Ever have a disagreement with someone only to later learn that it was based totally and completely on a misunderstanding? If you’re like most of us, your answer is a definite “Yes!” Let’s look at why this is, as well as a method you can use to overcome it, making your level of communication far more effective.

Whenever speaking on the topic of what I call, “Winning Without Intimidation” — mastering the art of positive persuasion — I begin with an explanation of an extremely important concept; “Beliefs.”

I define a “belief” as: “the truth as one understands the truth to be.”

What exactly does that mean?

Truth itself is fact. It is neutral, without feeling. It is neither good nor bad…it just is. It may be viewed as good or bad depending upon the context, situation and people involved. For example, the truth is that gravity works. That manifests as good when keeping you from floating thousands of feet into the air against your wishes.  It could be interpreted as rather bad when falling out of a six-story building.*

Viewing most interpersonal situations as good or bad, however, isn’t always that easy. Making it even more difficult is that determining the “goodness” or “badness” of any specific event or situation falls to a very subjective part of ourselves known as our Belief System.**

Our basic belief system is formed at a very young age. Many psychiatrists state that age as four years though I suspect the process begins even earlier! Our belief system is first given to us by our family and then finely chiseled by our environment, associations and life experiences. Once formed, our basic beliefs are extremely difficult (though certainly not impossible) to change because they operate primarily on an unconscious level. And, the unconscious rules. And, it rules without most of us even being aware that it rules!

A very somber example: someone grows up witnessing a very abusive relationship between his or her parents. This abuse may have been physical, verbal, emotional, or any combination of the above. Needless to say, it was a “bad” situation in which to grow up.

In all likelihood, the person who grew up in that environment believes, on a conscious level, that situation was “bad.” And yet, why does it happen so often – certainly more often than not – that throughout their life, that person will go from one “bad” relationship to another?

Because – plain and simply – their Belief System says that is the “truth” regarding how relationships are! As mentioned earlier, a belief is the truth as YOU understand the truth to be, regarding the way life is. On an unconscious level, that person will continually steer their way to their truth, according to their belief system.

A lighter example is a disagreement I had with someone many years ago. He was thinking about moving to this area and asked if a particular home a Realtor told him about over the phone was near the ocean. I said, “No, it’s pretty far away.” So he told the Realtor he wasn’t interested. When he and his wife arrived they asked me to show them the home just so they could see it. Upon viewing it he said, “I thought you told me it wasn’t near the ocean!”

Me: It isn’t!
Him: It is, too!
Me: No, it isn’t!
Him: Yes, it is!
(No, neither of us stuck out our tongue at the other and went “nyah, nyah”)

Let’s analyze this: The “truth” is that home was seven miles from the ocean. I, living in Jupiter, Florida and two blocks from the ocean, feel that seven miles is far away. He, being from the midwest, feels seven HUNDRED miles from the ocean isn’t too far away. I’d say our mis-communication had something to do with our belief systems. Yes, we are still friends. Why did neither of us think to mention the exact number of miles? I dunno.

In both business and personal relationships, when conflicts arise, the typical belief system is “For me to win, they need to lose.” Or, “If I want a bigger piece of pie, I need to take his or her slice.”

The Winning Without Intimidation (and, for that matter, the Go-Giver) Belief System says, “For me to win, I need to also help the other person win, or at least help them to feel good about the situation and themselves.” And, “If I want a bigger slice of pie, I’ll get together with him or her and bake a bigger pie” (which I have no clue how to do but you get my point).

In other words, “Both people win.”

So let’s look at an effective way to work with “Beliefs” in practically any type of situation in order to ensure that both you and the other person come out winners.

First, when in confrontation with a person you may be finding difficult to get along with, ask yourself four questions:

#1 How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?

#2 How is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?

#3 What questions can I ask this person that will clarify my understanding of their version of the truth (their Belief System)?

#4 What information can I give that will help them clarify their understanding of my version of the truth (my Belief System)?

As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people, there are generally three truths; their truth, the other person’s truth, and the actual truth (really, those first two truths are actually beliefs).

Through questions, as well as a caring exchange of information, the real truth can usually be discovered, generating understanding, peace, and respect. This leads to results in alignment with the Winning Without Intimidation and Go-Giver Belief Systems in which both people win.

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* The use of the words “good” and “bad” are used for easier reading (and, really, on my part, easier writing) since one could say that even “good and bad” are simply concepts. Spiritually  speaking, one might say that nothing is bad, because everything happens for a reason and, ultimately for the good (ahhh, there is that “bad and good” again. See what I mean?) . On a serious note, this is not to make light of any personal tragedies that simply cannot be explained on a human level.

**While there are many excellent books that explore the topic of Belief Systems on a much deeper level than we did in this article, two that I highly recommend are Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I’ve found both to be invaluable in my personal growth.

In the previous article we saw that, whether it’s a family, organizational, sales, or other important matter, when you are about to take part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties involved have the time and willingness to participate.

If you don’t, then the most likely result is that you either won’t have their undivided attention regarding the issue or, when they need to go, they will, and the situation will be left unresolved. And, picking up the conversation exactly where you left off and with the same momentum is much easier said than done, if it ever resumes at all.

Important: Before the conversation or meeting ever begins, be sure all parties are committed to the process, and for the amount of time it has been agreed upon.

Gently create agreement for sufficient time. How?

1. Ask for it. If this is a family or group, you might say,  “I’d like for us to discuss _______ and I believe it’s going to take up to 45 minutes. Do you have 45 minutes that you can dedicate without feeling pressed for time?”

If it’s a boss, it might be, “Ms. Thomas, I need to discuss an important issue. Could we take about 17 minutes? That’s about how much time I believe we’ll need.” (Hint: the more specific the number you use, the greater the chances are for agreement. 17 minutes is actually even better than 15 because, while 15 can appear to be a number picked out of thin air, 17 sounds as though every minute has been reasoned out and has a purpose.)

2. Be able to work around a curve ball. Ms. Thomas says, “I really only have a couple minutes until my next meeting, but please go ahead. I’m sure I’ll be able to help with whatever the problem might be.”

Here’s where you need to both use the right words, and say them in the correct way.

You: I appreciate that, Ms. Thomas. Thank you so much. Actually, I know I’ll need about 15-17 minutes. Could we re-schedule for when you have a bit more time?

Ms. Thomas: Really, I’d prefer we discuss it now. I’m sure it’ll be okay.

You: I appreciate that so much. This is something that’s really more than a two-minute conversation, though, and the last thing I want to do is waste two minutes of your time when I know that won’t be enough. If we could, may I schedule a 17-minute block with your admin, Pat?

Yes, we used the word “I’ several times. In this case, it’s important to utilize an I Message because you want to take the responsibility for needing more time as opposed to putting it on them with a “You Message” which could make them feel defensive and be more inclined to insist on a “now” conversation.

Key: Just like when having to graciously say “no” to a request, it’s vital to maintain inner strength and to respond in a way that communicates you are honoring that person, even though you are not giving in to them.

Use the same basic principle as the above whenever you need to make sure there is enough time for the conversation to be an effective one. Just remember that if you allow yourself to get sucked in to a conversation when the proper amount of time has not been allocated for its success, you might as well not even bother. The results will most likely be the same anyway.

Understanding that will help you to remain strong yet tactful in order to obtain the agreement of time you need.

The following is something I’ve found to make a dramatic difference in my life, especially in the area of communication which, by and large, I believe accounts for about 90 percent of all effectiveness:

When you are about to take part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties have the time and willingness to participate.

This sounds both simple and self-evident, yet is a crucial element often overlooked and downright ignored.

Consider the following…

You: Do you have some time to talk? It’s kind of important.

They: I’ve got a little bit of time but have to head out in a little while. What do you need?

You: Oh, that’s okay. I’ll wait until you have more time.

They: No, really, go ahead; I’m fine. What’s up?

So, confident you have his attention, you begin. But, you notice that as you’re speaking he — every so often — looks at his watch. And, his engagement level is sort of low. And, he’s  beginning to unconsciously shuffle some papers and, eventually, he provides a very hurried and unsatisfying response to whatever it was you wanted to discuss, assuring you that he gets the point and blah blah blah.

But he didn’t. And you most likely regret having had this very abridged conversation.

Whether holding a family meeting or having a very necessary one-on-one discussion with a family member; whether needing to speak with your boss about an important issue, having a staff conference or setting an appointment with a sales prospect (on the phone or in person), establish that the time is there and available.

If not, the chances are close to excellent that the results…will not be excellent.

In Part 2, let’s see how we can gently create agreement for sufficient time.

Meanwhile, what has been your experience regarding today’s topic?

The first three parts of this series on follow-up have discussed:

#1 The personalized notecard

#2 Value-based information

#3 The scratch pad

And, each of these are extremely effective in building an ongoing relationship in which you communicate that your goal is to provide value.

This Video Brief, however, provides — perhaps — the most important and effective thing you can do in order to win their hearts, as well as their direct business and referrals. This, in a way that genuinely and authentically allows you to be an asset of value to their lives.

Go through your entire list of contacts, prospects, customers, clients and referral sources and begin to put today’s action idea into play. And, even better than all the new business and referrals you’ll obtain as a result…will be the great feeling you’ll obtain by providing some truly exceptional value to the lives of lots and lots of people along the way.

There’s a saying that, in sales, we should treat our prospects like family. I wonder about that one, though.

After all, when dealing with loved ones don’t we sometimes assume we know what they are thinking? Do we not try to win a debate solely for the sake of winning? Are there times we actually argue? Are we ever guilty of not being as kind as we could possibly be when speaking with those we love?

On the other hand, when dealing with prospects, we don’t assume, but ask questions so we can understand what they are thinking, and what they want and need. We don’t debate because we know there is no winning a debate with a prospect, right? After all, win the debate – lose the sale.

We don’t argue with him or her because that, as well, is pointless. And we’re always kind because we want our prospect to like us, so that they’ll be more apt to buy.

Let me suggest then, that, instead of treating our prospects like family, let’s treat our family like prospects. And, while we”re at it, let’s treat our prospects like they are prospects, as well.

Your thoughts?