In yesterday’s post , Liz Lynch, author of Smart Networking: Attract A Following In Person And Online, suggested that while the typical person forms their first impression of the other by silently assessing how that person can be of help to them, the more astute Networker, the Go-Giver (and I can tell you from personal experience, Liz is definitely one of those) comes from a very different point of view, wondering first how they might be of service to the other.

A rather strange-sounding term, “The willing suspension of self-interest” was then introduced. When first seeing it in Thomas Power’s book, Networking for Life, it brought to my mind the movie term, “The willing suspension of disbelief.”

In other words, we know it’s just a movie; we know that James Bond isn’t really blowing up an entire terrorist’s compound, and that when the head terrorist points a gun at his head and he responds by coolly cracking a joke, the actor’s life isn’t actually in danger. But, in order to enjoy the story, we willingly suspend our disbelief.

In the same way, when we willingly suspend our self-interest (note, I didn’t say forego our self-interest; that would be neither natural, nor healthy) we create an environment where a great deal more abundance will actually find its way toward us.

But, is that just some “Positive Mental Attitude” nonsense that doesn’t actually work in the real world?

Not at all. It works quite well in the real world. In fact, amazingly well. And, why is that? Because when you can take your focus off of yourself and be, what John David Mann and I call, “Other-Focused” and constantly, genuinely look for ways to add value to their lives, you create some amazing good-will.

The seeds you plant result in others feeling good about you know; indeed, feeling as though they “know you, like you and trust you; wanting to see you succeed; wanting to be a part of your life.

Yes, it works, providing you avoid one very dangerous trap. And, we’ll look at that all-to-easy-to- fall-into situation in the next article.

In Liz Lynch’s excellent book, Smart Networking: Attract A Following In Person And Online, she points out that when first meeting someone, the typical person is forming their first impressions of the other by silently assessing: 

• Is this person interesting?
• Is she someone I should get to know better?
• Does she have knowledge or skills that can help me or someone I know?
• Is there any way that I can help her?

After discussing this a bit, she makes a hugely powerful point:

“The most generous networkers will unconsciously start their wheels turning with the last question and work their way backwards to the other questions.”

Right on, Liz Lynch! The only thing I’m going to suggest (and this is just me) is that we might even replace the word “generous” with the word, “astute.” But, either one certainly works.

When you can put the other person first in your own mind and actually take your eyes off of yourself (Thomas Power, in his terrific book, Networking for Life, refers to this concept as, “the willing suspension of self-interest”) you are networking in a way that not only will benefit the other person but will benefit you, as well. 

Let’s discuss this more in the next article. First, though, may I ask you why you think Liz has it right?

I always enjoy quoting Vernon Howard (1918-1992). His books are life-enhancing and I receive his quotes daily from the New Life Foundation. The following began a terrific discussion on one of my Facebook pages:

“Why do you get hurt? Not because of what people do but because you have demanded they should do as you wish.”

Many wrote that, not only did they enjoy the quote, but that it “hit very close to home” for them.

It hit very close to home for me, as well. I refer to this as when I thought I was supposed to be “General Manager of the Universe.” It never seemed to work out particularly well that way. Turns out I’m not qualified for the position.

In fact, only after I let go of these “demands” did the outcomes actually get much easier to accomplish. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Of course, that’s not to say I don’t still struggle with this from time to time – I absolutely do.

The key for me is staying conscious of it so that I can do a “course correction” when necessary.

How about you? Is this an area you have worked on, or need to work on? And what have you found to be the best way to do so?

Most of us in sales have heard it said that “when you’re tellin’, you ain’t sellin’.” Very true. The key is to listen to the other person. That way you can learn about their wants, needs and desires.

When teaching people how to prospect via telephone, I explain that there are actually two reasons to encourage the other person to talk – one is for the reason stated above. The second is that – now really get this – nobody is ever going to hang up the phone on you…while THEY are talking! 

Bring that thought into any sales process, whether on the telephone or in person. Make it a goal that, whether you are simply establishing a relationship with a prospect, or actually giving a presentation that will hopefully result in a sale, that you talk only 25 percent of the time and listen 75 percent of the time.

And, the way to accomplish this is to ask questions. Questions that the prospect wants to answer, allows him or her to enjoy the process, and provides you with the information you need to help them toward the sale.

Remember what the great sales master, J. Douglas Edwards used to say: “Questions are the answer.”

How are you doing, percentage-wise in terms of listening versus talking?

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Last Thursday afternoon in St. Louis, Dixie Gillaspie and I having been seated for lunch, the waiter made his initial approach to our table with a bit of an…attitude. He was coldly polite and acted as if he’d rather not be there at all. In fact, he literally looked “pained” to even be there.

And, indeed, he literally was, as indicated by his pronounced limp as he walked away. So, when he came back, Dixie acknowledged his obvious discomfort and asked what happened. He explained that he’d been hit by a car and was in fact in extremely significant pain. We didn’t ask him why he was there at work or in any other way pry; we just let him know how badly we felt for him and that we’d try not to bother him too much with needless trips back and forth.

You wouldn’t believe (or, maybe you would) how polite, solicitous and friendly he then became. In fact, he made so many trips over to check up on us we had to try and keep from getting his attention.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? By Dixie simply verbalizing her concern and showing him she cared, that not only was she not offended by his attitude but, instead valued him enough as a human being to focus on his situation, he went over and above in trying to please us.

No, we didn’t do it for that reason (i.e., to manipulate him into working harder for us); it was simply the result of such.

As human beings, we have a need to know people care about us. And, when people show us they do, even – perhaps, especially – with no tangible reason to, we will go out of our way to make them happy.

It’s just another of those Laws of Life.

When has someone done that for you? And, did you feel yourself change in your thoughts and feelings toward and about them? Have you/do you do that for others? What are the results you’ve noticed/ Please share your experiences with us.