In our book, Go-Givers Sell More, John David Mann and I begin by discussing some of the fallacies and misconceptions associated with selling. The first is that people often think of sales as trying to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do (i.e., buy something they don’t want or need).

Of course, selling is exactly the opposite; it is finding out what someone does want or need…and helping them to get it.

But, this brings up a good question: “If someone wants or needs something, can’t they just tell you? I mean, are people so stupid that they can’t figure these things out for themselves?”

Actually, it has nothing to do with being stupid or smart. It has more to do with simply not necessarily knowing what is available and/or possible. That’s why part of a professional salesperson’s job is to educate, which is one of the six “things” we say salespeople provide within the selling process: time, attention, counsel, education, empathy and value.

Please understand that practically all of the helpful, useful and valuable inventions that today we take for granted first had to be sold to the public.

The brilliant 18th Century German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer is quoted as saying that “all truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as self-evident.”

In Part Two, we’ll look at how this plays out.

With the school year beginning, I thought I might reprint an article from about five years ago. In my opinion, the Law of Authenticity, (Law #3 of The Go-Giver), has never been embodied better and more effectively than in this example.

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Recently, my fourth grade teacher, Miss Kadlik/Mrs. Mahan was in town with her husband, Mike, who was here on business. While in the area, she decided to visit my Folks, who live near me. She was first my teacher. Then, three years later, my sister, Robyn’s.  Throughout the years, she maintained occasional and holiday-season contact with Mom and Dad.

On the first day of fourth grade, Miss Kadlik, a beautiful, elegant “older woman” (after all, she was 23) stood in front of us to introduce herself. Her smile was reassuringly sweet, as we would later learn was her personality and entire essence.

The first words she uttered taught me a lesson that, not only have I never forgotten, but would use throughout the years when it came to “Winning Without Intimidation.”

She said, “I just want all of you to know that I’m just out of college, this is my very first class, and I’m very, very nervous right now.”

You could have heard the “proverbial” pin drop. We were silent.

“What?” We must all have been thinking (I know I was). “A teacher…nervous? What could she possibly be nervous about?”

Here was her intuitive brilliance, and how you can utilize this contrarian wisdom in dealing with stressful situations and difficult people.

She admitted her feelings; her fear. She trusted us with those feelings. She made us her partners in what was, for a very young woman just out of college facing a crowd of potential hoodlums, a very stressful situation.

And, we responded to it. She immediately won us over, and although we still couldn’t believe a teacher (i.e., authority figure) was nervous because of us, we were determined to make sure she would get through her difficulties.

So often, whether in business or interpersonal situations, we are afraid to admit our fears, to “let our guard down,” concerned that the “dogs and lions” will surround us if we do.

There’s a commercial that’s been popular here in the U.S. for several years now. It’s for an antiperspirant and the catch phrase is, “never let em’ see you sweat.” In other words, if others know you’re not totally calm, cool, collected, and in control, they might respect you less, step all over you, and otherwise take advantage of you.

Typically, I’ve found that not to be true. Ninety-nine times out of 100, if you’ll let people know you are not “all that”, and even that you have your fears and trepidations, they will do their best to put you at ease, will unconsciously root for you to win, and will often even become your partner in doing so (of course, all situations are different so, while understanding the meaning of what I’m writing, judge each situation accordingly).

People relate to those who are “human” and experience occasional lapses of self-confidence, as do they. While the slick person may overwhelm and dazzle, they typically are not as relatable as the “real” human being.

So, while being confident, prepared, and excellent at what you do is a winning course to take, during those times when, for whatever reason, you do feel overwhelmed, under-confident and just a little scared…admit it, and win.

And, thank you Judie Mahan. It was great seeing you again!

Ever have a disagreement with someone only to later learn that it was based totally and completely on a misunderstanding? If you’re like most of us, your answer is a definite “Yes!” Let’s look at why this is, as well as a method you can use to overcome it, making your level of communication far more effective.

Whenever speaking on the topic of what I call, “Winning Without Intimidation” — mastering the art of positive persuasion — I begin with an explanation of an extremely important concept; “Beliefs.”

I define a “belief” as: “the truth as one understands the truth to be.”

What exactly does that mean?

Truth itself is fact. It is neutral, without feeling. It is neither good nor bad…it just is. It may be viewed as good or bad depending upon the context, situation and people involved. For example, the truth is that gravity works. That manifests as good when keeping you from floating thousands of feet into the air against your wishes.  It could be interpreted as rather bad when falling out of a six-story building.*

Viewing most interpersonal situations as good or bad, however, isn’t always that easy. Making it even more difficult is that determining the “goodness” or “badness” of any specific event or situation falls to a very subjective part of ourselves known as our Belief System.**

Our basic belief system is formed at a very young age. Many psychiatrists state that age as four years though I suspect the process begins even earlier! Our belief system is first given to us by our family and then finely chiseled by our environment, associations and life experiences. Once formed, our basic beliefs are extremely difficult (though certainly not impossible) to change because they operate primarily on an unconscious level. And, the unconscious rules. And, it rules without most of us even being aware that it rules!

A very somber example: someone grows up witnessing a very abusive relationship between his or her parents. This abuse may have been physical, verbal, emotional, or any combination of the above. Needless to say, it was a “bad” situation in which to grow up.

In all likelihood, the person who grew up in that environment believes, on a conscious level, that situation was “bad.” And yet, why does it happen so often – certainly more often than not – that throughout their life, that person will go from one “bad” relationship to another?

Because – plain and simply – their Belief System says that is the “truth” regarding how relationships are! As mentioned earlier, a belief is the truth as YOU understand the truth to be, regarding the way life is. On an unconscious level, that person will continually steer their way to their truth, according to their belief system.

A lighter example is a disagreement I had with someone many years ago. He was thinking about moving to this area and asked if a particular home a Realtor told him about over the phone was near the ocean. I said, “No, it’s pretty far away.” So he told the Realtor he wasn’t interested. When he and his wife arrived they asked me to show them the home just so they could see it. Upon viewing it he said, “I thought you told me it wasn’t near the ocean!”

Me: It isn’t!
Him: It is, too!
Me: No, it isn’t!
Him: Yes, it is!
(No, neither of us stuck out our tongue at the other and went “nyah, nyah”)

Let’s analyze this: The “truth” is that home was seven miles from the ocean. I, living in Jupiter, Florida and two blocks from the ocean, feel that seven miles is far away. He, being from the midwest, feels seven HUNDRED miles from the ocean isn’t too far away. I’d say our mis-communication had something to do with our belief systems. Yes, we are still friends. Why did neither of us think to mention the exact number of miles? I dunno.

In both business and personal relationships, when conflicts arise, the typical belief system is “For me to win, they need to lose.” Or, “If I want a bigger piece of pie, I need to take his or her slice.”

The Winning Without Intimidation (and, for that matter, the Go-Giver) Belief System says, “For me to win, I need to also help the other person win, or at least help them to feel good about the situation and themselves.” And, “If I want a bigger slice of pie, I’ll get together with him or her and bake a bigger pie” (which I have no clue how to do but you get my point).

In other words, “Both people win.”

So let’s look at an effective way to work with “Beliefs” in practically any type of situation in order to ensure that both you and the other person come out winners.

First, when in confrontation with a person you may be finding difficult to get along with, ask yourself four questions:

#1 How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?

#2 How is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?

#3 What questions can I ask this person that will clarify my understanding of their version of the truth (their Belief System)?

#4 What information can I give that will help them clarify their understanding of my version of the truth (my Belief System)?

As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people, there are generally three truths; their truth, the other person’s truth, and the actual truth (really, those first two truths are actually beliefs).

Through questions, as well as a caring exchange of information, the real truth can usually be discovered, generating understanding, peace, and respect. This leads to results in alignment with the Winning Without Intimidation and Go-Giver Belief Systems in which both people win.

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* The use of the words “good” and “bad” are used for easier reading (and, really, on my part, easier writing) since one could say that even “good and bad” are simply concepts. Spiritually  speaking, one might say that nothing is bad, because everything happens for a reason and, ultimately for the good (ahhh, there is that “bad and good” again. See what I mean?) . On a serious note, this is not to make light of any personal tragedies that simply cannot be explained on a human level.

**While there are many excellent books that explore the topic of Belief Systems on a much deeper level than we did in this article, two that I highly recommend are Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I’ve found both to be invaluable in my personal growth.

In the previous article we witnessed totally opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of empathy; one person’s seemingly total lack of it provided no (actually, negative) value to my “customer experience” while — in total contrast — her associate’s excellent display of such added great value. Night and day!

At the conclusion, I said that we’d now look at the “key to communicating empathy.”

So, what is the key to communicating empathy? With apologies for appearing to have asked a trick question, the answer is:

To Communicate Empathy!

Yes, that is the key to communicating empathy. It’s communicating that empathy.

Let’s face it; I don’t personally know that first TSA employee who came across as so cold and uncaring. She might be the kindest person in the world, contribute much of her money to charity, feed the homeless, take in stray animals and more. I don’t know.

What I do know is that — if she had felt any kind of empathy for the angst I was experiencing — she sure didn’t communicate it. I got the distinct feeling she could not have cared less and just saw me as one of a procession of passengers who waste her time during the day.

The other TSA employee clearly communicated that his mission was to help me feel more secure in the knowledge that my videos would be totally safe going through that machine.

He added great; he added immense value to the exchange.

And, it was because he communicated that empathy.

During my live presentations, I often say, ‘It isn’t enough to ‘be’ or ‘feel’ or even ‘do’ the thing…you must communicate that you ‘are’ or ‘feel’ or ‘did’ the thing.”

When you cannot deliver the product on time, it’s not enough that you are doing everything you can in order to finish and deliver asap…you must communicate this to your client. Why? Because, unless you do, she has know way of knowing any different.

This comes right back to empathy. Empathy is really nothing more than “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.” It’s considering their feelings regarding their unique situation. The value comes with COMMUNICATING such.

It doesn’t mean you “know” exactly how they feel, because we cannot know exactly how another person feels, but we can certainly communicate that we understand they are feeling something and do our very best to assuage their fears.

And, while verbal communication is certainly an important method of doing so, our actions can make the point just as well.

GE Healthcare Field Engineer Shawn Bailey did this beautifully when — rather than just emotionlessly  fixing a CT Scan machine — he first brought the frightened little four-year-old patient a teddy bear from the gift store, calming and assuring not only her, but her parents and the nurses and technicians on-hand.

Having empathy is a great start, but it’s not enough. Communicating that empathy is what makes the difference and what is ultimately the “Value Difference.”

In John David Mann’s and my book, The Go-Giver, the foundational principle is the providing of value. It isn’t the only thing, but it’s certainly the block upon which all else is built.

We’re often asked how exactly one — either as a business owner or employee in a company — can build value for their customer and, naturally, it depends upon the type of business.

When really considering it, there are thousands of ways. In Go-Givers Sell More, however, we break it down into five distinct areas: Excellence, Consistency, Attention, Empathy and Appreciation.

In a recent two-part series over at TheGoGiver.com blog entitled, “Ernesto Would Be Proud“  I share an example of my favorite local restaurant and how they incorporate the above five.

While at the Palm Beach International Airport recently I experienced an example of how another organization can both apply and not apply the concept of Empathy.

We frequent travelers experience both good and bad examples of value — including empathy — from the various TSA employees conducting the screening process. Usually, however, it’s not such a dramatic contrast in such a short period of time.

On my way through I was a bit nervous about the damage that might be caused by the screening machine to the many DVDs I had with me. These were videos of past presentations that I was taking with me to North Carolina to edit into a new video; some of my life’s work! Would the machine damage it? Logically, I didn’t think it would but, being human and searching for reassurance from the woman conducting the operation, I thought I’d ask.

Me: Excuse me, is there any chance these DVDs could get damaged when going through?

Her: No.

Me: I’m sorry, you’re totally certain?

Her: Yes.

Me: Any chance at all I might be able to simply hand them to you without putting them through?

Her: No.

Me (Now realizing I’m sounding a little stupid): So, I have to put them through.

Her: Yes.

Since it’s difficult to read emotion into written dialogue, picture me asking extremely politely but with the angst of a person concerned about some of his life’s work being ruined and her being — in no way mean but — totally expressionless, emotionless, uncaring and unempathetic as to what I was feeling.

Just then, another TSA employee approached me and said, “Sir, I heard what you were asking. Please be assured, this is an area I’m very familiar with. There will be absolutely no damage to your DVDs. While there are some very specific types of camera films this could possibly happen to, the chances are zero with what you have right there. It’s going to be fine.”

Wow! Wowee Wow! What a difference! What a huge difference!

In the next article, we’ll look at the “key to communicating empathy.”  Oh, if you are wondering if there was a line behind me I was holding up, no; I was the only one in line. Wouldn’t want you to think I was self-centeredly holding up others. Of course, I was indeed being self-centered but was not holding up others.)

So, how do you apply empathy in your business in order to add value to the relationship? And, do you have any positive examples of others who have done this? Please feel free to share.