Recently, on my Facebook page I posted the following:

Trying to influence another person without first eliciting trust is as futile as…as…darn, hate when I can’t come up with a clever ending.
So, how would YOU end that sentence?

Responses ranged from funny to profound; many of them both. Here they are…

Dave Ferguson assuming your a leader just because your in a management position?

Tom Cooper cleaning the house when you have small children!

Brant Elsberry trying to cook a great meal without buying groceries.

Beth Bridges ‎… as resisting the Borg?

Tom Cooper Taking on an aircraft carrier while armed only with a squirt gun?

Erika Anderson herding cats.

Deb Krier Trying to push a rope uphill!

Tom Childrey as trying to teach a pig to sing, which wastes your time and truly annoys the pig.

Beth Bridges ‎… making a permanently selfish person become a good networker. (Hmm, that’s still under construction but you get the gist?)

Jon White trying to develop sales or recruits on social media pages or chat rooms by spamming.

Tom Cooper trying to write software without a computer!

Tom Cooper trying to drive without gas….

Chandler Peterson trying to get a teen to clean their room…

Paul Franklin Your appendix.

Michelle Larson Stimpson ‎…trying to listen to “Miracles” without singing along.

Susan Castle Trying to get a five year old to try broccoli!

Robert Michele Gorden ‎… as putting lipstick on a pig! (You still have a pig)

Paul Franklin Spamming.

Kyle Wilson putting business cards on car windshields to sell a seminar.

Kim White As my dear friend Judy used to say, like trying to heat water in chocolate teapot.

Sandra Fry Trying to plow a field with just a plow and no tractor.

Doug N Joyce Morgan ‎…trying to tell a two-year old what to do.

Dennis Talluto pushing rope up a hill!

Michelle Goddard trying to skate on a lake before it freezes?

Max Fleischer fishing while sounding a horn.

Steve Eanes believing you will have a successful storybook marriage after winning the Bachelor or Bachelorette reality show.

Richard Wilson herding cats.

Karen Thornton trying to nail jello to a tree.

Sue Henry expecting the wheat to grow where it hasn’t been planted.

Volney F. Morin Jr like trying to shoot a free throw without the basketball.

Elaine Kibler is a futile as harvesting a crop when you planted no seed!

Will Nicholas asking the woman of your dreams to marry you without first demonstrating your exclusive love for her.

Patrick Mahan trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Patrick Mahan ‎ trying to stuff a marshmallow in a parking meter.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome! These are so cool. Thank you everyone!

How about you? Anything you’d like to add? Please feel free!

A great friend of mine is an expert in his field. It’s a field that — while growing — is still under-the-radar in terms of mass consciousness. He writes and speaks about it but often feels as though his words are falling on deaf ears.

He also feels as though sometimes he comes on too strong in terms of communicating his message. He writes:

“I just hate sounding like a freakin’ know-it-all sometimes Bob. People must get really tired of me talking about this. Heck…most people don’t even believe it!!!”

I feel for him because I know he has huge belief and feels that — as people come to understand and embrace this — they, and the world as a whole, will be better off for it.

May I explore two points regarding my friend’s concern:

Minor point: our world is such that most don’t easily accept that which is different from their already-established beliefs. If and when these particular ideas are accepted en masse it will happen over time. Remember, it took “sliced bread” (i.e., “the greatest thing since…”) 20 years after it’s invention to catch on. So, enjoy the journey of educating and enlightening whomever you can, but don’t be attached to the outcome. Some will get it. Most won’t.

Major point: my general feeling is that people don’t mind being taught so long as they don’t feel the teacher is telling them that they have the “only real” answer…even when the teacher truly believes they have it.

That’s why, as “unfair” as it seems, the people who succeed aren’t necessarily the ones who have the exceptional idea, product, service, solution, etc., but are able to communicate it in such a way that others desire to receive it.

Esther Hicks writes, “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.”

Yes, great influencers don’t push; they pull. And, gently at that.

In a recent post we looked at the importance of listening. Just listening; not problem-solving.

While there are times that proactively helping someone solve a problem is very legitimate, paradoxically, not trying to solve a problem is often the best way to have it solved. By simply listening (allowing the other person to be heard) the problem often simply dissolves. Or, just as well, the person solves the problem themselves, which empowers them and helps build another leader.

As mentioned, I’ve had to work very hard at improving myself in this area. When someone comes to me with a problem, I still have to fight my inclination to go into fixing-mode and, instead, just listen. Writing the previous post reminded me of a recent situation in that regard.

On a speaking trip there was a logistical mix-up in one city that caused some distress for the person who planned the meeting, as well as for me. It was really nothing more than a miscommunication but it caused some negative feelings for the meeting planner, and she wanted to speak with Kathy and me personally in order to bring some closure to it.

We did a three-way conference call and she began to relate the story from her point of view. Knowing that some information had been related to her by our mutual client and desiring to put her mind at ease, I began to explain what had happened. Naturally, I did this feeling that — by telling her this — she’d feel better, realizing I understood she was not at fault.

Suddenly, I noticed my Skype Instant Message pop up with a message from Kathy. It simply said:

“Bob, I think she really just needs to be listened to right now. ”

Point taken. Kathy was right. She simply needed to be heard. She had been frustrated by feeling that her actions had been misunderstood and simply needed us to listen. Satisfied that was now the case, all was fine.

Meanwhile, I still have a ways to go in the “listening…really just listening” department.

Okay, just one more post (at least for now) about one of my newest leadership heroes.

Last post we looked at wisdom from YUM! Brands Chairman and CEO, David Novak. In his great book, Taking People With You: The Only Way to Make Big Things Happen he discussed the importance of “Getting Inside The Heads” of those you wish to influence. In other words, it’s not enough for you to want or desire a goal, you must know what motivates and drives the people you wish to take with you. This, via genuine interest and caring regarding their needs, wants, goals and desires.

And, as important as this understanding is, it’s not enough. Why? Because one error can render you ideas nearly useless. According to Mr. Novak:

“One of the biggest mistakes leaders make is not thinking through all the people
they have to lead to get where they want to go.”

He says that a key question to ask yourself has to do with who you need to affect, influence or take with you in order to be successful. As a former marketing executive, he compares this to a marketer trying to identify potential customers. And he believes that must be a key area of your focus.

As examples of those others, he includes: “your boss, your coworkers, people on your team, people from other departments whose help you’ll need, or even people from outside your organization, such as shareholders, vendors, customers, or business partners.”

Terrific point! It reminds me of a leadership failure or two of mine where I’m pretty sure I persuaded those I attempted to persuade but left out key “needed people” from whom I never even tried to obtain “buy-in.” This wasn’t intentional; it was more a matter of not thinking things through and considering all the people whose commitment I would need.

It was a painful lesson but one from which I grew. When I read it in Mr. Novak’s book, it immediately brought back painful lessons, but ones I certainly needed to experience in order to grow. Or, maybe I’d have been better off reading about it instead. If there’s one thing better than learning from our own painful experience, it’s learning from someone else’s wisdom (which, most likely, was based on their own painful experience).

What do you see as a good methodology to make sure we dot all our i’s and cross all the t’s in this regard?

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If you’d like to listen to my chat with David in which he shared numerous, hard-hitting and valuable ideas from his new book, click on http://bit.ly/ytSKI3

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In Vernon Howard’s book, Esoteric Mind Power, he writes:

“If a mechanical robot made a rude remark to you, you would not feel offended, for your ego would not feel threatened by a mere machine. But because you fail to see that most people are equally mechanical, you attribute an ego to them, which causes your ego to think they can harm you. When you deeply see the man-machine behind human personality, you cannot be offended.”

Now, whether you and I choose to see our fellow human beings as mere machines or not, what the author presented was a wonderful example of what is known as a “reframe.”

A frame is a premise; the foundation from which everything else emanates. Basically, when we reframe, we make a “decision” to see an event differently than from that of our usual belief system. We choose a way conducive to our happiness and personal growth instead of misery. Yes, it’s the same event, but since we view it from a totally different point of view, it’s effect on us is…well, totally different.

For example, let’s take the event (someone makes a rude remark to you) cited by Vernon Howard. Perhaps we usually see that as something to take personally. As a result, it can cause harm to our self-image and self-esteem, elicit a rude reply to that person, try our patience (“I don’t have time to deal with jerks like this!”) and generally ruin our day.

How could we instead take that event and reframe it so that it “serves us” and our happiness instead of the opposite? Understanding that, in the real world, different circumstances certainly call for different possible courses of action, here are a few thoughts:

1. “What a great opportunity to practice my patience with people!”
2. “What an excellent opportunity to practice ‘responding‘ (which means you are in control of yourself and the situation) instead of ‘reacting’ (which means another human being is controlling you)!”
3. “How fortunate I am that I don’t have the same problems and feeling of unhappiness that this jerk…er, uh, I mean, poor guy, obviously has.”
4. If appropriate to engage in a conversation with this person as a result of their rude remark, your reframe can be, “What a tremendous opportunity to practice my influence skills and persuade this person to my point of view!”

For the next week, focus on reframing every apparently negative situation (both “people-wise” and “event-wise”) in a positive light. You might want to imagine various situations in advance and come up with a reframe you can utilize in the event it actually happens. Difficulty with your boss, spouse, child, friend, customer, etc.? What would be a positive reframe for you? Or, your car runs out of gas, you spill milk, slip on a banana peel (does anyone ever actually do that? ) or anything else you can imagine.

Reframe, anyone?