How often does an argument ensue and hurt feelings result from an exchange of well-intentioned, or even neutral (i.e., information-type) words when, with a little bit of thought, clarification and definition, such misunderstandings, unhappiness and even resentment could easily be avoided?

Example: Pat tells you the party tonight begins at 7:30, “dressy-casual” and it won’t be that crowded. Good thing, especially that last part, because you don’t like crowds.

You arrive at 7:30 on the dot. Pat hasn’t arrived yet, most of the people there are dressed much more formally than you are, and there are a lot more people than you expected. When Pat finally arrives at 7:45, you voice your displeasure.

“Pat, you’re 15 minutes late and I don’t know anyone here, which makes me very uncomfortable. I feel way underdressed. I thought you said ‘dressy-casual.’ And, I would definitely call this a crowd.”

Genuinely surprised and confused, Pat responds, “What are you talking about? I meant ‘around’ 7:30. What’s the big deal? And dressy-casual means more dressy than casual – just not formal. ‘Everyone’ knows that. And you think this is a crowd?”

An exaggerated example, to be sure, but still somewhat typical, right? Both of you are correct and, then again, incorrect…that is, depending upon your viewpoints and belief systems regarding the terms, “7:30″, “dressy-casual” and “crowd.”

Both of you have different meanings for each of those three terms. You know what you mean. And, you naturally assume Pat’s concept/definition of those terms are the same as yours. The same holds true for Pat. In other words, you both believe you are “speaking the same language” but you’re not. And, neither of you knows you are not. You “don’t know that you don’t know.”

Now imagine you need to converse with someone who speaks an entirely different language  (not metaphorically such as “Mars and Venus” or “personality profiles” but, again, literally another language). How difficult it would be to get your point across! Universally recognized smiles aside, after that, you’ve still got to be able to communicate the words that will result in the appropriate understanding.

The one advantage here over the previous conversation is that AT LEAST YOU BOTH KNOW you’re not speaking the same language. You “know that you don’t know.”

When you think about it, the first conversation we looked at is actually more dangerous and fraught with more potential confusion. Why? Because we all walk around believing that we’re communicating when, in actuality, we often are not.

The solution, and the way to avoid misunderstanding, is to make sure you “define your terms.” And, make sure the other person does so as well.

Why? Two reasons: first, because when we define our terms, we have clarity – we know what we are saying. Secondly, the other person knows what we are saying. When we insist (politely, of course) that they do the same, we have extra clarity and understanding. And, so do they.

Example: “Pat, just for my own clarification, when you say it won’t be that crowded, about how many people are expected to attend?” or, “I’m just thinking, in case our concepts of dressy-casual are different, what do you see as being appropriate attire?”

(By the way, the phrases “for my own clarification” and “I’m just thinking” are known as “softeners” – polite lead-ins to your question which soften any type of perceived coarseness.)

So, make sure of two things: One, that you define your terms (what do you yourself mean by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”?) and two, know exactly what “Pat” means by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”. When you remember to do this, misunderstandings, which can result in negative feelings, will be much less likely to occur.

We’ll explore this concept further in future articles.

In Part One we discussed the fact that often what most throws us off-balance in terms of a verbal attack is its suddenness; the surprise factor. If we’re not expecting it and not prepared, it can cause us to either lash back (react) or submissively take it without any type of response at all. Neither of those are productive.

A solution to this, then, is to practice and prepare. Visualize what something like this might look like and see yourself calmly responding in a way that disarms the person and the situation, and serves everyone involved, ensuring both parties come out a winner.

Now, let’s look at some language we can use within the response. I can tell you both from firsthand experience and the many people who’ve learned this from studying my “Winning Without Intimidation” audio series…this works!

A customer/friend/co-worker family member, whomever is in a bad mood and approaches you in an angry, challenging manner. They unleash a small verbal assault.  What do you do?

First, again, you respond by maintaining control of yourself and your emotions. Remain calm, take a deep breath and hear them out. Display interest in what they are saying, but show no emotion. When they finally pause, simply use these words:

“I…might possibly owe you an apology. I don’t know. Did I say or do something to offend you?”

There will now be several very long seconds of silence, as they realize the inappropriateness of their actions. More than likely they’ll answer, “No, I’m sorry, I’m just in a bad mood (or had a bad day, etc.).  I’m really sorry.”

Now you can let them know, “I understand. I’ve had those myself. Is there anything I can do to help?”

WOW – another case of taking that lemon, turning it into sweet lemonade and, without question, taking a potential enemy and turning them into a friend.

That’s strength!

You’re verbally assaulted, either by someone you know, or even the complaining customer you just met. And, you don’t handle it well; either shouting right back or simply taking it; only afterward realizing just the right response.

Yes, even while beginning to master the art of positive persuasion, we can still be “thrown off” when verbally attacked. The reason is simply the surprise itself. Let’s look at how to prepare for these attacks so the surprise factor will not be able to get the best of you. Then we’ll check out some specific language you can use to effectively diffuse the situation and bring it under control, and have  your antagonizer virtually eating out of your hands.

Brian from New Jersey writes, “I find I can be in a disagreement with someone and really use your methods to mutual advantage. That’s not the issue. My problem is when I’m verbally attacked right from the beginning. Someone comes at me and starts yelling at me, and I just react and blow my top. Then, of course, it goes downhill from there. Any advice?”

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Brian, the greatest thing about your question, and what I appreciate most about it, is your recognizing this as a challenge. Excellent first step. I’ve been there and can relate. Please know that once you master yourself in this area, you’ll be much more effective and productive, both for yourself and for others. There’ll be no stopping you!

Near the end of your question you said you “react” and blow your top. That’s right. Reacting will do that, which is why it’s much more productive to train yourself to “respond” instead.

So, how do you effectively handle a verbal attack, diffuse it, and turn the situation 180 degrees?

Two suggestions: First is to mentally rehearse a situation in which someone verbally attacks you. See yourself, in your mind’s eye, responding with calmness and serenity, completely in control of your own emotions and thus, in control of the situation. If you can do it in your mind, you can do it in a real-life situation.

Just as an astronaut training for a mission goes through numerous simulations before ever actually going into space, you’ll find rehearsing in your mind before the event ever takes place puts  you nine steps ahead of the game…in a ten-step game.

In the next article, we’ll see one example of how this mental rehearsal, plus the right words and attitude, can absolutely turn your attacker into your advocate.

We’ve all sat in a restaurant waiting for our order…and waiting and waiting and waiting; sometimes even when the meal is ready. In this article, let’s look at how to politely and effectively gain the attention of the waitperson, and in such a way that he or she will feel glad to serve you.

Marilyn writes: “Yesterday at lunchtime I was sitting at the counter of my local diner and sandwich shop. I could see my sandwich sitting on the counter for at least five minutes, maybe longer. The waitress was oblivious to it, since she was talking with her friend who just came into the restaurant to see her.  Here I am, rushed for time, and she’s talking away. I felt myself getting more and more irritated, yet I didn’t know what to say to get her attention in a way that wouldn’t seem overly aggressive. Do you have a suggestion?”

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Marilyn, I’m pretty sure we can all relate to your sense of frustration. As human beings, it bothers us that someone would be so inattentive while on the job (especially when it’s “we” to whom they are being so inattentive ). At the same time, you don’t want to offend them by “calling them out.” First, because you’re a nice person. Secondly, because you know that yelling at them will not get you any better service the next time.  In fact, if anything, the opposite will happen.

The easiest, most effective course of action is to simply get their attention with either a polite wave (or, if necessary, walk over to them) and, with a smile, humbly say, “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy – I can see my sandwich waiting over there for me, and I’m just a bit on a schedule. Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

This is one of those cases where how you say it is just as important as what you say.

The chances are better-than-great that he or she will apologize – often, even profusely –  and take great care of you from that point on.

By the way, you might have an almost irresistible urge to say to them, “I’m WAIIIIIIIIITING!” or “Hey you, have you ever heard of the website, “Move your rear end.com?”

Instead, handle it the way we discussed and you’ll both live happily ever after.

Have you done that yourself? How did it work for you?

In Part One we heard from a reader who did not feel right being nice to someone he found to be difficult because it felt phony to him. However, since the chances are that people such as he or she aren’t going to be nice to you first (which is what he felt should happen before returned those actions in-kind) the suggestion was that we can actually “act our way” into liking that person. From there, reaching out is easy. And, the results will be to turn this current or potential enemy into a friend.

This is not the exact same thing as positive expectation (where the focus is on them) but actually changing our thoughts about ourselves and our feelings.

So, back to developing the characteristic of feeling good about someone we really don’t like? The way to feel it is to first act it! While we say this in the title, we actually barely alluded to it in the previous article.

So, here’s the principle: “Action precedes feeling.”  It’s amazing how it works.

For example, a person is sad. Do they need to have a happy incident occur “to” them before they can be happy? No, it’s been proven that if you act happy, you will become happy. While many authors, including Marcy Shimoff, in her excellent book, Happy For No Reason explain exactly why and  how it works, including the effect within the brain, we don’t need to discuss that here. It’s just enough to know that it works.

Happiness is independent of external circumstances (which doesn’t mean there aren’t external circumstances that can legitimately cause sadness, but not as a general way of
being). Change your actions and you’ll change your emotions.

For example, smile really, really big – I mean, from “the inside out” – and just try to feel sad. Can’t do it.

If you’re feeling lazy and lethargic, straighten up, walk tall, walk fast, walk with purpose and energy, and that’s exactly how you’ll begin to feel.

So, in answer to the original question in Part One, Practice “feeling” good about a difficult person by “acting” good towards that difficult person. Yes, at first it is an act. That’s okay. Perfectly acceptable. Then, when the person picks up on your action and relates more benevolently towards you in return, your good feelings really will be true.

Later this week, we’ll continue our look at one of my new heroes, Le Herron, author of Making Your Company Human. I’ve enjoyed reading your comments in response to the first two articles.

Today, let’s address a reader’s question on a different topic. He wrote:

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“I genuinely try to have the attitude of wanting to be nice to someone who is difficult to deal with, but can’t seem to get over the feeling of, ‘Well, if he’s nice to me first, then I’ll be nice to him.’ I find that reaching out first doesn’t work for me because, really, I don’t like nasty people, and I feel phony about being nice to someone I don’t like. Am I wrong? Is there a way to overcome these feelings?”

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While it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, I very much appreciate your question. Please understand that what you’re feeling is very natural. After all, I don’t think many of us have an innate desire to be nice to difficult people. However, the world being what it is, plenty of them are out there. Not to mention, those who are basically good people and for one reason or another there is simply not a simpatico between us.

So, in dealing with others, we need to make a decision as to whether we want to “be right or be effective.” The good news is that, when we are effective, we also become right. When we can teach ourselves to like a person (even one difficult to like), they will sense it, and most likely will feel the same way about us. And, now that they like us, it’s much easier to feel good about them. Ahhh, a cycle of success that cannot be beat.

In answer to one part of your question, no, I don’t believe it would be phony because you are taking an action with the desired result that it  will add value to the lives of everyone involved. Sure, you could wait for them to change on their own (“if he’s nice to me first”) but, since they are living in their own paradigm and are most likely unconscious of such, it is up to you to set – or reset – the matrix.

This is different than what we’ve discussed in previous articles regarding positive expectation of others. Here, we are talking about you, and you changing. And, there’s no reason you can’t change your mind-set to feel good about him first. In Part Two we’ll discuss this idea a bit further.

In the previous post I shared a very valuable lesson I learned while speaking at a Ritz Carlton Hotel property. In essence, it’s that rather than greeting someone with – what I call – a typical “non-greeting” such as “How are ya’” or “How ya’ doin’” (notice the lack of question marks because neither are a question), a terrific, classy and value-based way is to instead say either “Good morning”, “Good afternoon”, or “Good evening.”

Readers comments were awesome and added much value to the original post.

So, let’s look at another “Lesson from the Ritz.” This has to do with responding to someone saying “thank you” after you’ve helped them.

Do you think the guest-contact employees answer with, “No problem”? No way!

They say, “My pleasure.”

Ohhhh. Beautiful. And it works anytime, anywhere, with anyone and in practically any situation.

“My pleasure.” It says it all.

I was speaking to a class of high school seniors and suggested that, whether working at a restaurant, running your own car detailing service or interviewing for a job, “You can separate yourself from the rest of the pack simply using those two words.”

Same if you are an adult.

“You’re welcome” is good. “My pleasure” is even better.

My suggestion is to make this a habit. You won’t regret it.

Glad to help. In fact, it’s…(okay, you saw that one coming, didn’t you?)

Years ago I was brought in to do a program for one of the Ritz Carlton Hotel properties. While there, I learned a valuable lesson.

Whenever crossing paths with any of their staff – and I do mean any of their staff – you’ll never be greeted with the meaningless expression, “How ya’ doin’?” Nor will you be greeted with, “Hey”, “How are ya?”, “How’s it goin’?”, or “What’s up?” It’s either “Good morning”, “Good afternoon”, or “Good evening.”

Wow, that’s impressive!

Of course, every other hotel in the world – from Marriott to Hyatt; from Super 8 to Motel 6 (yes, where Tom Bodett will “leave the light on for you”) – could do that as well, without costing them an extra penny in expenses aside from the initial teaching? They could bring themselves just a notch closer to the Ritz Carlton and an all-star impression by making that one…single…adjustment.

They could…but they won’t. Why not? As the great Jim Rohn used to say, “I don’t know, they just won’t.”

We can, individually, do the same as the Ritz Carlton, and with great results. As you know, how we greet strangers, neighbors, prospects, customers and anyone else is the first impression they will have of us. And we all know the saying regarding first impressions.

Want to make a great impression? Then do away with all of the typical greeting “non-questions.” You know – those questions to which you neither expect, nor want, an answer.

“How ya’ doin’? is always the worst one to me. Why? Because I was the worst when it came to saying that. What’s better is “Good morning”, “Good afternoon”, or “Good evening.”

Or, do you know what else works just as well? A big, friendly smile that just radiates how happy you are to see them, and the word, “Hi!”

Yes, you can do the same as the Ritz Carlton.

And…I bet you will.

Would love to know, what do you think? Does a greeting really make that big of a difference? Now, what about after someone thanks you.

In the next article, we’ll look at another replacement phrase that will separate you from the rest and make you an even more effective communicator.

Many people have a challenge with taking advice and direction. Yet, in the real world, if they’re not doing the right things, or they’re not doing things right, they need to be helped, told, guided, persuaded, etc. and you might be the one who needs to do it.

The key is to do this not only without offending them, but having them be totally non-resistant to your suggestion, and even embracing it. You can do this very effectively with, what I call, “Qualifiers.” Simple to use, they work like a charm.

Tom from Texas wrote (excerpted), “Bob, how would you suggest giving advice to someone without their getting their “ego in a sling?”

Tom, you are right on with that question, my friend. The fact is, people generally don’t like to be told “what to do” in the first place, and definitely don’t enjoy being told “how to do something better” in the second place. This doesn’t include everyone, of course; but certainly enough people that it behooves us to know how to work with such a person.

There are two solutions that I find work very well. One is the “Third-Party Explanation” which we’ve discussed previously. Here, let’s look at the “Qualifier.”

A Qualifier is a short phrase that makes your advice more acceptable and easier to embrace. Simply use these qualifiers before the actual advice. A few examples – with the Qualifier underlined and in italics – might be:

“Steve, I might be wrong about this; why don’t we try putting the widget here.”

“Shirley, this is just a thought; I’m wondering if perhaps the whichamahoozee would be more cost-effective if we …”

And this one will practically always make the person more receptive:

“Joe, you know more about this than I do; I’m wondering though if . . . ”

Many master persuaders become adept at using qualifiers whenever and to whomever they offer advice. Let’s face it; sometimes the pill is simply easier to swallow if it’s mixed
into the applesauce.

Are there any “Qualifiers” you’ve used that have worked particularly well for you and the other person that you would like to share with us?

Like many of the good things in life, “Thoughtfulness” (thoughtful…i.e,  thought full) is not only a nice way to be, it will also come in handy as one of your most effective people skills.

Thoughtfulness is a simple enough concept; yet not always easy to apply.  Once mastered, however, it is the greatest gift you can give; and not just to friends and loved ones on special occasions and holidays…but to everyone, ALWAYS. And, as you become consistently thoughtful of and to others, you’ll find that most will go out their way to please you, as well.

Thoughtfulness – authentic, genuine, caring thoughtfulness – is a habit; internalized, it becomes a way of life, a part of our being.  But it does take practice.

Where do we start? In our daily lives.  Good practice exercises make themselves available constantly throughout the day. Do this consciously for as long as it takes to become a part of your being. It won’t take very long (according to the expert you study, either 21 days or 30).

Thoughtful people don’t wait, they “create” opportunities to make life brighter and more enjoyable for those around them.

But, how? Simple things.  Holding the door open for anyone near you, regardless of gender or appearance.  Soon, it’s automatic, and even comes with a smile (and a smile back in return).

When a baby in a restaurant is making a bit more noise than is comfortable, and you see the parent looking embarrassed, smile and comment on how cute the baby is.

A thoughtful person is always quick to pay a sincere* compliment (especially to those who don’t often receive them), realizing the value it sometimes has beyond the obvious!

{*Shh, don’t tell anyone but, sometimes, in order to help someone to feel good about themselves and provide them a foundation for such, it’s even okay for the compliment to not be totally 100 percent genuine.}

As you are about to pour your coffee at the local convenience store, and spot the next customer in line waiting for you to finish, offer to pour the coffee into their cup first. He or she will be amazed (believe me!) and delighted. They’ll have learned something as well, and possibly do the same for another person tomorrow.

A thoughtful person parks a bit further from the entrance to the store or the post office, leaving closer spaces for those not as nimble, not covered by handicap status, or really in a hurry.

You might ask, “Why should I do that? Nobody will know why I’m doing this.”

Two reasons: Number one, it’s simply the right thing to do, which makes you feel better about yourself, which in turn enhances self-esteem.

Number two, as touched on earlier, by repeating thoughtful acts, they become habitual. Then, when it really counts, you’ll already be doing them naturally. Not only will you make the world a kinder place in which to live, but because of the precedent you’ve set with people, they’ll go out of their way to make you happy, as well.

Amazing how it works. Again, try it until it becomes natural. I guarantee you’ll see a delightful – and dramatic – difference in your relationship with the world.