Feeling Good About Oneself
It’s so very basic; yet, it is perhaps the key element to understand when it comes to the art of leadership, influence, persuasion and Winning Without Intimidation.
While I hesitate to use the word “everyone” it really does seem that everyone, at their most basic level, wants and desires to feel good about themselves. They want to feel loved, liked, respected, acknowledged, cared about, and to have a healthy self-image.
When you help them to feel this way about themselves, they are more likely to feel good about you and thus, be much more amenable to your ideas and suggestions, which is at the heart of persuasion, whether positive or, even it’s negative form which is manipulation.
The negative aspect is why I’ve stated before that “few things are as dangerous as a bad person* with good people skills.”
That aside, there are few things as benevolent as a good person with good people skills. And, a key aspect of having good people skills is understanding this basic and universal need in people to feel good about themselves.
Your thoughts?
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*”Bad Person” defined in this case as “one with evil intent”)
Bob, just to share from a personal perspective, I’ve seemed to hit a gold mine recently of people who help me to do just that. They’re doing such a great job of helping me to feel better about myself that all I want to do is help them in any way possible.
Even though we don’t know each other very well yet and you may not know this, but you are one of those people. I really appreciate all that you share and how you lead by example. Thank you.
Agreed. If you make me feel valued and respected, you move directly to the top of my Christmas card list
No one likes to be put down or belittled or have their point of view diminished.
Bob, you’ve hit the nail on the head! We work with people, not concepts or ideas – people. It’s about building relationships and establishing trust and value. When you put someone down or come at them with negativity, they bristle and close their hearts and minds to you. Genuine, positive interactions can include constructive criticism as well. As Coach Don Shula phrased it so well:
“My responsibility is leadership, and the minute I get negative, that is going to have an influence on my team.” Thank you.
Bob I agree with you that it’s often hard to paint the ‘everyone’ with the same paint brush and in this instance, I do believe it fits. Yes at a deep core level people just want to be seen, heard and celebrated for the life they have on this earth. And the danger in that open, vulnerability can come when we give too much sanction to others in an effort to feel ‘good’.
I live by the rule and core belief of ‘do unto others’ – It’s the whole treat others the way you want to be treated and it will come back to you aspect of engagement. When we do that, our self efficacy rises and we are seen at an entirely deeper level.
What a great post as we go into the Holiday season and get to engage with family…for some the key will be in how they seem themselves and how they present to others. Go in efficacious and come out feeling good.
Bob, I agree with all you have stated but I think we can take it to the next level and include every living thing. The following quote by William James exposes, in my opinion, the key to every relationship we have.
“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” -William James
When we acknowledge others and make them feel appreciated, for whatever role they may play in our life, they will feel good about themselves just as you have stated. It doesn’t matter if that person is a son, daughter, wife, customer or colleague, when we take the time show appreciation for WHO they are it makes a difference. Our problems start when we only show appreciation when these individuals do what we want done. Pushing our values and beliefs on others causes disharmony. Appreciating others for who they are is a state of love and love is bliss.
Great subject.
All my best,
Bob Martinelli
bobthecardguy on twitter
I think we should genuinely appreciate everyone that we come into contact with. We shouldn’t show appreciation by rote, just because it is something nice to do- in order to persuade others, but because we value individuals for who they are on a core level.
Discernment is a gift that comes in handy when weeding out the bad people with good people skills, those whose only intent is to do evil or offer vain flattery for their own gain.
Debbi,
I like that line, “those whose only intent is to do evil or offer vain flattery for their own gain.” Very nice, can I use it?
Bob Martinelli
bobthecardguy on twitter
http://www.linkedin.com/in/bobmartinelli
Bob,
You are so right on each point made.
The people who scare me the most are bad people with good people skills.
I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!
Todd
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your feedback, wisdom and personal experiences with us.