Yes, people do things (good or bad, helpful or unhelpful, productive or counterproductive, charitable or uncharitable) for their own reasons, not ours. And, knowing this, we have two choices; complain that life shouldn’t be that way, or embrace the facts and utilize this principle for the benefit of all concerned.

If your request is not one with which the other person need comply, you must give them a personal benefit for taking action! As we learned from Dale Carnegie in Part One, find their reason, and present your request with that in mind.

Are you planning to ask your boss for a raise?  Realize that the fact you are behind on your house payment and really need the money will not be enough of a motivator for her to comply. You’re much better served explaining that, based on past performance, you could help her come in significantly under budget on the next project.  That, of course, would make her look great to her superiors when she is seeking her raise (In other words, it’s her reason).

Important point: Everyone’s “reason” is not necessarily money. Feeling good about oneself is often the most powerful motivator of all!  Difficult people, in particular, tend to have a poor self-image. So take a genuine, personal interest in them. Show more respect than they might typically receive. Find out their “why.” What will press their emotional hot button and cause them to take the action you want them to take? What’s in it for them?

If you nail that answer, the chances are they — or anyone else — will bend over backwards to make you happy.

That’s win/win persuasion, or Winning Without Intimidation.

In Part One we looked at a basic principle in the persuasion process. As the great Dale Carnegie taught us in his classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, “People do things for their reasons, not ours. So make your reason, their reason.”

I ended by saying that all actions taken by we human-type beings are in fact based on self-interest. But, what about charity work and financial donations, as well as other totally, so-called selfless acts? When someone does any of that, does that also fall under Mr. Carnegie’s admonition?

Actually, their actions are indeed based on their own self-interest. Remember, even when giving charity or, in an extreme example, deciding to donate a kidney to save another’s life, they do this because it is in alignment with their value system; they believe it is the right thing to do, and would make them feel better about themselves than would the alternative choice.

I love what Esther and Jerry Hicks write: “There isn’t anything anybody wants {does} that is for any other reason than that they think they would feel better in having {by doing} it.”*

Really think on this one and see if you determine that it applies to you, as well.

Please understand I’m not saying that every choice one makes is the easiest, most comfortable or most convenient — only that one does it for their own reasons — either consciously or unconsciously — based on their own personal value system.

This, by the way, is what Ayn Rand was referring to when she wrote of the “virtue” of selfishness (obviously, defining the word “selfish” differently than its common usage). She was simply referring to living a life of congruency. However, I’m sure you can also see why most people — not being willing to explore a contrarian idea past its surface — reacted with scathing anger to her suggestion (not that she was the most tactful and considerate in her responses).

I stress this point regarding self-interest because its understanding is perhaps the very key to mastering the art of positive persuasion; that the other person will do what they are going to do for their reasons; not ours.

Let’s pick this discussion back up in Part Three and tie it directly into upping your ability to persuade in a way that serve everyone involved.

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* Words in brackets were my additions

It’s human nature to want people to do what we want them to do. And, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, providing we also care about how the outcome affects them. So, how do we get people to do what we want, in a way they can benefit and feel like a winner, as well? Through Positive Persuasion (a/k/a, Winning Without Intimidation) of course.

In doing so, we must keep certain principles in mind, and base our win/win methods on those principles. In his classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie taught us that “people do things for their reasons, not ours.” Thus, if you truly want to persuade someone to do something they might not normally be inclined to do, he suggests that “you must make your reason, their reason.”

Asking yourself, “What’s in it for them?” is always an appropriate question to ask when desiring to persuade someone else to take your point of view.

Again, what Mr. Carnegie taught is so important, I’d like to repeat it here. You might even choose to write this down and put it somewhere you can continually see it until internalized:

“People do things for their reasons, not ours. So make your reason, their reason.”

Yes, all actions we as humans beings take are based on self-interest?

“WHAT?” one might exclaim. “NO WAY! What about charity and other selfless, totally altruistic actions. Are you trying to say that is based on self-interest, as well?!!”

Good question. And, we’ll answer that in Part Two.

In a recent post we discussed Tact and how it is perhaps the most powerful concept in terms of mastering the art of positive persuasion or, “Winning Without Intimidation.” It’s also a great way of simply becoming a pleasant person to be around.

I quoted my Dad, who defines tact as, “The language of strength.” Those who master the art of tact are able to make a “corrective point” in a way that helps a person to receive it rather than become defensive or angry.

We concluded with a challenge for us all to work on this very important skill (or, we could even say, “trait” if our goal is to become “a tactful person”) for the next 21 days and see how we do.

Now that we’re 14 days into it, let’s look at a few examples from past articles:

When You Must Go Over Their Head

Qualifiers…For People Who Don’t Like To Be Told What To Do

A Question That Will Open Them Up To Questions

And The Winnah…Christine!

Deflection Via The Parry

Please don’t feel any pressure or obligation to read any or all of the articles. They are simply there as examples if you feel that would help you in your “tact-quest.”

Meanwhile, how are you doing so far? Please let us know.

Is there ever a need to verbally correct or critique? Well…actually, yes. The bigger question: is it possible to do so in such a way that not only will the person accept your correction, but truly embrace and utilize it?

Yes, so long as you keep the human ego in mind and realize the key is tact.

People often ask why others have such a difficult time accepting their constructive criticism. One reader asked:

“Whether I’m correcting my children or employees, I feel as though they always have a negative reaction to what I say. This disturbs me. When I correct, it’s only for their own good and to help them to become more effective. Is there something I’m missing here? Why are they so resistant to my helping them?”

Often, whether or not people buy into what we say depends less upon logic than it does on how their ego accepts what they hear.

And this is why they seem to resist your corrections, your critique, your help and your advice. Yes, even when it’s for their own good!

Wouldn’t you agree that, generally speaking, few people truly enjoy being corrected or criticized? I mean, I can’t think of the last time someone criticized me, and I responded by saying, “THANK YOU! THANK YOU for pointing out the error of my ways.”

Yet, in the real world, correcting and critiquing others is a part of life. Your kids didn’t clean their rooms, your employee overpaid on a negotiable product, your customer is not working with you productively, etc.

There is one concept above practically all else that makes the biggest difference in your ability to persuade others to your way of thinking and attain the results you desire. It is known by several different words: diplomacy, sensitivity, savior faire, and yes, “tact.”

“Tact is the language of strength.”
- Mike Burg, My Dad

Tact is the ability to say something or make a point in such a way that not only is the other person not offended; they are totally receptive. Learning what to say and how to say it will get results for you which will seem just like magic.

Whenever you must call someone’s attention to a particular way of acting, keep tact in mind. Tact will be the key to how they receive you and what you say, and whether they will ultimately take the action that will benefit all concerned.

How do we utilize tact? First, we consider what we are going to say…before we say it. We edit our speech, before we speak. We ask ourselves questions such as, “How will he or she ‘feel’ regarding what I’m about to say, and how I’m about to say it?”

For the next 21 days, take a pretend tape recorder with you and “play back” every conversation you have. Critique yourself; “Did I think before I spoke?”, “Was I considerate of their feelings?”, “Was I gentle in my manner?”, and “Was the expression on my face consistent with my words?”

Focus on this for the next 21 days. If you feel as though you don’t know the exact right words – no problem.  Begin with the right intent; the words will usually take care of themselves. Not to mention, we’ll discuss many of the right words in future articles, as we have in many of the articles that are currently archived and which you can go through at your convenience.

Let’s check back in 21 days. Meanwhile, feel free to share your success stories with us.