay.

You: I appreciate that so much. This is something that’s really more than a two-minute conversation, though, and the last thing I want to do is waste two minutes of your time when I know that won’t be enough. If we could, may I schedule a 17-minute block with your admin, Pat?

Yes, we used the word “I’ several times. In this case, it’s important to utilize an I Message because you want to take the responsibility for needing more time as opposed to putting it on them with a “You Message” which could make them feel defensive and be more inclined to insist on a “now” conversation.

Key: Just like when having to graciously say “no” to a request, it’s vital to maintain inner strength and to respond in a way that communicates you are honoring that person, even though you are not giving in to them.

Use the same basic principle as the above whenever you need to make sure there is enough time for the conversation to be an effective one. Just remember that if you allow yourself to get sucked in to a conversation when the proper amount of time has not been allocated for its success, you might as well not even bother. The results will most likely be the same anyway.

Understanding that will help you to remain strong yet tactful in order to obtain the agreement of time you need.