Well, Janet, first of all you have approximately half the readership of this article agreeing with you :-), but that is not the point. We've all read enough books regarding the difference in genders to have an idea of why this happens, but let's take it a bit deeper.

Much of the answer goes right back to the article on "Belief Systems." {http://www.burg.com/beliefsystem.html}

Since you mentioned how wonderful a person he is, and there's obviously a lot of love between you, I'm assuming he's not doing this to purposely annoy or hurt you. That being true, the plain fact is, for whatever reason and despite the love for you he obviously has, these occasions just don't mean as much to him as they do to you. In other words, he might be able to give your two- year anniversary date a whole other name, such as . . . Thursday. :-)

He sees this through a belief system, or "frame", that says, "I love Janet very, very much - and still, I don't care about symbolic days." Now, you may not agree with the frame he has regarding not caring about "symbolic" days, I may not agree with that frame (although, actually, I do) :-), and most of the people in this universe may not agree with that frame, but your partner does happen to feel that way. That's simply a fact.

Question: Can you change his belief system? Maybe, but probably not. Could you possibly help him change his actions? You have a better chance there, but it must be handled with care.

Naturally you'll want to approach the matter with an "I Message" {link to article #5}, beginning with, "I feel hurt when . . ." or "I'm hurt by . . ." as opposed to the "You Message" of "You hurt me when . . ." or "If you cared you'd . . ."

Once he agrees to honor your "frame/belief system" regarding this issue, make it easy for him to comply. When important (in your frame) dates get near, leave him a fun, non-threatening note as a reminder. Janet, please do not say to yourself, "If he cared he would remember on his own" because, according to his "frame/belief system", he does (care) and he won't (remember).

I have a suggestion for an excellent book. It isn't one of the mainstream books on this topic, but possibly one of the best out there, and I recommend it highly. It's called, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (http://www.amazon.com). After reading this masterpiece of a book, you'll learn the key that will dramatically improve all aspects of your relationship.

Good luck to you Janet. And Happy . . . oh, I forget :-) - Bob

Bob Burg http:www.burg.com is author of Endless Referrals: Network Your Everyday Contacts Into Sales, Winning Without Intimidation and The Success Formula.

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