Before we can influence others, we must first be able to influence ourselves that we have something of value to offer. I mean, if *we* wouldn’t listen to us…why would anyone else?

At my live programs, I often bring up the story of my great friend, Amy Wells, owner of The Bridal Salon of San Antonio, Texas. After attending a program she decided to shift one part of her business model — from discounting (an industry norm) to selling at full price — by focusing on the value she could provide to her clients.

“When you sell on price you are a commodity.
When you sell on value you are a resource.”
– Me

As Amy told me during a recent conversation, “first, I had to really understand the value I had to offer them. Once I understood it myself, communicating it to them became easy.”

Wow!

The influence you have on others is a direct result of the influence you first have on yourself.

So, readers and friends…how do you influence yourself regarding the exceptional value you have to offer your prospects, customers and clients?

In a recent post we discussed how paying attention to detail and doing those little things right (especially those your competitors don’t do) can set you apart from the crowd and make the big difference in your business.

I was reminded of this last month when arriving at a doctor’s office in West Palm Beach. It was my first visit there and I mistakenly showed up an hour early. When the two receptionists told me this I was a bit upset at myself as that was an hour that could have used to work.

I uttered a self-annoyed, “I can’t believe I did that.”

No response.

Then, “Well, that was an hour I could have made better use of” and shook my head.

Now, as silly as this sounds, I think I wanted one of them to tell me they understood how I felt and were so sorry that happened.

But, they didn’t. They just looked at me and waited. Don’t get me wrong. They were very nice. They just had nothing to say and so, they didn’t. As soon as I left the office I found there were several coffee shops very close and across the street was a strip mall with numerous restaurants. Always having a book on hand, I had lunch and caught up on some reading. Turned into a nice extra hour.

But, here is where the doctor’s team could have shined big in my eyes. Actually, here is how any office could:

Be Prepared: realizing that Bob Burg is probably not the only klutz whose mind goes on absent, be ready when such a patient arrives.

Communicate Empathy: Let them know you feel for them. Suggested language might be, “I’m so sorry that happened. I hope that didn’t cause you too big an inconvenience. Believe me, you’re not the only one who’s done that.” (And, if you’ve done something similar, let them know that, too.)

Provide Suggestions: What amenities are in your area that could be taken advantage of? In this case, a simple, “Fortunately, and if you’re interested, we have both a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Starbucks within three blocks in either direction. There’s also a wonderful strip mall across the street with your choice of restaurants (and name the restaurants).”

Wow — what a difference! Again, please don’t get me wrong. They were very nice. They just didn’t go that extra step. And, it’s leadership’s responsibility to be sure they are equipped to take that step.

At least, that’s what I think. What say you?

By and large, people are “reactive.” They will often react unthinkingly to the circumstances and situations with which they are presented. This includes adults, children and babies.

Example: A two-year old falls down unexpectedly.  He looks at Mom and Dad for an interpretation of what happened. If they laugh as though it’s funny, he’ll probably laugh. If Mom and Dad become panicky and upset, he will most likely begin to cry.

Adults are much the same. Notice this the next time you cross paths with a stranger. If you smile, they’ll usually smile. If you say hello, they’ll usually say hello. The opposite is also true. Usually, we can influence another’s response by controlling the stimulus; our action. This is also known as setting the frame: the context from which everything else originates.

You have the power to set positive frames from which others — in all situations, both business and personal — can feel good about themselves and feel good about you. If not part of your usual mode of operation, it takes a bit of work to get used to doing this; initiating the frame. Because it does, most people won’t do it. Those who do, have a decided advantage as they make their way through life.

Reach out with a pleasant countenance, a genuine smile on your face, and a friendly hello. Assume this person, if given the chance, would like to respond positively to that kind of attitude. The chances are they would, and they will. It’s up to you though. The “Positive Persuader” doesn’t wait for the other person to set the frame. Instead, they take the initiative and everyone comes out a winner.

Is this something you have found to work for you? If you haven’t been doing this, is it something you feel would be worth the effort.

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While it’s generally good to be action-oriented (as my friend, Robert Ringer calls it, having a “bias toward action”) very seldom is it good to rush into things. While being decisive is often productive, rarely is it beneficial to act without thinking something through.

Before doing a major procedure, a good doctor will suggest her patient obtain a second opinion. Before receiving a major procedure, a good patient will insist upon obtaining a second opinion.

There is wisdom in taking that attitude into many areas of our lives. A friend recently wrote:

“I am learning that I need to be careful because in my attempts to add value I sometimes trip over things. I guess that is the downside of being a person of action!”

I can relate. My inclination is to get an idea and just run with it. Over the years, a certain solution has proven to be very beneficial. If I have any question about it, I first run the idea past someone I trust.

There are several people I do this with. And, some of them do the same with me, often using me as a similar-type sounding board.

Unless something is so vital that it MUST be done without forethought (and those times are rare), then discussing it with someone first allows you to be even more assured that your decision is the correct one. And, there’s no downside. If it’s good, you go with it; if it’s not, you make adjustments or squash it altogether.

Please don’t confuse this with “paralysis by analysis”, where you think something over to the point that it never gets done. Nor should this be confused with “perfectionism”. Both can stifle action and production.

I’m simply suggesting that, like a fired bullet, once something is written, said or done, it can’t be taken back. So, if the choice to get a second opinion is available, it probably couldn’t hurt to seek it out.

Have you found this to be true? What other ways have you found to ensure your decision is the right one?

When someone makes a point, do you look for where you agree? Or, are you neutral; actively considering all sides? Or, do you default to disagreement?

A thought to consider: if you immediately look for points of disagreement and — even more so — if you feel compelled to voice that disagreement, there are two very important probable results to consider first:

1. The chances of missing the actual point are far greater.
2. You are going to lose potential or current friends, and your level (or potential level) of influence will decrease.

You might notice that last point is just the opposite of “Winning Friends and Influencing People.” And that’s no surprise.

I expect that those whose personal default setting is on “disagree and comment” are possibly thinking, “Bob, are you saying we should always agree with everyone?” My answer, of course, is “absolutely not!”

Another reflexive thought might be, “Bob, I’d rather people disagree with me so that I can learn from them rather than their simply mindlessly agreeing with me.”

So would I. And…mindless agreement isn’t at all what I am suggesting.

Opposing points of view are typically welcome by people. They help everyone learn and grow. However, I believe it is incumbent upon the responder to be sure they have first logically and critically thought through the issue.

While browsing posts on Facebook, Twitter, and other blogs, I far too often see readers’ comments that are so off point, I wonder:

• Did they actually read the post in its entirety? And,
• Are they just disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing?

Personally, I cannot even imagine commenting without first thinking about it long and hard. I realize not everyone feels the same way. However, I think it is a worthwhile guiding principle for those of us who comment on other’s posts.

May I make a suggestion: listen/read as neutrally as possible or, even better, for where you agree. If you simply don’t, first (oh, so important) FIRST reason out logically and dispassionately why, how and where you disagree. Then — and only then — decide if it will be productive for all involved to communicate your opposing view.

Wanna’ be right or want the right results? Sometimes both are possible and sometimes not.

One aspect of wisdom is knowing the difference.

Of course, you are welcome to disagree.