A reader who offered a small amount of his services to a local organization at no cost in order to establish value and trust, got  “more than he bargained for.” His letter (reprinted with permission and with blank lines used in place of descriptive words) read:

“Bob, I’m stuck for a solution. I offered to __________ for the founder of  a series of networking events I just recently started attending. He agreed. In exchange, he offered me an event sponsor table at each monthly event. I wasn’t expecting that – I just wanted to do something to contribute to the success of this event.

“After __________ I also __________ in order to create even more value to what I had already done.

“I’ve created a monster. Now he’s expecting me to do this for all of the events he is running. In addition he’s asking for __________ as though it’s expected. And, believe it or not there are a few other things that require too much detail to go into.

“I’m feeling like there’s a whole lot going out on my part, but very little come in.

“As I stated, I was doing this to genuinely contribute to the success of the event. I’m starting to feel somewhat taken advantage of, I’m like an employee without compensation.

“I’m asking for some advice on a tactful way of conveying to him that it requires a lot of work to do what he wants, as well as the fact that my services aren’t cheap. This is really starting to become a burden, instead of something I enjoy doing.

“Any suggestions???”

———-

First, thank you for writing. I’m sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It’s not particularly uncommon. And, I used your entire letter instead of simply summarizing it in order to be able to illustrate how far these situations can go.

With that said, the good news is that the solution is fairly simple.

Politely communicate that, while you’re honored he enjoys your work, your original intent was just to provide some really good value to him and the organization, both to contribute and to demonstrate value and build trust in you and your work. Continue by letting him know – politely and with no negative emotion whatsoever – that, for the work he’s now asking you to do, while you are honored to be asked, you would need to begin charging since that is what you do for a living . And, that if that’s something he is interested in doing, you’d be delighted to work with him.

If he says no, that is your out. If he says yes, great!

Regardless, as long as you respond in such a way that you “thank him for the honor of asking” and then explain the parameters of actually doing it, you can’t go wrong.

I hope that helps.

Friends, want to add something? And, of course, if you feel I missed the mark, please sing out. We can all learn from each other.

On page 136 of John David Mann’s and my newest book, Go-Givers Sell More we write:

“The truth about ‘objections’ is that, most of the time, they aren’t really objections.”

One reader wrote in and asked:

“If they’re not objections, are they fears? Perhaps fear of unknown factors?”

Excellent question! While, on some level, fear of taking incorrect action comes into play, typically, objections are simply the fact that your prospect does not see the value of your product or service as equaling – or, much better – greatly exceeding – what they must exchange for it (price, time, risks, opportunity cost, etc.). So, in a sense, it’s more of an unstated request for additional, clarifying information. We could generally define an objection, then, as simply “a call for clarification.”

Being able to provide this clarification is important.

Framing your response correctly is crucial!

If you are defensive, you’ll turn the person off and close their mind to further information.

If you simply answer factually, you may convince but you probably won’t persuade.

The key is to – with true empathy and genuine focus on him or her and their feelings, concerns, wants, needs – communicate that your desire is to help create clarity and certainty, whatever their decision may be.

When you can effectively communicate this message, and provide the information they need in order to realize that your product will provide more in “use value” than what they are paying for it, the sale will be made, and you’ll have a customer who will enjoy the benefits of your excellent product or service…and refer you to many others.

In Part One, I shared my surprise and dismay at finding out that a college classmate for whom I had a lot of respect actually disliked me very much and was quite outspoken about it. I handled the situation very reactively, defensively, angrily, and in a way that was counter-productive to all concerned.

How should I have handled it? How should you or I, or anyone else handle a similar present-day situation if one should occur?

Of course, one option is to simply ignore it. That is, don’t let it bother you. Carry on as if nothing happened. But, I don’t think that’s necessarily a good choice. Why? First, for most of us, that’s simply very difficult to do. Especially if you have to be around this person for any significant amount of time, either in the workplace or other environment. Secondly, and more importantly, sweeping something like this “under the rug” doesn’t result in any type of personal growth and only sets the stage for similar unresolved conflicts.

Instead, I would suggest that you directly, yet politely question the person. For example, I could have taken Dennis aside and, with an “I Message” said, “Dennis, I understand I’ve said or done something to offend you and that bothers me, as I have a lot of respect for you. Would you mind telling me what I might have done so I can apologize for it, or at least give you my thoughts on it?”

This is a very legitimate and often effective solution.

One of the several excellent comments I received after yesterday’s post was from Randy Gage, who wrote:

“{Stephen R.} Covey’s advice, ‘seek first to understand’ is always good in a situation like this. But like you I’m sure I would have jumped on him in my earlier days. Now I would genuinely tell him that he is someone I respect and that I’m being told by others that he is upset with me and I would like to know why.

“Nothing beats the direct approach. This does scare some people because they are used to gossip in the dark, but it’s the only way to really resolve anything.”

Excellent. So, this would be my personal choice and, under most situations, my suggestion.

If, however, and for whatever reason, the person with whom you are trying to make amends is unresponsive, simply follow the advice of the very wise person who first said, “What someone thinks of me is none of my business.”

I love it. And, how true that is! Assuming that Dennis was not interested in resolving this (and, that’s merely an assumption we’ll use for the sake of this example), making it my business what Dennis thought of me only affected me, not him. After all, the hateful, bitter feelings I developed for him didn’t change his opinion of me. It may have “enhanced” it, but certainly didn’t change it.

The story is told that a famous general was asked his opinion about one of his subordinate officers. He was extremely complimentary about him. One of his aides immediately said, “But General, aren’t you aware of all the terrible things he has said about you?” To which, the general replied, “I wasn’t asked his opinion of me – I was asked my opinion of him.”

WOW – The conversation in which the general was involved sounds almost exactly like the one in which I was involved regarding Dennis. The general handled his much better.

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People often ask if I was always a Winning Without Intimidation -type of guy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t, and certainly regret some of the ways I handled (or mishandled) situations that proved detrimental and/or hurtful to everyone involved. If I may, I’ll share one of those with you now, as I see similar incidents happen so often today. There’s a much better solution.

One day back in college, I was in a conversation with some friends and the name of a guy we’ll call “Dennis” was brought up. I mentioned that I thought very highly of him. One of the guys, obviously surprised, pointed out how strange that was, since Dennis truly disliked me, and often voiced that opinion. Another person quickly agreed with that assessment, which I later learned was correct.

Being heavily involved in school politics, it wasn’t totally  surprising that someone would feel that way toward me, but this was different. Here’s a guy I respected, who I thought was a great guy, and now I’m being told that not only did he not feel the same way, but also was very vocal about it!

The next time I saw him, I really – let’s say – communicated my anger and disgust (even writing this now embarrasses me, and is actually painful to share). Did this change Dennis’ feelings about me? Of course not. It only gave him more justification to continue to feel the same way, if not more so. And I definitely came to think of him in a very negative light.

To this day, I don’t know what I did to have originally offended him. Maybe something.  Maybe nothing. Sometimes people don’t like someone…just because they don’t. But that’s probably not so in this case. In those days, although generally a nice guy, I could be very outspoken and (ouch) even offensive.

When I look back on it now I once again think he was a good guy. And, based on what it was about him that I respected in the first place, I probably did do something – even indirectly – to have legitimately offended him.

But that’s beside the point. The question now is, “What would have been the best way to have handled the ‘Dennis Situation’ after originally finding out about his negative feelings toward me?” And how should we handle similar situations that might present themselves today?

We’ll look at that in the next article.

Meanwhile, your thoughts and suggestions?

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How often does an argument ensue and hurt feelings result from an exchange of well-intentioned, or even neutral (i.e., information-type) words when, with a little bit of thought, clarification and definition, such misunderstandings, unhappiness and even resentment could easily be avoided?

Example: Pat tells you the party tonight begins at 7:30, “dressy-casual” and it won’t be that crowded. Good thing, especially that last part, because you don’t like crowds.

You arrive at 7:30 on the dot. Pat hasn’t arrived yet, most of the people there are dressed much more formally than you are, and there are a lot more people than you expected. When Pat finally arrives at 7:45, you voice your displeasure.

“Pat, you’re 15 minutes late and I don’t know anyone here, which makes me very uncomfortable. I feel way underdressed. I thought you said ‘dressy-casual.’ And, I would definitely call this a crowd.”

Genuinely surprised and confused, Pat responds, “What are you talking about? I meant ‘around’ 7:30. What’s the big deal? And dressy-casual means more dressy than casual – just not formal. ‘Everyone’ knows that. And you think this is a crowd?”

An exaggerated example, to be sure, but still somewhat typical, right? Both of you are correct and, then again, incorrect…that is, depending upon your viewpoints and belief systems regarding the terms, “7:30″, “dressy-casual” and “crowd.”

Both of you have different meanings for each of those three terms. You know what you mean. And, you naturally assume Pat’s concept/definition of those terms are the same as yours. The same holds true for Pat. In other words, you both believe you are “speaking the same language” but you’re not. And, neither of you knows you are not. You “don’t know that you don’t know.”

Now imagine you need to converse with someone who speaks an entirely different language  (not metaphorically such as “Mars and Venus” or “personality profiles” but, again, literally another language). How difficult it would be to get your point across! Universally recognized smiles aside, after that, you’ve still got to be able to communicate the words that will result in the appropriate understanding.

The one advantage here over the previous conversation is that AT LEAST YOU BOTH KNOW you’re not speaking the same language. You “know that you don’t know.”

When you think about it, the first conversation we looked at is actually more dangerous and fraught with more potential confusion. Why? Because we all walk around believing that we’re communicating when, in actuality, we often are not.

The solution, and the way to avoid misunderstanding, is to make sure you “define your terms.” And, make sure the other person does so as well.

Why? Two reasons: first, because when we define our terms, we have clarity – we know what we are saying. Secondly, the other person knows what we are saying. When we insist (politely, of course) that they do the same, we have extra clarity and understanding. And, so do they.

Example: “Pat, just for my own clarification, when you say it won’t be that crowded, about how many people are expected to attend?” or, “I’m just thinking, in case our concepts of dressy-casual are different, what do you see as being appropriate attire?”

(By the way, the phrases “for my own clarification” and “I’m just thinking” are known as “softeners” – polite lead-ins to your question which soften any type of perceived coarseness.)

So, make sure of two things: One, that you define your terms (what do you yourself mean by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”?) and two, know exactly what “Pat” means by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”. When you remember to do this, misunderstandings, which can result in negative feelings, will be much less likely to occur.

We’ll explore this concept further in future articles.