Over the first three parts, we’ve focused on our responsibility for ensuring that what we intend to communicate is understood by the other person. Yesterday, we discussed Heather’s excellent point that – still – when it comes right down to it, people will interpret according to their own belief systems. Most of the time, this is unconscious. This makes it no less true. It’s simply one of those “Laws of Life.”

Of course, you and I fall victim to this very same Law. We tend to interpret through our belief systems. Ours are also firmly in place and just as vulnerable to misinterpretation as that of others.

Sometimes, we take things out of context. Other times, we misunderstand one’s entire point completely. And, still other times, because we attach a certain meaning to one word based on our own past experiences, we see the person as meaning something totally different than what they intended.

Has anyone ever done any of those to you, unintentional as it was? I think it happens to all of us from time to time. It can be frustrating, can’t it? It’s also an excellent reminder for us to stay conscious of not doing the same to others.

Main point: We all (I, more than anyone) need to stay consciously aware of our very human tendency to filter the words of others through our own mental software. Being aware gives us a fighting chance to overcome it. We can then take steps to gain better understanding.

For example, reversing yesterday’s suggestion, we can paraphrase back to them what we believe they meant and ask questions – again, when context and situation is appropriate – to determine if we understood them correctly.

Accept responsibility for being understood. Accept responsibility for understanding. It doesn’t always work out the way we’d like it, but it’s a goal to constantly shoot for.

If I may, I’d like to summarize this series with the following two points, followed by an additional thought: If our goal is to become the best and most effective communicator we can be,  it is up to us to – as best as possible … 

1. Ensure that when we are speaking/writing, we take responsibility for making sure our point is communicated clearly and that the other person understands us.
2. Ensure that when we are listening/reading, we take responsibility for making sure we understand the intent of the other person.

Additional thought (and this will greatly increase likeability as well as understanding): as the listener/reader, if you find that your immediate reaction is to disagree with the person, then, before verbalizing it or writing, first ask yourself, “what else could he/she have meant in this context? Am I seeing it as they probably meant it or am I seeing it subjectively? Am I listening with an ‘ear toward understanding’ or an ear toward disagreeing?”

Staying conscious of the above two points (and the additional thought) won’t make any of us perfect communicators. It will make us much, much more effective and persuasive communicators.

In Part Two, we saw that one aspect of taking responsibility for effective communication was the realization that most people – in not focusing on understanding what you or I meant to say – will simply interpret our words based on their own belief systems. And, that despite this, it’s still up to us to be sure the correct message gets across. I quoted a mentor who told me, “Burg, when the shooter misses the target, it’s not the target’s fault.”

True. However, reader and good friend Heather O’Sullivan brings up an excellent point when she asks:

“I am big on taking responsibility, but we cannot

control the mindset of the listener, can we?”

Heather is absolutely right. It is also their responsibility to listen with an eye (well, I guess that would be an ear) toward understanding. Yet, they often won’t. However, before leaving it at that, let’s see what more we can do. I suggest that, if we want to put the odds that we’ll be correctly understood ever more in our favor, then we need to go even a step further.

One very effective idea is to, tactfully and kindly, clarify intent (lest coming across as either patronizing or overbearing – neither of which results in better comprehension).  This can be accomplished by asking a question or two that ensures he or she understood your words as you intended them.

Depending upon the situation, this is not always easy, convenient or realistic. So, when it comes right down to it, we do the best we can within the context provided. Do this consistently and you’ll “hit the target” much more often than otherwise.

And, summing up Heather’s terrific point, when it comes right down to it, we still cannot control what they are going to consciously or unconsciously choose to hear. As another of my early mentors, Bill Gove used to say, “you are responsible to people – not for people.

But, there is one more part of this equation which is just important as what we have been discussing over the last few days. And we’ll look at that in the next article.

In Part One we saw that it’s important to take responsibility for things like making sure that the coffee you are pouring actually makes it into your cup as opposed to on your hand. And, we began to look at how the same holds true with conversation.

I’m thinking back to an online chatroom discussion regarding a controversial political issue in which I participated about six or seven months ago. Though I don’t participate in many online discussion groups anymore, in this one I learned an important lesson.

I made one particular point, the meaning of which was mistaken by one of the other participants. His reply to me, and not made in a very kind, tactful manner, brought agreement from several of the other participants. I then wrote an explanation, but could tell it was not readily accepted, as the damage had already been done.

I came away from the chat angry at them for not understanding what I originally said, which to me, was absolutely obvious. Being an analyzer of communication, however, I kept replaying the e-conversation in my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that, though anyone who was carefully considering what I said would surely understand it, it was equally true that anyone who didn’t carefully consider my remark could misunderstand it. And, several of them did.

Now, we might ask ourselves, shouldn’t people try and figure out what we “really” mean? Perhaps they should, but usually they won’t. It isn’t human nature. It’s much easier to not think that hard and, instead, rely on our already-existing belief system to process it for us through an already-existing lense. Therefore, for us to be master persuaders, we must take responsibility for the communication.

So, am I willing to take responsibility for how that online communication (or, miscommunication) was perceived? Yes. Because, as I was taught years ago by a very wise man, “Burg, when the shooter misses the target, it ‘ain’t’ the target’s fault.” Advice well taken.

One might be tempted to say, “I say what I say the way I want to say it and if a person doesn’t get it, that’s their problem.”

And that’s fine, unless “one” really does care about successfully making the point they’re trying to make, persuading people to accept and embrace their views, and building and maintaining positive relationships with those important to them.

If that’s not an issue, then there’s not need to worry about it. If it is (as it is for most of us), then be prepared to accept the responsibility for your communication.

*Note: This was originally going to be a two-part series, Heather’s question below inspired both Part Three and Part Four.