Often, what we ask is not nearly as important as the way we ask. Ask the customer service rep if they’ll take back the widget you bought without the receipt you lost, and you’ll probably hear, “It’s against our policy.”

Ask, however, that “Understanding it’s against normal policy to return an item without the receipt, which I (said with a genuinely humble smile) somehow managed to lose, what’s the best way to go about doing this?” and you’ll most likely have that person on your side and seeking a solution, perhaps asking his or her supervisor for help.

The key is the frame you consciously set.

Reminds me of a clever “joke with a lesson” I heard several years ago:

Steve and Marty are talking, and Steve wonders whether it is okay to smoke while praying. Marty replies, “Why don’t you ask Clergy Smith?”

So Steve approaches his clergyman and asks, “May I smoke while praying?”

Clergyman Smith replies, “No, you absolutely may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Steve goes back to his friend and repeats the answer.

Marty says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so, Marty approaches his spiritual leader and asks, “May I pray while smoking?”

To which the clergyman eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. You may pray anytime!”

Now, first, for the politically correct amongst us, no, I’m not endorsing smoking, either while praying or anytime else. However, the example illustrates the power of asking a question within a context or frame that is more likely to get you the result you want.

Do you think it would more effective to tell your team they “have to” follow a new procedure…or that they “get to” follow a new procedure that will make the system more effective?

Children are often excellent natural frame-masters. Johnny asks his dad if he can stay out an extra hour later tonight. Dad says, “Ask your mother.” (Hmm, Johnny’s dad and mine sound very similar.) Johnny says to Mom, “Mom, I asked Dad if I can stay out an extra hour later tonight; he just wants your ‘okay’ first.”

Isn’t that a much more effective frame than simply asking, “Is it alright if I stay out an extra hour later tonight?”

In L. Michael Hall’s excellent book, Frame Games he tells us that “It’s all in the frame.” Wow, is he ever right! Especially when it comes to framing requests for persuasion success.

In Part One, we saw that – if you’re “doing it right” – you don’t give to get; you give to give. When you operate from a true spirit of providing value to others, good things happen. And, for good reason. Let’s look at just one result. And, unlike the little disclaimers on the “Get Rich Quick” infomercials, these kinds of results are indeed very typical!

In their excellent book, Trust Agents: Using the Web to Build Influence, Improve Reputation, and Earn Trust, super blogger Chris Brogan and Julien Smith share a situation where Chris, in Las Vegas for a blogging conference, met Jessica Berlin, the social media person for a huge local production. Her purpose for attending the event was to learn how this information could help her be more productive with her work.

The conversation was pleasant and Chris and the gang provided her with good, helpful information. She also impressed them as being friendly, authentic, and, to use a term the two coauthors feature throughout the book, “One of us.”

Later that night, while leaving a conference party that was too noisy and crowded for his taste, Chris happened to see her and, offhandedly asked for suggestions she might have where he could go to escape the crowds.

Without giving it a second thought, Jennifer made a phone call resulting in VIP treatment for over 100 attendees at the hotel where she worked. All this, the result of a “previous exchange of value between {the two} earlier in the day.”

I’ll let Chris and Julien take it from here:

“Neither Berlin nor Chris were actively seeking benefits from any of these interactions. That’s the point. This is what evolves naturally. If you act like a good citizen, and you feel like One of Us, the benefits arise without much thought. It’s not the negative interaction of quid pro quo, but instead the positive concept of ‘good things happen to good people.’”

Beautifully said. When people give to give, simply because it’s who they are (and, because it’s who they are, it’s what they do), and only for the sake of providing value to others, that’s when good things happen to good people, with good people and between good people.

Have you found that to be true for you? Please share with us your experiences.

When suggesting that shifting one’s focus from getting to giving is not only a nice way to live life and conduct business but a financially profitable way, as well, my The Go-Giver coauthor,  John David Mann and I are often asked if that simply means we believe in “giving to get.”

Our answer is, not at all! You give to give; you give because you truly enjoy adding value to other people’s lives. In fact, to slightly paraphrase Ernesto, one of the characters in the book, “You give because you love to.  It’s not a strategy, it’s a way of life.”

He added, “And when you do, then very, very profitable things begin to happen.”

But, lest one think this is due to some esoteric, other-worldly reason, the reason is actually quite logical. When you give of yourself – truly give of yourself for the sake of providing value to another human being, they appreciate it. Do they all? No, but the vast majority do. And, the chances are good that, should they have the opportunity to add value to your life, they probably will.

No, you are not “emotionally attached” to this happening. And, if it never happens with that person, that’s fine, as well. But, it often does. And those who live their lives this way understand this as a fact of life, not a fairy tale that sounds good but doesn’t happen in the “real world.”

In Part Two, we’ll see an example of this from a great book I finally had the opportunity to read that demonstrates exactly how and why it works.

Meanwhile, make it a terrific day!

When involved in a difficult situation with someone where you either feel you’ve been wronged, or simply want to make a persuasive point, what’s the best way to go about it? 

Is there a way to phrase your message that will make them less defensive and more prone to understanding and accepting your viewpoint? There sure is, and it’s one of the most powerful and honorable methods I know for dealing effectively with others.

It’s called the “I Message.” (Not to be confused with being “I-Oriented” or “I-Focused.”)

In this article, we’ll look at the difference between the “I Message” and the “You Message” and how and why it works so well.

The “I Message,” first brought to my attention in the book, Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon is actually extremely effective when resolving a conflict with anyone and in practically any situation you might encounter.

The premise is that when challenged, most people will emotionally recoil and not be open to problem resolution. For example, pretend (since I know this would never actually happen) :-) your spouse or significant other has not been speaking to you lately with what you might consider the proper amount of respect and consideration.

A “You Message” might be, “You’re being rude” or “You’re not being nice” or “You’re making me feel badly.”

Note that each sentence began with the word, “You” (as in, “You are at fault.”) Typically, in this case, your “other” will be more concerned with “defending their position” rather than seeking a positive, win/win solution.

Instead, we can temporarily put the “burden” of the challenge upon ourselves, thus disarming, and bringing out the best in them. For example, “It might just be the way I’m interpreting it, but I feel as though I’m not being spoken to as nicely as usual. I’m upset by this.”

Note how many times a word containing “I” is in that message.

What you’ve done is to help make him or her part of the solution, while also letting them know that their behavior is certainly not acceptable, and that it needs to be adjusted. This works beautifully.

Hint: Don’t fear this being “detected as a technique” by your other. Instead, openly discuss it while things are good. For instance, you might explain that you find yourself blaming when in a disagreement, and that you’d like to try something called the “I Message.” Request that next time you are having a disagreement, you’d appreciate their letting you know if you’re speaking with a “You Message” so that you can correct yourself.

Perhaps your other will be interested in having you do the same for him/her. And, if they’re not right away, that’s okay. Be patient. Habits and expectations don’t necessarily change overnight. Of course, you can only set this up in advance in certain contexts, such as with family, friends, and others with whom you have ongoing business or personal relationships.

Suggestion: Teach the “I Message” to your children, friends and team members.

As with anything, please don’t be discouraged if the first couple of times you try the “I Message” the results aren’t “exactly” what you want (although they may just be). Naturally, practice is involved. I’m telling you, though, this works, it’s worth mastering and is actually both simple and easy to accomplish! 

And, it works whether dealing with your parents, children, boss, a client, the difficult customer service rep, your nasty neighbor, the banker who won’t let you cash an out of town check (“I’m a bit confused, since I’ve been a loyal customer here for so long. Is there something I’ve said or done to appear to be less than willing to back up a check?”) or practically anyone else.

The “I Message” has been around for quite a while now. Have you used it? And, if so, how has it worked for you?

In the last “Book Suggestion” we looked at the myth of natural, or inborn talent. This book is another great read. And, it’s lessons on leadership were not only inspiring but came from an angle I would never have expected; wisdom from an orchestra conductor. Its title is…

MAESTRO: A Surprising Story About Leading By Listening by Roger Nierenberg.

Okay, a disclaimer: I’ve been to just one classical concert in my entire life. I was in my mid-20s and trying to impress a woman I’d just met who asked if I enjoyed this type of music.

“Who doesn’t?” I replied, not exactly fibbing, as it was, after all, a legitimate question. I was simply asking who doesn’t? I think I blew my cover during the program, however, when I asked if the vendors came into the crowd to sell hot dogs or if I had to wait till the inning was over and go to the concession stand. LOL

On the other hand, I’m proud to say that my Go-Giver coauthor, John David Mann is a former concert cellist and composer, and his Dad was a renowned musicologist and maestro himself, conducting some of the most famous choirs in the world.

This book was amazing. It’s a parable and – like many of them – a fun read utilizing a story to teach a bigger life lesson. And, this lesson is the power of leading by listening; truly understanding people and what motivates them to work as one cohesive, happy and productive unit.

It was an honor to be sent the manuscript and, as part of my endorsement, wrote;

“I was absolutely captivated. The maestro will become your mentor, your teacher, and your friend.”

And, there’s a good chance that, after reading it, that is how you will feel, as well.

The author, Mr. Nierenberg, an internationally-acclaimed conductor, is creator of “The Music Paradigm” which uses the symphony orchestra as a metaphor for organizations undergoing significant change.  

A couple of lessons directly from the story:

“A maestro (leader) doesn’t micromanage and demand mindless obedience, but rather communicates a larger vision, inviting people to draw upon the full range of their talents.”

“He or she enables people to feel ownership of the whole piece, not just their individual parts.”

I personally felt the way he illustrated this in the story was brilliant almost beyond comprehension. It also made me feel as though I understood the inner-workings of a symphony orchestra.

“He or she ‘leads by listening’ bringing about one’s full potential as opposed to causing defensiveness and holding back.”

From the back cover:

As the conductor says, “Eventually I realized that a great performance would happen only when the motivation sprang as much from them as from me. I learned to see my job as simply creating an environment where that could happen. Once I learned to engage their artistry, everything felt so much easier.”

Are you a leader, or do you plan to become one? If so, this book is for you.

Bravo, Maestro…Bravo!

Oh, and I’ll have two with mustard, please.