A great friend of mine is an expert in his field. It’s a field that — while growing — is still under-the-radar in terms of mass consciousness. He writes and speaks about it but often feels as though his words are falling on deaf ears.

He also feels as though sometimes he comes on too strong in terms of communicating his message. He writes:

“I just hate sounding like a freakin’ know-it-all sometimes Bob. People must get really tired of me talking about this. Heck…most people don’t even believe it!!!”

I feel for him because I know he has huge belief and feels that — as people come to understand and embrace this — they, and the world as a whole, will be better off for it.

May I explore two points regarding my friend’s concern:

Minor point: our world is such that most don’t easily accept that which is different from their already-established beliefs. If and when these particular ideas are accepted en masse it will happen over time. Remember, it took “sliced bread” (i.e., “the greatest thing since…”) 20 years after it’s invention to catch on. So, enjoy the journey of educating and enlightening whomever you can, but don’t be attached to the outcome. Some will get it. Most won’t.

Major point: my general feeling is that people don’t mind being taught so long as they don’t feel the teacher is telling them that they have the “only real” answer…even when the teacher truly believes they have it.

That’s why, as “unfair” as it seems, the people who succeed aren’t necessarily the ones who have the exceptional idea, product, service, solution, etc., but are able to communicate it in such a way that others desire to receive it.

Esther Hicks writes, “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.”

Yes, great influencers don’t push; they pull. And, gently at that.

As I was leaving Dunkin’ Donuts yesterday after my usual Sunday morning two hours of coffee, donuts (just two) and reading, I held the door for a woman who was walking in, smiled at her and said hello.

“How do you do it?” she asked. “You’re always smiling. Always so happy. How can that be?”

Background: she often meets her daughter and adorable baby grandson here on Sunday mornings. She seems like a lovely person, though she often seems to be annoyed at everything around her. She has that general aura of unhappiness. I’m not judging her (who am I to judge anyone?); it’s just how I’ve always seen her from my unique viewpoint.

“Well” I explained. Please know that I’m not always happy. Life throws us all curveballs; some more serious than others, but we all have our ups and downs. Life is…life! There are three things I try and keep in mind though.

“First, if I’m unhappy about something currently happening, there’s no reason to bring others down. It doesn’t add to their world, and it doesn’t make mine any better.

“Second, there’s a lot to be grateful for. When I’m in a down mood I try and keep in mind that there are people in other parts of the world living on a dollar a day and walking miles and miles in quest of drinking water for themselves and their loved ones. And, there are people who have disabilities and are living in devastating pain every day. So, while my heart breaks for them,  I realize I’m very fortunate, and I’m filled with gratitude.

“Third, I simply act my way into feeling happy.”

“What was that?” she suddenly asked. And, I must admit, I thought she was asking in a way that implied it was about the silliest, stupidest thing she’d ever heard in her life.

“Well,” I explained, “most of us have been taught that we must first feel happy in order to be happy. However, it’s actually the opposite. We can actually act our way into the feeling we desire. Put a huge smile on your face and just try to be sad. It’s difficult, if not impossible to do so because the mind cannot simultaneously hold two opposing thoughts.”

She looked amazed. “So, act happy and you’ll be happy. You’re saying you can really act your way into happiness” said as though she needed affirmation that what she’d heard…I’d said.

“Yes. You can act your way into feeling happy.”

“Amazing” she replied. “I’m going to go in and write that down right now!”

Now, that made me happy…no acting necessary.

In a recent post we looked at the importance of listening. Just listening; not problem-solving.

While there are times that proactively helping someone solve a problem is very legitimate, paradoxically, not trying to solve a problem is often the best way to have it solved. By simply listening (allowing the other person to be heard) the problem often simply dissolves. Or, just as well, the person solves the problem themselves, which empowers them and helps build another leader.

As mentioned, I’ve had to work very hard at improving myself in this area. When someone comes to me with a problem, I still have to fight my inclination to go into fixing-mode and, instead, just listen. Writing the previous post reminded me of a recent situation in that regard.

On a speaking trip there was a logistical mix-up in one city that caused some distress for the person who planned the meeting, as well as for me. It was really nothing more than a miscommunication but it caused some negative feelings for the meeting planner, and she wanted to speak with Kathy and me personally in order to bring some closure to it.

We did a three-way conference call and she began to relate the story from her point of view. Knowing that some information had been related to her by our mutual client and desiring to put her mind at ease, I began to explain what had happened. Naturally, I did this feeling that — by telling her this — she’d feel better, realizing I understood she was not at fault.

Suddenly, I noticed my Skype Instant Message pop up with a message from Kathy. It simply said:

“Bob, I think she really just needs to be listened to right now. ”

Point taken. Kathy was right. She simply needed to be heard. She had been frustrated by feeling that her actions had been misunderstood and simply needed us to listen. Satisfied that was now the case, all was fine.

Meanwhile, I still have a ways to go in the “listening…really just listening” department.

Emotional “posture” is that great “state” where, while you might prefer a certain result, you are not “emotionally attached” to it. You care…but not that much. Sure, you’d prefer your desired result to take place and — if it does — that’s terrific! However, your personal happiness, joy and peace of mind is in no way dependent upon it.

What’s awesome is that — when this is the case — not only are you less bothered when you don’t get what you want…the chances are better that you will get what you want. No, not due to some far out, mystical or magical reasons, but for very practical reasons.

Without the “attachment” you are able to focus more clearly on your goal without the distraction of fear getting in the way (attachment is always accompanied by fear). Others, seeing your calm and confident manner, are more attracted to you and to your desired outcome, as well.

This takes practice. Saying, “don’t be attached, don’t be attached, don’t be attached” doesn’t do it. What does is constant, consistent and thoughtful practice. It’s an understanding that all that happens is for the good. It’s understanding that, if for some reason, a desire is not fulfilled, then it wasn’t supposed to be. And, most likely because something even better is on the way.

Important: Please don’t misinterpret this to mean that you should be lackadaisical in your efforts or not give your best because, “if it’s supposed to be — it will just happen.” Uh-uh, that’s magical thinking. You do your very best, with all the effort you can muster. Then, regardless of the result, you have peace. Either because your desire was realized or, even if it wasn’t, you know you did your very best. And, something even better is coming.

How are you doing in the “emotional posture” department? Have you found a good way to help develop this state of mind that I might have missed?

In a recent post by Certified Go-Giver Coach, Linda Ryan, she suggested some great ideas for bringing yourself out of an emotional funk.

One of her readers wrote, “Why not just decide to be happy?”

It was an excellent question. And, knowing the reader personally, I know he is a successful business person with a great attitude and, I assume, happy, as well.

And, while there are those who really can simply make that decision and…be happy, that is not true for everyone; at least within their present life model.

For example, let’s take a person who has grown up in a family where they were taught life is miserable and all you can do is your best to survive. And, that happiness is not a natural state but simply something that only some lucky people have.

And, now, they are learning that is not necessarily the case. They are reading good books, listening to positive audios and ready to make a change based on this new information.

But, they’re still learning.

If that’s the case, he or she might need some “tools” that help them to apply that decision. Sometimes, just taking a personal accounting of all one is grateful for is enough to do it. And, sometimes, because life can really get us down, it’s important to — as Linda suggested — prepare in advance with that “bag of tricks.”

Of course, I totally agree with the reader that the first step is to simply make that decision! At the same time, don’t hesitate to use whatever “tools” you need to make it happen.

What do you think?