We’ve previously discussed the importance of Empathy. I’ve always loved Zig Ziglar’s explanation regarding the difference between empathy and sympathy. Briefly, with empathy, while you feel for the other, you are still able to be part of the solution and help. With sympathy, you identify so strongly that you become part of the problem and are not able to help.

I was reminded of another significant difference between the two while re-reading a passage in Tim Sanders‘ excellent book, The Likability Factor. Tim points out a significant difference between the two in terms of focus:

“If you are sympathetic to others, your heart goes out to them and you feel compassion, but these are your feelings. You don’t know what they’re feeling. You’re not trying to know. You’re simply feeling bad that others feel bad (or lonely, or depressed, or angry).

“If you are empathetic to others, however, you are not merely feeling sorry for them but are projecting yourself into their hearts, as though you are sensing what it’s like to be in their shoes.”

As I like to say, Wowee Wow!

In other words, sympathy is about you, while empathy is about them.

So, while sympathy is certainly admirable, it’s not necessarily where the focus should be. If we truly want to provide value to the other person, empathy is much more productive because it means our focus is on them. And, that’s where it should be.

How do you do in the area of empathy versus sympathy? Could Tim‘s wise words serve as a trigger to you in future situations to perhaps shift your focus? I know it will for me.

While tact is mainly a skill it is also an attitude.

While empathy is mainly an attitude it is also a skill.

Fortunately, both can be learned.

Not only is empathy a vitally important part of the selling process; it is also a vitally important part of the human process. This is true whether trying to understand why someone is resistant to our viewpoint or if we are simply attempting to help them through an issue or difficult time.

I believe that in any relationship — business or personal — empathy is a key differentiator between the successful and the unsuccessful. Those who have the talent and skill; both at having empathy and being able to communicate empathy are at a huge advantage over those who don’t.

Dictionary.com defines Empathy as “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Being a simple fellow, I just say it is really nothing more than — as the saying goes — putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

If we have similarities in experience, we might actually be able to really identify; to know what and/or how they are feeling.

But, what if that is not the case? Let’s face it; there are times when not only do we not know exactly how they feel…we have absolutely no idea how they feel!

Yet, we can still be empathetic. You see, empathy doesn’t necessarily mean you actually feel what the other person feels. The truth is, you might not. It does mean you communicate that you understand they are feeling … something.

When someone with true empathy listens…the other person feels truly heard. And feeling heard is what often makes the difference.

In a Facebook discussion, I suggested that I even think we can feel (or at least identify with) a similar emotion even if we don’t know exactly what/how they are feeling, and that’s what communicates to them that we care. In response, Pastor Tom Sims wrote, “there is always something inside of us, some memory of personal pain or struggle that unites us in a common humanity and enables us to relate in compassion.” WOW!

And, if that wasn’t an exquisite enough thought, Pamela McBride followed that up by saying,  “Compassion is only a heart beat away when we tap into our own struggles.”

Indeed!

Oh, have I ever mentioned that I have the world’s coolest friends and readers?

Blog posts on books I love are the most difficult for me to write.

Why? Because often, books like the one I’m suggesting today, despite being fun and easy to read, have lessons that run so deep, I’m concerned I won’t be able to communicate the messages sufficiently and/or appealingly enough that you’ll be moved to read them.

Such is the case with Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose Through The POWER OF WORDS.

In this extremely powerful work, former Franklin Quest partner and now highly sought-after business consultant, speaker and Coach, Kevin Hall, invites us along on his personal and exciting journey to discover how words (yes, words!) can help us clarify and discover our purpose as well as help us to do the same for others.

With the help of a kind octogenarian, Dr. Arthur Watkins, a man who’d invested his life in the study of words, Kevin focuses on dissecting 11 different powerful words, both English and from other cultures. The very first one, learned from Mr. Pravin Cherkoori, a wise and humble Indian shopkeeper in Vienna, Austria, is what the author refers to as The Secret Word. He also refers to it as as “one of the most meaningful gifts of my life.”

The featured words are: Genshai, Pathfinder, Namaste, Passion, Sapere Vedere, Humility, Inspire, Empathy, Coach, Ollin, and Integrity. Yes, we learn their roots and their origins of usage, and how they team with other words to arrive at their current meanings and incarnations. By the way, if you’re like I am, you’ll find this to be fascinating in and of itself.

What’s special about this, however, is how the words are used to tie into the real-life characters we come to know and root for; some of whom overcame dramatic odds to succeed and find their purpose.

I could go on and on with how emotionally touched I was throughout the book. Instead, if I may, I’d like to quote from the Foreword by Dr. Stephen Covey:

“The more you understand words and the layers within them, the more it helps you understand your path and purpose…Words are the direction signs that show the way to {following your} bliss. Words, in concert with the actions they inspire, help you become a better leader, a better spouse, a better parent, a better salesperson, a better athlete…The power in words generates wealth, health, productivity, discipline, spirituality, and limitless other desirable human traits.”

Dr. Covey’s Foreword ends a page later with:

“Whatever your goal, your quest, your passion, I am confident Aspire will unlock for you a universal force that will light the way to inspiration and personal growth. I suggest you keep a pen or pencil close by as you read this profound work over and over again. I know I will.”

All I can say in response to the above paragraph is, “it did, I did, and I will.”

Well, one more thing: I hope you’ll do the same.

In the previous article we witnessed totally opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of empathy; one person’s seemingly total lack of it provided no (actually, negative) value to my “customer experience” while — in total contrast — her associate’s excellent display of such added great value. Night and day!

At the conclusion, I said that we’d now look at the “key to communicating empathy.”

So, what is the key to communicating empathy? With apologies for appearing to have asked a trick question, the answer is:

To Communicate Empathy!

Yes, that is the key to communicating empathy. It’s communicating that empathy.

Let’s face it; I don’t personally know that first TSA employee who came across as so cold and uncaring. She might be the kindest person in the world, contribute much of her money to charity, feed the homeless, take in stray animals and more. I don’t know.

What I do know is that — if she had felt any kind of empathy for the angst I was experiencing — she sure didn’t communicate it. I got the distinct feeling she could not have cared less and just saw me as one of a procession of passengers who waste her time during the day.

The other TSA employee clearly communicated that his mission was to help me feel more secure in the knowledge that my videos would be totally safe going through that machine.

He added great; he added immense value to the exchange.

And, it was because he communicated that empathy.

During my live presentations, I often say, ‘It isn’t enough to ‘be’ or ‘feel’ or even ‘do’ the thing…you must communicate that you ‘are’ or ‘feel’ or ‘did’ the thing.”

When you cannot deliver the product on time, it’s not enough that you are doing everything you can in order to finish and deliver asap…you must communicate this to your client. Why? Because, unless you do, she has know way of knowing any different.

This comes right back to empathy. Empathy is really nothing more than “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.” It’s considering their feelings regarding their unique situation. The value comes with COMMUNICATING such.

It doesn’t mean you “know” exactly how they feel, because we cannot know exactly how another person feels, but we can certainly communicate that we understand they are feeling something and do our very best to assuage their fears.

And, while verbal communication is certainly an important method of doing so, our actions can make the point just as well.

GE Healthcare Field Engineer Shawn Bailey did this beautifully when — rather than just emotionlessly  fixing a CT Scan machine — he first brought the frightened little four-year-old patient a teddy bear from the gift store, calming and assuring not only her, but her parents and the nurses and technicians on-hand.

Having empathy is a great start, but it’s not enough. Communicating that empathy is what makes the difference and what is ultimately the “Value Difference.”