In Part One, I shared my surprise and dismay at finding out that a college classmate for whom I had a lot of respect actually disliked me very much and was quite outspoken about it. I handled the situation very reactively, defensively, angrily, and in a way that was counter-productive to all concerned.
How should I have handled it? How should you or I, or anyone else handle a similar present-day situation if one should occur?
Of course, one option is to simply ignore it. That is, don’t let it bother you. Carry on as if nothing happened. But, I don’t think that’s necessarily a good choice. Why? First, for most of us, that’s simply very difficult to do. Especially if you have to be around this person for any significant amount of time, either in the workplace or other environment. Secondly, and more importantly, sweeping something like this “under the rug” doesn’t result in any type of personal growth and only sets the stage for similar unresolved conflicts.
Instead, I would suggest that you directly, yet politely question the person. For example, I could have taken Dennis aside and, with an “I Message” said, “Dennis, I understand I’ve said or done something to offend you and that bothers me, as I have a lot of respect for you. Would you mind telling me what I might have done so I can apologize for it, or at least give you my thoughts on it?”
This is a very legitimate and often effective solution.
One of the several excellent comments I received after yesterday’s post was from Randy Gage, who wrote:
“{Stephen R.} Covey’s advice, ‘seek first to understand’ is always good in a situation like this. But like you I’m sure I would have jumped on him in my earlier days. Now I would genuinely tell him that he is someone I respect and that I’m being told by others that he is upset with me and I would like to know why.
“Nothing beats the direct approach. This does scare some people because they are used to gossip in the dark, but it’s the only way to really resolve anything.”
Excellent. So, this would be my personal choice and, under most situations, my suggestion.
If, however, and for whatever reason, the person with whom you are trying to make amends is unresponsive, simply follow the advice of the very wise person who first said, “What someone thinks of me is none of my business.”
I love it. And, how true that is! Assuming that Dennis was not interested in resolving this (and, that’s merely an assumption we’ll use for the sake of this example), making it my business what Dennis thought of me only affected me, not him. After all, the hateful, bitter feelings I developed for him didn’t change his opinion of me. It may have “enhanced” it, but certainly didn’t change it.
The story is told that a famous general was asked his opinion about one of his subordinate officers. He was extremely complimentary about him. One of his aides immediately said, “But General, aren’t you aware of all the terrible things he has said about you?” To which, the general replied, “I wasn’t asked his opinion of me – I was asked my opinion of him.”
WOW – The conversation in which the general was involved sounds almost exactly like the one in which I was involved regarding Dennis. The general handled his much better.
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Bob, this is my favorite part:
The story is told that a famous general was asked his opinion about one of his subordinate officers. He was extremely complimentary about him. One of his aides immediately said, “But General, aren’t you aware of all the terrible things he has said about you?” To which, the general replied, “I wasn’t asked his opinion of me – I was asked my opinion of him.”
This displays true integrity of himself and sets the example for his men to follow.
As always…great stuff!
Great advice, as always, Bob. You’re actually following my Mom’s most oft-used advice: “If you’re not having fun, change something.” Between two people confrontation usually escalates things rather than changing them as your direct approach attempts to do.
I guess that means one of the reasons I like and respect you is because you remind me of my Mom. (Bet you weren’t expecting that compliment this morning!)
Great post and certainly reminds me of opportunities that I have had in the past to show up with more empathy and seeking to understand. Fortunately, over time and with the lessons of ineffective engagement, I too have come to appreciate both of the ideas forwarded in your post 1. Seek first to understand and 2. It is none of my business what another thinks of me. Thanks for the reminder.
I’ve always found having an advocate to speak to the person on your behalf helps ‘prepare the way’ for a good relationship (or for improving one that needs mending).
I learned it from the old testament (I believe from the Wisdom of Solomon, but not sure). Regardless, I have used this approach myself for my direct reports or sometimes for my boss when establishing connections to other teams internally.
I’ve found it works tremendously well to create bridges over conflict.
Oddly enough, American ‘John Wayne’ culture filters out this option from people’s consciousness – so that’s why it’s not used more often.
BB,
“What you think of me is none of my business” is something I am very focused on right now. As always, you are awesome (though you shouldn’t care that I think that 😉 )
It’s not easy when we learn that someone thinks badly of us or less of us or that not everyone sees the good we see in ourselves. I try to remember Agreement #2 to never take anything personally. Their reality is their reality — it isn’t yours.
Keep shining, my friend.
xo ~ Alli
Making it none of my business is a great suggestion Bob! The general is a truly smart person! My next question is; how does a person “let go” of their emotions in situations like this?
Joe
Hi Bob,
I love this article and the comments.
Not long ago, I walked into an open office where two of my best friends were talking about me (in front of me, but didn’t know it at the time), and what they were saying wasn’t very nice. I stood there for a minute and then said, “Heeellllooo.” The way they both jumped was so comical! And they began to apologize at the same time. The situation made it very easy to laugh and say, “I owe you…or maybe you owe me.” And I walked away.
They each came to me separately apologizing, again, to me.
(OH! I could tell you of one of my less than good experiences when I was younger. Those of us who wish to get wiser, just get wiser with our experiences that don’t work well if we’re open to the lessons).
I remember, Bob, in one of your articles a few years ago, you wrote about there being a percentage of people who will like you no matter what you do, and a percentage who will like you with some work (on your part), and a percentage who will never like you no matter what. It’s just the way things are…and so, who do we want to spend our energy on? It was a very, very good article!
One thing I’d like to add (that I’ve learned): there’s a percentage of people, who will like you no matter what, who might dislike you at times.
Thank you, Bob!
Pammie
Thank you Bob! You are AWESOME!
Hi Everyone, while I didn’t respond individually, please know that I did read all of your terrific feedback and great suggestions and appreciate your time and wisdom.
Joe, your question is one that – when it was actually a lot of money – would have been called “the $64,000 Question” (now it would probably be called the $1,000,000 question and pretty soon more than that, but that’s another issue) :-).
It IS difficult, and it takes a lot of internal work to get to the point where we can genuinely let go of our emotions in this situation and not let something like that bother us. This is why the Sages defined the “mighty person” as one who can control their own emotions. And, I agree, but I know I’m certainly not there yet. Much improved from years ago? Absolutely. At the level where I desire to be? No way. I wish I had a magic bullet for you on that one. I’d be using it, as well.
Quick thought: of the many excellent books I’ve read on this general topic, one that has indeed helped me immeasurably in this regard is “Handbook to Higher Consciousness” by Ken Keyes, Jr. You might want to pick it up. It’s a fascinating read and worthy of study. Just a suggestion, of course. http://bit.ly/bgNKPs
Bob,
When someone acts the way Dennis did, there is a lot of emotion fueling it. An observation is less confrontational than a request for an explanation. It will almost certainly get an emotional response and that is what you want. When someone has negative emotions about you, they are into being right and usually want to justify their anger.
Another way you could have approached Dennis would be to say, without any emotion, “It seems you are upset with me.” Let him vent until he quiets down and demands that you admit your guilt. Or, he might deny that there is any problem.
Either way, you say, “You still seem very upset,” the same way as you might say, “It just started raining.”
While this is happening, do not discuss any of the points he makes. Just keep focusing on his upsetness until he gives up his emotional responses and wants to have a civil conversation.
For more on this see my blog article “Angry People.”