Life can seem — and even be — so unfair at times.

“But it wasn’t my fault” or “This or that happened, and I had no control” are words we often hear from others. Perhaps, from time-to-time, even from ourselves.

Sometimes, these “out of my control” incidents actually could have been avoided had we taken preventative actions. Yes, I got caught in traffic, but had I given myself extra time, I still would have made the appointment with room to spare.

Other times, it really was out of our control and we simply have to deal with the consequences … anyway.

How we deal with those consequences not only tells us about ourselves, it also tells others about us.

In a recent article by my friend, Michael A. Aun, an ultra-successful entrepreneur, long-time professional speaker and mentor to many, he tells the following story:

“I was fortunate enough to win the World Championship of Public Speaking for Toastmasters International in 1978 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.  I also won the same contest in 1977 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, but was disqualified because I went eight seconds over my allotted time limit. I was literally announced as the winner and then was disqualified for going eight seconds overtime.  I got a standing ovation in the middle of the speech.  It lasted eight seconds.  That was a bitter pill to swallow, but I learned that you have to go through Toronto to get to Vancouver.  You have to experience setbacks in your life before you’ll ever embrace victory.”

Powerful, indeed; having to swallow that bitter pill in order to embrace a sweet victory. However, it’s his summation of this experience in the following paragraph that was my huge take-away:

“I learned also that my audiences are far more interested in how I dealt with the defeat in Toronto than the fruits of the victory in Vancouver. That’s what audiences want to know – how you deal with adversity.”

The word “audience” doesn’t only refer literally to a group of people listening to a presentation from stage. It’s everyone who is in any way a part of our business and personal lives. They will judge your character and mine by how we handle our adversities and — dare I say — decide whether or not they trust us in practically any other area of life.

Thank you, Michael; one of many powerful lessons I’ve learned from you over the years.

Mortified: Humiliated or shamed.

That’s what I was last Friday afternoon, and it was my own fault.

It began that morning during my visit to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist I was referred to by my physician. I’ve been having some challenges with laryngitis (that’s not good for a speaker to have, right?) and he was going through some of my history with me.

“I see you had your nose operated on.”

“Yes, 15 years ago. Unfortunately, however, the Dr., Dr. _______ really messed it up. He told me afterward there were so many tiny broken bones he decided to just compact them. Since then, my breathing has gotten worse, not better. I don’t know if he’s even still in the area.”

Then, at about 1:30 P.M. the mortification set in.

I suddenly realized I had given the wrong name of the other doctor. This was another EN&T practitioner I’d visited several years ago regarding an ear challenge and who was very good. For some reason I had simply confused the names of the two previous doctors.

All I could think of is that my current EN&T doc might know the other one and think ill of him, and for no reason other than that I happened to confuse a name.

I had gossiped big-time and had to rectify it. But, what damage might already have occurred? Could my new doctor have already mentioned the innocent doctor’s name to one of their mutual peers, and so on?

Fortunately, although he was now between offices, I was able to get a message to him with the basic info that I had given him the incorrect name and to please call me, which he did.

How could my gossip (unintentional as it was, but still just as potentially harmful) have been avoided? Simply by not even attempting to mention the name of the first doctor from 15 years ago. There was really no reason to. The chances are that — if the current doctor knew him — he’d know if he was good or not.*

There was simply no reason to have named names in this case. And, rationalize as I might, I had gossiped. And, it could have resulted in ruining a man’s reputation.

Fortunately, it didn’t.

I’m still mortified.

———-

*The reason that what I did qualifies as gossip is because there was no need to share the name. However, if someone came to me for advice regarding potentially using that first doctor, it would be my responsibility to share my experience. It would not be gossip so long as several criteria are met, which I’ll explain in a future article.

In Part One, we established that things — ideas, products, concepts, etc. — don’t usually just sell themselves; they need to first be sold. We concluded by looking at Schopenhauer’s famous quote, “All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as self-evident.”

And, sometimes…it’s simply ignored!

In his excellent book, The Purple Cow, marketing authority Seth Godin shares the story of the person who literally invented sliced bread. We’ve all heard the saying that something is “the best thing to come along since sliced bread.” So, obviously, the man responsible for its creation saw the world rushing to his door, correct?

Umm, not exactly. According to Godin:

“In 1912, Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented this simple machine that could take a loaf of bread and actually slice it. And, the machine was a complete failure. This was the beginning of the advertising age, and that meant a good product with lousy marketing had very little chance of success. It wasn’t until about twenty years later — when a new brand called Wonder started marketing sliced bread that the invention caught on. It was the packaging and the advertising of WonderBread — builds strong bodies twelve ways — that worked, not the sheer convenience and innovation of pre-sliced bread.”

The point is, regardless of whether it’s a huge, multi-national conglomerate paying big bucks to advertise or the salesperson or small business owner hitting the pavement, the Internet, or both, selling on some level must take place.

Sure, the McDonald’s customer doesn’t have to be sold on the burger (though originally they were), or maybe even the fries and soft drink. But the person behind the counter who knows how to gently, effectively and consistently upsell the hot, delicious apple pie brings in a lot more money for the store, and has a happier (if not lighter) customer.

Yep, even great ideas usually need to be sold. And, they are sold by salespeople. That’s why sales is called “sales” and selling is called “selling.” Neither are called order-taking.

Of course, that salesperson need not literally be a sales professional, but may instead take the shape of a parent, a friend, a teacher or a coach. In other words, someone who sells another on doing what will be in the best interest of the buyer.

And that might simply be spreading the peanut butter on one slice of bread and the jelly on the other.

In our book, Go-Givers Sell More, John David Mann and I begin by discussing some of the fallacies and misconceptions associated with selling. The first is that people often think of sales as trying to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do (i.e., buy something they don’t want or need).

Of course, selling is exactly the opposite; it is finding out what someone does want or need…and helping them to get it.

But, this brings up a good question: “If someone wants or needs something, can’t they just tell you? I mean, are people so stupid that they can’t figure these things out for themselves?”

Actually, it has nothing to do with being stupid or smart. It has more to do with simply not necessarily knowing what is available and/or possible. That’s why part of a professional salesperson’s job is to educate, which is one of the six “things” we say salespeople provide within the selling process: time, attention, counsel, education, empathy and value.

Please understand that practically all of the helpful, useful and valuable inventions that today we take for granted first had to be sold to the public.

The brilliant 18th Century German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer is quoted as saying that “all truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as self-evident.”

In Part Two, we’ll look at how this plays out.

Is there ever a need to verbally correct or critique? Well…actually, yes. The bigger question: is it possible to do so in such a way that not only will the person accept your correction, but truly embrace and utilize it?

Yes, so long as you keep the human ego in mind and realize the key is tact.

People often ask why others have such a difficult time accepting their constructive criticism. One reader asked:

“Whether I’m correcting my children or employees, I feel as though they always have a negative reaction to what I say. This disturbs me. When I correct, it’s only for their own good and to help them to become more effective. Is there something I’m missing here? Why are they so resistant to my helping them?”

Often, whether or not people buy into what we say depends less upon logic than it does on how their ego accepts what they hear.

And this is why they seem to resist your corrections, your critique, your help and your advice. Yes, even when it’s for their own good!

Wouldn’t you agree that, generally speaking, few people truly enjoy being corrected or criticized? I mean, I can’t think of the last time someone criticized me, and I responded by saying, “THANK YOU! THANK YOU for pointing out the error of my ways.”

Yet, in the real world, correcting and critiquing others is a part of life. Your kids didn’t clean their rooms, your employee overpaid on a negotiable product, your customer is not working with you productively, etc.

There is one concept above practically all else that makes the biggest difference in your ability to persuade others to your way of thinking and attain the results you desire. It is known by several different words: diplomacy, sensitivity, savior faire, and yes, “tact.”

“Tact is the language of strength.”
- Mike Burg, My Dad

Tact is the ability to say something or make a point in such a way that not only is the other person not offended; they are totally receptive. Learning what to say and how to say it will get results for you which will seem just like magic.

Whenever you must call someone’s attention to a particular way of acting, keep tact in mind. Tact will be the key to how they receive you and what you say, and whether they will ultimately take the action that will benefit all concerned.

How do we utilize tact? First, we consider what we are going to say…before we say it. We edit our speech, before we speak. We ask ourselves questions such as, “How will he or she ‘feel’ regarding what I’m about to say, and how I’m about to say it?”

For the next 21 days, take a pretend tape recorder with you and “play back” every conversation you have. Critique yourself; “Did I think before I spoke?”, “Was I considerate of their feelings?”, “Was I gentle in my manner?”, and “Was the expression on my face consistent with my words?”

Focus on this for the next 21 days. If you feel as though you don’t know the exact right words – no problem.  Begin with the right intent; the words will usually take care of themselves. Not to mention, we’ll discuss many of the right words in future articles, as we have in many of the articles that are currently archived and which you can go through at your convenience.

Let’s check back in 21 days. Meanwhile, feel free to share your success stories with us.