Like many of the good things in life, “Thoughtfulness” (thoughtful…i.e, thought full) is not only a nice way to be, it will also come in handy as one of your most effective people skills.
Thoughtfulness is a simple enough concept; yet not always easy to apply. Once mastered, however, it is the greatest gift you can give; and not just to friends and loved ones on special occasions and holidays…but to everyone, ALWAYS. And, as you become consistently thoughtful of and to others, you’ll find that most will go out their way to please you, as well.
Thoughtfulness – authentic, genuine, caring thoughtfulness – is a habit; internalized, it becomes a way of life, a part of our being. But it does take practice.
Where do we start? In our daily lives. Good practice exercises make themselves available constantly throughout the day. Do this consciously for as long as it takes to become a part of your being. It won’t take very long (according to the expert you study, either 21 days or 30). 🙂
Thoughtful people don’t wait, they “create” opportunities to make life brighter and more enjoyable for those around them.
But, how? Simple things. Holding the door open for anyone near you, regardless of gender or appearance. Soon, it’s automatic, and even comes with a smile (and a smile back in return).
When a baby in a restaurant is making a bit more noise than is comfortable, and you see the parent looking embarrassed, smile and comment on how cute the baby is.
A thoughtful person is always quick to pay a sincere* compliment (especially to those who don’t often receive them), realizing the value it sometimes has beyond the obvious!
{*Shh, don’t tell anyone but, sometimes, in order to help someone to feel good about themselves and provide them a foundation for such, it’s even okay for the compliment to not be totally 100 percent genuine.} 🙂
As you are about to pour your coffee at the local convenience store, and spot the next customer in line waiting for you to finish, offer to pour the coffee into their cup first. He or she will be amazed (believe me!) and delighted. They’ll have learned something as well, and possibly do the same for another person tomorrow.
A thoughtful person parks a bit further from the entrance to the store or the post office, leaving closer spaces for those not as nimble, not covered by handicap status, or really in a hurry.
You might ask, “Why should I do that? Nobody will know why I’m doing this.”
Two reasons: Number one, it’s simply the right thing to do, which makes you feel better about yourself, which in turn enhances self-esteem.
Number two, as touched on earlier, by repeating thoughtful acts, they become habitual. Then, when it really counts, you’ll already be doing them naturally. Not only will you make the world a kinder place in which to live, but because of the precedent you’ve set with people, they’ll go out of their way to make you happy, as well.
Amazing how it works. Again, try it until it becomes natural. I guarantee you’ll see a delightful – and dramatic – difference in your relationship with the world.
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Bob,
Another great post.This type of “living out love” is extremely important in life, and it is amazing that it is the most mutually beneficial activity we can participate in life. I have never shown kindness to someone, and felt worse for doing so – even when it is unknown or unappreciated. Moreover, there have been many times when I have been having a difficult day, but because of the habbit of serving others, and that it has become a “default” I will find myselt doing these types of things and beginning to feel better as a result.
Having said all of this, I would like to add that even the purest in heart will still have a small “what is in it for me” inside of them – and for years I quarrelled with myself over that burden, and held back acts of kindness because I sensed my inward alteenative motive.I have now learned that those who you show kindness to are not looking for that in you and you will brighten their day, which will work to diminish the strength of selfishness, one act of kindness at a time! (From Blackberry – please excuse mistakes)
Steve Boyett
Great post Bob, and if I could add a new dimension on this idea (from the female perspective) …
Gentlemen: When a woman says she wants “romance”, what she really wants, is thoughtfulness. Roses and candles may be nice…but surprise a girl with a coffee when she really needs one, or pick up her favourite magazine when you are out, or stop and pick up her favourite chocolate … now THAT’s romance. Then (woo then)… watch the sparks fly!
Yes Bob thoughtfulness really is a gift you give yourself : ) And Steve, it’s OK that you know goodness is coming back to you when you give.
I know this wasn’t the intent of your article Bob… just consider this bonus material, LOL
p.s. ladies, make sure you are doing this for your loved one also. It’s a two-way street.
Thanks Bob for another great post.
I think spreading thoughtfulness is very important now, when so many people are struggling, and the media bombard us constantly with doom and gloom. (I have stopped reading newspapers and watching the news to avoid all the darkness they are pushing.) Anything that adds a little brightness to someone’s day is a grand thing to do.
And, Steve, one of my favorite sayings is “Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.” (I think it was attributed to Confucius, the first time I encountered it.) But, you don’t have to start from perfection. Daily random acts of kindness soon become a habit, and eventually happen without thinking about them; they become a part of who you are.
Hi Steve, Deborah and Edward, WOW, thank you all for sharing your wisdom and your unique viewpoints on the subject. Much appreciated!!
Hey Bob Burg
I so appreciate you and find myself parking and thinking “Bob would say park further away!” and I do!
Regarding a false compliment to make someone feel better – I HATE receiving them. They feel slimey to make me feel better. Excuse the expression, but for me it feels like sugar coated shit. I still feel bad, now just sticky! Then I can feel the lie – and I wonder where and how else the person is lying to me. What else would they fake to make me feel better rather than be true? The stickiness is that I’m now left with the confusion of that lie, and wondering if its genuine or put on to make me feel good – and I feel worse. Like I’ve been betrayed, because they don’t feel like I’m a good enough friend to be truly real with. I’d rather have honesty – even if it hurts… Then the fabric of trust that glues the relationship together is strengthened through trials, rather than flasely connected with stickiness which leaves me with a Yuck. Feeling bad for me isn’t a bad thing – it’s there for a reason to help me grow. I love people gifting me with the strength and vision to overcome myself – then I feel good for ME, and proud of myself. So I have an inner confidence, and feel strengthened by the succcess and accomplishment.
When someone’s feeling awful I prefer empowering them with authenticity and belief. Like “I now this is hell now babe, and you have the talent, skills and amazing depth to overcome this. It will fashion your soul and carve more nuances into your gifts for you can contribute more to the world. You have the inner resources to achieve – you can do it.”
And I could be wrong – what’s your perspective on this? Howz it worked for you, has it backfired, what’s your premise behind it?
Hi Natalie,
My premise is that there is a person, time and a place for everything. I believe you interpreted it in a way that highlighted one area where it would be the wrong person, the wrong time, and the wrong place. I was thinking of something a lot more “surface.” Recently a person I know who frequents my local Dunkin’ Donuts came in with his young son. The boy had a frown on his face and I said to him (as though I meant it), “WOW, looks like you’re having a GREAT day. And I looked at his father and, intending for the boy to hear said (as though I meant it), “what a happy kid!”
You should have seen the little boy’s face light right up and his entire attitude change. Was my compliment genuine? Not at all, my friend; not at all. And, you know what? I believe that was okay because it set a totally new frame for the boy. And, his father looked at me with gratitude.
So, while “honesty is indeed the best policy” 99.9 percent of the time, let’s not be a servant to it. Should I have just minded my own business and not said anything at all? Possibly, but I don’t think so. I had an opportunity to make a positive different in someone’s life and I took it. Should I have been “totally honest” and said, “Wow, kid, that’s a frown that should keep you down for a long time.”? I don’t believe so. I said something that at the moment was a bit untruthful but with a definite goal in mind for something positive.
And, please keep in mind; as human beings we interpret things according to our own belief systems and emotional *reactions* to them. I don’t know if I touched on something that for you has been a personal issue or not, but that’s not how it was intended. I was just making an “aside” point. One thing I try and do when I read something that might not quite fit within my belief system is to – instead of going into a default mode of what I hate about it – try and ask myself, “how could the writer mean that in a way different than what I am thinking.”
Thank you again for writing.
I so appreciate this bit of wisdom! I am a former principal of a K-8 school and still help out with discussion and writing pompts for the whole school and I plan to pass this along to the teachers as they teach the next “word of the month” which is thoughtfulness. Thank you so much! It was so inspiring!
Diane, thank you for your very kind compliment about the post. And, what an honor for me to know that this could make its way into the teaching process in a school. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Believe me it will and to a school of over 650 students. It was thougthful of you to respond!
Hi Bob,
It’s all about energy. When I elicit a smile from someone, I’m the person who see’s it. Then my energy goes up, as well. This in turn makes me feel better and I can actually do more and better at anything. Ultimately, this provides the infrastructure for enhanced awareness based on greater self esteem, which is the critical element for being able to notice whatever or whoever it is in the surroundings that some thoughtfulness could benefit.
The extent to which we interact effectively with the environment depends entirely on our ability to perceive it in a non-biased way. It begins with the conscious decision to take notice and contribute positively to the energy around.
Thanks for the opportunity to verbalize that, Bob.