Life can seem — and even be — so unfair at times.

“But it wasn’t my fault” or “This or that happened, and I had no control” are words we often hear from others. Perhaps, from time-to-time, even from ourselves.

Sometimes, these “out of my control” incidents actually could have been avoided had we taken preventative actions. Yes, I got caught in traffic, but had I given myself extra time, I still would have made the appointment with room to spare.

Other times, it really was out of our control and we simply have to deal with the consequences … anyway.

How we deal with those consequences not only tells us about ourselves, it also tells others about us.

In a recent article by my friend, Michael A. Aun, an ultra-successful entrepreneur, long-time professional speaker and mentor to many, he tells the following story:

“I was fortunate enough to win the World Championship of Public Speaking for Toastmasters International in 1978 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.  I also won the same contest in 1977 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, but was disqualified because I went eight seconds over my allotted time limit. I was literally announced as the winner and then was disqualified for going eight seconds overtime.  I got a standing ovation in the middle of the speech.  It lasted eight seconds.  That was a bitter pill to swallow, but I learned that you have to go through Toronto to get to Vancouver.  You have to experience setbacks in your life before you’ll ever embrace victory.”

Powerful, indeed; having to swallow that bitter pill in order to embrace a sweet victory. However, it’s his summation of this experience in the following paragraph that was my huge take-away:

“I learned also that my audiences are far more interested in how I dealt with the defeat in Toronto than the fruits of the victory in Vancouver. That’s what audiences want to know – how you deal with adversity.”

The word “audience” doesn’t only refer literally to a group of people listening to a presentation from stage. It’s everyone who is in any way a part of our business and personal lives. They will judge your character and mine by how we handle our adversities and — dare I say — decide whether or not they trust us in practically any other area of life.

Thank you, Michael; one of many powerful lessons I’ve learned from you over the years.

Mortified: Humiliated or shamed.

That’s what I was last Friday afternoon, and it was my own fault.

It began that morning during my visit to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist I was referred to by my physician. I’ve been having some challenges with laryngitis (that’s not good for a speaker to have, right?) and he was going through some of my history with me.

“I see you had your nose operated on.”

“Yes, 15 years ago. Unfortunately, however, the Dr., Dr. _______ really messed it up. He told me afterward there were so many tiny broken bones he decided to just compact them. Since then, my breathing has gotten worse, not better. I don’t know if he’s even still in the area.”

Then, at about 1:30 P.M. the mortification set in.

I suddenly realized I had given the wrong name of the other doctor. This was another EN&T practitioner I’d visited several years ago regarding an ear challenge and who was very good. For some reason I had simply confused the names of the two previous doctors.

All I could think of is that my current EN&T doc might know the other one and think ill of him, and for no reason other than that I happened to confuse a name.

I had gossiped big-time and had to rectify it. But, what damage might already have occurred? Could my new doctor have already mentioned the innocent doctor’s name to one of their mutual peers, and so on?

Fortunately, although he was now between offices, I was able to get a message to him with the basic info that I had given him the incorrect name and to please call me, which he did.

How could my gossip (unintentional as it was, but still just as potentially harmful) have been avoided? Simply by not even attempting to mention the name of the first doctor from 15 years ago. There was really no reason to. The chances are that — if the current doctor knew him — he’d know if he was good or not.*

There was simply no reason to have named names in this case. And, rationalize as I might, I had gossiped. And, it could have resulted in ruining a man’s reputation.

Fortunately, it didn’t.

I’m still mortified.

———-

*The reason that what I did qualifies as gossip is because there was no need to share the name. However, if someone came to me for advice regarding potentially using that first doctor, it would be my responsibility to share my experience. It would not be gossip so long as several criteria are met, which I’ll explain in a future article.

You might recall the story of Liberty — the neighborhood stray cat who was considering allowing me to apply for the position of being her human, meaning I could feed her as much as I wanted to. And, yes, this time I do say “her” because — as many of you guessed — that’s what she is.

Well, our relationship has evolved quite a bit, though I still don’t really understand her. As stated in the first article, I’m a dog person and feel fairly certain I know what motivates them. Mainly, I relate to dogs; their sense of loyalty and the unabashed love they have for family. Liberty…not so much.

We have become close friends, I think. She now sleeps on my patio chair and greets me in the morning…well okay, to meow for her breakfast. Throughout the day, she comes back to see me. True, it’s for her kibble but she does in fact see me, as well. Then, at about the same time every late afternoon, she comes back to visit me again…and eat her dinner.

But, please don’t think she doesn’t feel a connection with me. At about 8pm she comes inside for a while, let’s me pet her, eats her late night snack, bathes herself (she sure does that a lot!) looks for catnip, and naps about two feet from where I’m working. Sometimes, while I’m talking baby-talk to her (disgustin’, ain’t it?), she’ll look at me; but usually she pretends to ignore me (as IF she doesn’t like it).

One night she did…err, “tinkle” on the carpet. I’m told that meant she was marking her territory because she feels close to me. I’d prefer she not feel “that” close to me.  I immediately insisted she leave and kept her out on the patio for a good 30 minutes before letting her back in, feeling secure that she learned her lessons and now respected my boundaries. Little son of a gun did it again!

I’ve gotta’ say that what I enjoy the most is watching this creature that just a few months ago was terrified of anything human, now sleeping soundly right near me without a care in the world, totally secure that she has a human friend who would never hurt her.  It’s really awesome.

We (Christine from the local Humane Society and I) did determine that she is spayed so trapping her is no longer an issue. Good thing because — truth be told — I’m a wimp and didn’t have the heart for it. Yes, I’d like to get her to a vet to get checked but, she really is an independent soul and doesn’t seem any more excited about that idea than I was about her tinkling on my floor.

Anyway, that’s the update. She really is a good girl. And, I’m glad to have her in my life, dog-person aside.

If you’d like to see what she’s thinking, just place your cursor over her pictures. Meanwhile, admit it; she’s adorable!

When we last left off learning from one of my heroes; retired mega-successful business leader, Le Herron, I said that in our final article about this great man, we’d look at something he told me during our phone conversation. I had the honor of receiving a telephone call from him after he’d heard about the articles I was writing on him (and, yes, he’s just as kind, humble…and wise as he appears to be in his book).

What I’m sharing, with his permission, is the part we talked about — not discussed in the book — regarding the sergeant whose admonition of then Second Lieutenant Herron the former CEO credits with shaping his philosophy of leadership, related in, Making Your Company Human.

Please visit the first post and read the admonition. I’ll wait for you here……..

So, what was it Mr. Herron told me that was even more special about this?

Simply that the old sergeant was not only way out of line in criticizing an officer, but in doing so, he was putting himself in a position of demotion and loss of his own freedom.

But, he did it anyway.

Why? And, have you, or someone you know, done something similar? How did it work out for you, for them, and for others?

Personally, while I’d like to think I would…I’m really not sure I’d have had the guts to do what the sergeant did.  But I and everyone whose life has ever been touched by Mr. Herron — if they know the story — is glad he did!

In the previous article we saw that, whether it’s a family, organizational, sales, or other important matter, when you are about to take part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties involved have the time and willingness to participate.

If you don’t, then the most likely result is that you either won’t have their undivided attention regarding the issue or, when they need to go, they will, and the situation will be left unresolved. And, picking up the conversation exactly where you left off and with the same momentum is much easier said than done, if it ever resumes at all.

Important: Before the conversation or meeting ever begins, be sure all parties are committed to the process, and for the amount of time it has been agreed upon.

Gently create agreement for sufficient time. How?

1. Ask for it. If this is a family or group, you might say,  “I’d like for us to discuss _______ and I believe it’s going to take up to 45 minutes. Do you have 45 minutes that you can dedicate without feeling pressed for time?”

If it’s a boss, it might be, “Ms. Thomas, I need to discuss an important issue. Could we take about 17 minutes? That’s about how much time I believe we’ll need.” (Hint: the more specific the number you use, the greater the chances are for agreement. 17 minutes is actually even better than 15 because, while 15 can appear to be a number picked out of thin air, 17 sounds as though every minute has been reasoned out and has a purpose.)

2. Be able to work around a curve ball. Ms. Thomas says, “I really only have a couple minutes until my next meeting, but please go ahead. I’m sure I’ll be able to help with whatever the problem might be.”

Here’s where you need to both use the right words, and say them in the correct way.

You: I appreciate that, Ms. Thomas. Thank you so much. Actually, I know I’ll need about 15-17 minutes. Could we re-schedule for when you have a bit more time?

Ms. Thomas: Really, I’d prefer we discuss it now. I’m sure it’ll be okay.

You: I appreciate that so much. This is something that’s really more than a two-minute conversation, though, and the last thing I want to do is waste two minutes of your time when I know that won’t be enough. If we could, may I schedule a 17-minute block with your admin, Pat?

Yes, we used the word “I’ several times. In this case, it’s important to utilize an I Message because you want to take the responsibility for needing more time as opposed to putting it on them with a “You Message” which could make them feel defensive and be more inclined to insist on a “now” conversation.

Key: Just like when having to graciously say “no” to a request, it’s vital to maintain inner strength and to respond in a way that communicates you are honoring that person, even though you are not giving in to them.

Use the same basic principle as the above whenever you need to make sure there is enough time for the conversation to be an effective one. Just remember that if you allow yourself to get sucked in to a conversation when the proper amount of time has not been allocated for its success, you might as well not even bother. The results will most likely be the same anyway.

Understanding that will help you to remain strong yet tactful in order to obtain the agreement of time you need.