Thus far, in our series on gossip, we’ve covered five methods of, not only breaking our own negative habit, but helping others to do the same.

But, just because we’ve improved – perhaps dramatically – in a certain area, doesn’t mean we’re perfect. In fact, based on my own life, I can definitely say perfection is not an option.

So, if (or when) you slip up and find yourself gossiping, don’t berate yourself. It’s okay to feel a little badly about it, but don’t emotionally beat yourself up. Instead, take the following steps:

#1. Acknowledge your mistake (you’re only human, after all).

#2. Amend your mistake by apologizing both to your Creator (if this relates to your belief system), and, if possible, to the person you harmed with your words (this isn’t always possible without further hurting them so – depending upon the unique and individual situation – be careful in your decision).

#3. Decide and be determined not to do it again.

#4. Rinse and (DON’T) repeat. The next time a similar situation comes up where you have a chance to gossip and you don’t do it, you’ll know you’ve taken a huge step. Congratulations!

And, if instead, you mess up again? Repeat the above four-steps. You’ll get the hang of it…and you’ll be healthier and happier as a result.

Of course, you can always review the past three articles whenever you feel you need a refresher in overcoming the gossip habit.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Speech is power.” It is. It truly is. And, like every other principle of life, it can be used for good or for evil, to help or to harm, as a blessing or as a curse. It is up to you and me; all of us, to use that power in a way that benefits and builds instead of denigrates and destroys.

I’d love to hear your personal stories regarding anything we’ve discussed in this series. Of course, don’t mention names, other than yours. And, if it would help for you to remain anonymous, that’s fine, too.

While this series now ends, we’ll be back with more on this topic down the road.

In Parts One and Two we explored the first four steps to overcoming the Gossip Habit. They include Awareness, Decision, Avoidance and Action. Now, let’s actually turn a potentially negative situation into something good.

#5 Play the “Reverse Gossip” Game

This is where, when someone says something negative about someone, you relate a good point or characteristic of theirs, instead. Pat says, “Tom is really lazy.” You respond, “I’ve never noticed that. Sure has a good way with people, doesn’t he?” Caution: Be very tactful. Appearing antagonistic will only lead to argument and more negative talk.

Taking this to another level, if two people constantly express their mutual dislike in the form of gossip,  say something complimentary to each one about the other, get them to agree, and then share that. Ahhh, “Reverse Gossip” at its best. You might just make peace between them, which is one of the most righteous deeds a human being can perform.

Here’s how it might play out…

John: Mary is really lazy.

You: I’ve never noticed that.  She is talented, wouldn’t you agree?

John (Grudgingly): Yes, I guess so.

Later you see Mary in the coffee area and the conversation goes as follows…

You: I was talking with John earlier. He was saying you are very talented (after all, he did agree to that, didn’t he?).

Mary: Wow! I didn’t know he thought that of me. I’ve always felt he was very judgmental and snobby.

You: Hmm, never picked up on that. Really hard worker, isn’t he?

Mary: Well, I guess you have to give him credit for that.

The next day you and John are talking and you happen to mention…

You: Mary was talking about how hard a worker you are.

John: Really? Didn’t think she liked me, but maybe she’s not so bad after all.

Now, the next time John and Mary cross paths they both see each other in an entirely different light, with a completely different attitude and set of expectations – one of peace, enjoyment, and kindness. And it all happened because of you.

So far, great. Not only have we licked our own gossip habit; we’re helping others with theirs, as well. But, what happens when you fall back into old ways? It’s certainly happened to me.  We’ll look at that in the next installment.

In Part One we defined Gossip as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”

In discussing the five steps necessary to break this destructive habit, we saw that Step #1 was to be aware that you have this problem, and Step #2 was to make the decision to overcome it. Let’s continue.

#3 Build a Fence, or, “Don’t Bring Home The Oreo’s”

In Other words, as much as you are able to, keep away from situations that usually lead to gossip. In the same way that a fence will hopefully keep an unwelcome neighbor from entering your property, or not keeping Oreo cookies in your home will keep you from indulging in an 11:00 junkfood snack, avoiding “gossip-laden” situations will help you to resist that particular temptation.

#4 As David Bowie Sang, “Ch-Ch-Ch-Change” (the subject, that is)

Whether talking to an individual or to a group, if you sense gossip about to be spoken (or it just has been), quickly – yet smoothly and tactfully – change the subject. Don’t insult, put down or embarrass the person who’s talking; just simply change the direction. How to think of something on the spot to change it to? That’s where preparation comes into play.

Have, in your mind, several topics, recent events, or other happenings (non-gossipy, of course) into which you can easily segue. If this fails to stop the gossip, simply politely excuse yourself and exit stage left (or right). If they ask why you are leaving. you can either suggest (kindly) that talking about others makes you feel uncomfortable, or you can simply say you need to leave. You are telling the truth; you DO need to leave…in order to avoid listening to gossip.

In the next article, we’ll look at the fifth and final step; this one actually “reversing” the process…in a good way.

Let’s define Gossip as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”

Of course, there are those rare instances where negative information is necessary to communicate but that would not be gossip. And, even that comes with very strict rules and guidelines. (We’ll discuss that in a future article.)

Gossip, as defined above, ruins lives, destroys reputations, splits families, alienates friends and co-workers, and generally infects any type of organization where it is introduced.

With the above definition in mind, it can legitimately be said that there is nothing positive about gossip

Gossip hurts everyone. Everyone!

So, how to we break our own habit of gossiping, as well as discourage others from doing so in a kind, tactful  way. The following five steps will help.

#1 Be Aware:

Like any habit, problem, or sickness, we must first be aware we have it before we can make a decision to rid it from our lives. I was, for many years, very much a gossip. I unintentionally hurt a lot of people; most of all, myself (though I feel worse about the others since I deserved the hurt).

One day about 15 years ago, while reading a book  that had a section on that topic, it suddenly hit me “right between the eyes” that what I was reading about was me. While this discovery was very upsetting, it was the epiphany I needed and turned out to be the beginning of a huge change in my life, and level of happiness.

#2 Make a Decision

Yes, at that point, I made a conscious decision to end that very destructive habit, no matter what it took. If this is you, you can do the same. Decide right now that, despite the fact that it’s become a comfortable and familiar part of your life, you are going to stop it, right now!

If you feel that it’s impossible to go “cold turkey” then take it step-by-step. Decide to speak 10 percent less gossip per day for the next week, then another 10 percent, then another, and so on. Or, don’t gossip about certain things that you usually do. Begin by cutting out altogether, or cutting down significantly, all gossip around the office. Then, about friends or family.

We’ll pick this back up in the next article. Meanwhile, is this something you can relate to? Do you know of someone else it relates to? If so, don’t share it. That would be gossip. Hopefully, however, the information we’re covering will help you to be able to eventually help them.

There’s no logical reason why this particular post should be so difficult for me to write. After all, I’m simply announcing something that brings me great joy; the official release of my awesome coauthor, John David Mann’s and my new book, Go-Givers Sell More.

The difficulty has nothing to do with announcing the release. Rather, it’s in trying to adequately express my appreciation to all of you who – knowing our goal is for the book to debut on the major bestsellers lists – have amazingly taken it upon yourselves to promote it to those in your spheres of influence and constantly cheer us on with your encouragement.

Yes, the numbers have been great thus far. As of this post, the book is ranked #140 overall (#7 in Professional, #27 in Business) on Amazon.com and even higher (#101) on Barnes&Noble.com.

Will it hit number One on either? Will it hit the major bestseller lists next week; our chief short-term goal? Who knows? We’re certainly giving it our best.

But that’s just part of the story.

Yes, the team behind this launch, including our amazing publisher, Penguin/Portfolio with Adrienne Schultz, Maureen Cole, Brooke Carey, Nick Owen are phenomenal.

Our book-marketing mastermind, Thom Scott has certainly engineered still another amazing book launch. And, Kathy Zader has jumped through the hoops of technology to get everything working properly.

But, it’s YOU we ALL thank. Because it’s you, our partners on Team Go-Giver who are making this campaign and launch what it is. Your friendship, support, sharing and encouragement have been the “X” Factor. And, we know that; we thank you for it.

Thus, my big problem here is simply:

How do I adequately express  just how grateful I am to you?

I can’t.  So, let me simply say “Thank you”…and ask you to please multiply that as much as you can possibly imagine. It still won’t cover the extent of my gratitude, but it will be a good start.

I’ll never forget – as a young television reporter in 1982 for ABC affiliate KTEN TV in Ada, Oklahoma – first hearing about the Tylenol Murders. Somehow, numerous bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol had been poisoned. At first, the scare (understandably) caused a nosedive in sales. However, the expert, amazingly-transparent manner in which it was handled by Johnson & Johnson leadership not only stopped the sales hemorrhage, but actually resulted in in the company’s consumer trust level going sky high, which has continued to this day.

Unfortunately, not all companies – even those with a proven track record of quality – handle every situation so well.

My great friend, Libby Gill, former Branding Brain for the Dr. Phil Show and author of three excellent books, shares with us her thoughts about one company that fell short of the mark:

———-

“As former PR chief and spokesperson for Sony, Universal and Turner Broadcasting, I did my fair share of spin doctoring and damage control with the press. So I’ve been watching Toyota’s media circus regarding the “sudden acceleration” in the Camry, Prius and Lexus like a hawk.

“Now that Toyota’s CEO has issued a public apology, it looks like they’re on the way to digging out of the negative press.  They’re a good company with a strong track record, so I have no doubt they’ll eventually recover.  But they made a critical error that could have been avoided.  And it’s one that you should avoid at all costs.

“Instead of being proactive, Toyota was reactive.  They waited until the pressure was on – and 19 people had died – before they acknowledged their responsibility.  As the PR pro’s would say, they failed to get in front of the story.  Instead, they responded because they had to, not because they cared about their customers.  At least that’s the way it looks.

“The lesson for all of us, entrepreneurs and executives alike, is that it’s not just how you deal with a problem, but when you deal with it that counts.  If you make a mistake, you’ve got to step up, be accountable and fix it immediately.   In fact, it’s the immediacy with which you take corrective action that creates the perception of caring in the minds of your customers.

“Wanna know how your customers and clients perceive you?  Just click here and check out the Cool Tools section. You’ll find a great exercise to help you See Yourself as Others See You.”

———-

Libby Gill is an executive coach, international speaker and author of the bestselling You Unstuck: Mastering the New Rules of Risk-taking in Work and Life.  You can learn more about her and even join her coaching community.

In Part One, we met Michael J. Maher, a titan in the field of real estate sales. A hugely successful producer and leader, we saw that one of his major character traits was his  “other-focus.” His business card told the story:  “We’re not #1…YOU are.®”

But lest we think that is an anomaly, I assure you it is not. The fact is, most genuinely great leaders and top producers are very much like that. And, while they might be few and far between (after all, they are in that 1-5 percent), they’re also not hard to find. Other-Focused superstars in the business world are the rule. Are there exceptions to that rule? Certainly there are. But, that’s life; it has its exceptions. What we want to focus on is the general rule.

Which, brings up a question, “Could that genuine caring and focus on others really be the key determining factor between the average/good…and those at the very top?

Let’s look at the three Key areas where most would think the difference lay.

1. Belief in product/service, mission: That would seem to be the key, wouldn’t it? But, it isn’t. Many average and decent producers believe in what they are selling just as much as those at the top. Belief is important. It’s just not the determining factor.

2. Product Knowledge: Don’t the superstars know their products inside and out? Yes, they do. And, so do many of the average and good players. Again, important? Very! Just not that which makes the difference.

3. Sales Skills: Ahh, the mega salespeople absolutely study sales. They know the skills, methods, techniques, and everything in that genre, right? Right. And, you know what? So do many of the average and good sales people. Some even more-so than their counterparts who set sales records. Important? Yep. Determining factor? Nope.

Please don’t misunderstand; proficiency – extreme proficiency in all three of the above areas; belief, product knowledge and sales skills is extremely vital.

However, they’re merely the baseline. Like the baseball player who can hit, run and field, those are needed just to be invited into the game.

The difference; the x-factor; that which separates the top pros from the rest of the field is the focus. They are totally and wholeheartedly interested in and focused on the other person, and that person’s needs, wants and desires.

When it comes right down to it, the sales (and leadership) superstar understands this basic rule of sales:

“It isn’t about you; it’s about them.” Or, as Michael J. Maher summed it up so perfectly, “We’re not #1…YOU are.®”

———-

John David Mann’s and my new book, Go-Givers Sell More is available by clicking here. Order this week and receive several really cool bonuses. And, please pass along the link to anyone you feel might find it to be of value.

It was an honor to have coffee the other day (at Dunkin’ Donuts, of course) with a legend in the real estate profession.

I’d heard of Michael J. Maher but knew little about him. We had some mutual friends from Kansas City, which is where he lives.  Due to an intense work week in preparation of the release of John David Mann’s and my newest book, I wasn’t even able to make the 30 minute drive three towns up the road from me where he was speaking at a charity fundraising event. I felt terrible about that but knew I couldn’t be away for that long.

He found himself a car and drove down to meet me, after being stood up by the original person who had promised to drive him down.

Humble as can be, he was absolutely more interested in knowing about me and my work than he was in telling me about his. He asked genuinely inquisitive questions, and kindly shared his philosophy about business, those he works with, and the customers and clients he serves.

I found out from other people I spoke with afterward that he is one of real estate’s heavy hitters, a mega-producer who received over 500 referrals last year and accounted for 216 transactions!

This is in real estate, mind you; not exactly a booming industry these days. And all but three of those sales came by the traditional methods, no shortcuts.

I then heard an interview he did with my friend, Jim Sahnger. Easy to see why he’s so exceptional at what he does.

His business card has one statement on it that captures him and – as far as I’ve ever been able to tell – is the single biggest trait or characteristic that sets people like Michael apart from the rest of the pack. It said:

We’re not #1…YOU are. ®

In Part Two, we’ll dig a bit deeper into this one key factor and look at a few others that would seem to be more significant than they actually are.

In Part One we discussed the fact that often what most throws us off-balance in terms of a verbal attack is its suddenness; the surprise factor. If we’re not expecting it and not prepared, it can cause us to either lash back (react) or submissively take it without any type of response at all. Neither of those are productive.

A solution to this, then, is to practice and prepare. Visualize what something like this might look like and see yourself calmly responding in a way that disarms the person and the situation, and serves everyone involved, ensuring both parties come out a winner.

Now, let’s look at some language we can use within the response. I can tell you both from firsthand experience and the many people who’ve learned this from studying my “Winning Without Intimidation” audio series…this works!

A customer/friend/co-worker family member, whomever is in a bad mood and approaches you in an angry, challenging manner. They unleash a small verbal assault.  What do you do?

First, again, you respond by maintaining control of yourself and your emotions. Remain calm, take a deep breath and hear them out. Display interest in what they are saying, but show no emotion. When they finally pause, simply use these words:

“I…might possibly owe you an apology. I don’t know. Did I say or do something to offend you?”

There will now be several very long seconds of silence, as they realize the inappropriateness of their actions. More than likely they’ll answer, “No, I’m sorry, I’m just in a bad mood (or had a bad day, etc.).  I’m really sorry.”

Now you can let them know, “I understand. I’ve had those myself. Is there anything I can do to help?”

WOW – another case of taking that lemon, turning it into sweet lemonade and, without question, taking a potential enemy and turning them into a friend.

That’s strength!

You’re verbally assaulted, either by someone you know, or even the complaining customer you just met. And, you don’t handle it well; either shouting right back or simply taking it; only afterward realizing just the right response.

Yes, even while beginning to master the art of positive persuasion, we can still be “thrown off” when verbally attacked. The reason is simply the surprise itself. Let’s look at how to prepare for these attacks so the surprise factor will not be able to get the best of you. Then we’ll check out some specific language you can use to effectively diffuse the situation and bring it under control, and have  your antagonizer virtually eating out of your hands.

Brian from New Jersey writes, “I find I can be in a disagreement with someone and really use your methods to mutual advantage. That’s not the issue. My problem is when I’m verbally attacked right from the beginning. Someone comes at me and starts yelling at me, and I just react and blow my top. Then, of course, it goes downhill from there. Any advice?”

———-

Brian, the greatest thing about your question, and what I appreciate most about it, is your recognizing this as a challenge. Excellent first step. I’ve been there and can relate. Please know that once you master yourself in this area, you’ll be much more effective and productive, both for yourself and for others. There’ll be no stopping you!

Near the end of your question you said you “react” and blow your top. That’s right. Reacting will do that, which is why it’s much more productive to train yourself to “respond” instead.

So, how do you effectively handle a verbal attack, diffuse it, and turn the situation 180 degrees?

Two suggestions: First is to mentally rehearse a situation in which someone verbally attacks you. See yourself, in your mind’s eye, responding with calmness and serenity, completely in control of your own emotions and thus, in control of the situation. If you can do it in your mind, you can do it in a real-life situation.

Just as an astronaut training for a mission goes through numerous simulations before ever actually going into space, you’ll find rehearsing in your mind before the event ever takes place puts  you nine steps ahead of the game…in a ten-step game.

In the next article, we’ll see one example of how this mental rehearsal, plus the right words and attitude, can absolutely turn your attacker into your advocate.