Yesterday’s post elicited quite a few comments, both from cat lovers and lovers of The Five Love Languages, the bestselling book by Dr. Gary Chapman. One sent to me privately by my friend, Susan Somerset Webb, was – in my opinion – particularly gripping:
“In the late 70’s I left Chicago and a long term boyfriend (quite wealthy) to move to Florida because I didn’t feel loved by him. I told him this many times before I left. Fast forward many, many years later when we reconnect and over dinner he asked, ‘Tell me again why you left me?’ When I told him I didn’t feel loved (he never told me he loved me) he replied, ‘But I gave you everything.’ I would have replaced all the material things with one single ‘I love you.'”
His Love Language was gifts. Hers was words of affirmation.
In the title I used the word “chilling.” Why? Because it brings to mind just how many relationships have been damaged due to this lack of understanding of one’s own and one’s partner’s love language.
The good news is that perhaps Susan’s story can motivate the rest of us to take the concept very seriously. I guess, in that case, then… it’s not chilling at all, but rather encouraging.
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Great post, again, Bob. I know that I was totally “missing the boat” with this aspect of relationships until a friend recommended The Five Love languages. As a result of reading it, and putting the concepts into action, it has allowed me to recognize other’s love languages, including salvaging a primary relationship. In it, I had not been able to see the love that was being offered to me daily, and instead was only seeing what “I wasn’t receiving”, only because it wasn’t being given in my primary love language.
Thanks for posting this, to remind us who know about the Love Languages and to let other readers know that it exists.
My cousin Lauren has told me so much about you. I love seeing all your insights and sharings.
I have been using this book and its message in my workshops since that book came out several years ago –
I have observed how understanding these differences can build or damage a relationship. Iit is a lightbulb moment for participants.. when they have an opportunity to reflect and understand how their way of communicating love is often different from the way another may have learned to show their love.
I recommend that book – think of how great it would be if we all become bi lingual in the love languages.
Bob thanks for this … often reminded but never instructed ! What if everybody read this … would the divorce rate be 50% would families get along better how would this affect our culture? I bet this book alone could cause a culture shock 🙂 Thanks Bob for all you do … adding value to anyone and everyone as long as they are willing to turn the first page! 🙂
Bob,
Thank you for this retro post. As you know by now, I refer to this philosophy quite often. On Valentines Day I posted a question concerning the gifts people purchased for the love of their life. I wondered if it was according to their love language or simply tradition. How many people got flowers when they just wanted a date nite?
Reading this book and the book, Five Love Languages of Apology (I am 4 of 5), opened my eyes to many things, but primarily the way I communicated with my young adult son. He had chores & I am the drill sergeant! Like most men, affirmation is one of his love languages. I never affirmed him for doing a great job on chores b/c I expected them not only to be done, but done with excellence. After reading & realizing why there was resistance in many areas of our relationship, Mom changed & I continue to change. To date, he is married, his apartment is always clean & I continually tell him how proud I am of him for helping his bride keep it that way!
These books are monumental in relationships on any level. I strive to know my biz partners love language & learn the different dialects as well. It brightens my day to see biz partners light up when I speak their language.
I encourage every single adult to read this book before becoming involved in a relationship. We should be able to recognize these & function accordingly. Also this should be the #1 gift at Bridal showers, b/c lets face it…..if they can’t speak each others love language, the fine china will be a garage sale item (after all… the book begins w/ a man that was married 3 times w/o success! )
I appreciate the fact that you endeavor to help us in every facet of building relationships!
g