Actually, “paranoia” might be too strong a word (“might be”) but there is definitely concern when it comes to the DMs – or, Direct Messages – aspect of this medium. 

Yet, the concern is not for what would seem the obvious reasons; spam and the many automated DM welcomes from those I have newly-followed. Both of the afore-mentioned deserve a huge “yuck”…spam, for being what it is, and automated direct message welcomes for being what they are not; i.e., any value to the recipient. In fact, in my opinion, they are of negative value.

My opinion is that, at best these welcomes/thanks hold no value at all. I mean, c’mon; an “automated” thank you for the follow? No value, folks. At worst, they are a huge pain because they overstuff the other’s DM stream, causing them to miss the legitimate direct messages they’ve received from a real, live person who wants to communicate with them one-on-one instead of publicly (via the “@”).

Plus, they more often transcend a generic, no-value thank you and, much worse, are simply “I-focused” solicitations, asking someone who doesn’t even yet know you (never-mind “know, like and trust” you) to take action perceived as benefitting you, the messenger. I’d personally like to see some extreme “social pressure” exerted by the “Twitterverse” to discourage people from doing this.

Again, however, while all this makes my usually very enjoyable Twitter experience just a bit less-so, it’s not the cause of my concern.

The concern is that I am apparently hurting some people’s feelings through DMing them.

“But, Burg” you exclaim with surprise (you do exclaim, and with surprise, don’t you?”) … you wouldn’t say anything hurtful to anyone, would you?

No. Not purposely, anyway. However, over the past couple of months I’ve received DMs from two Twitter friends – friends for whom I care very much – that basically said the following (in fact, this is pretty much word-for-word, from both!):

“Bob, when I retweet you, you only thank me through DMs while you thank everyone else (my emphasis) publicly. I feel like a girlfriend you’re ashamed of; afraid to be seen in public with.”

Ouch. Now, while these both were women, I have a feeling it’s not a male/female or female/male thing. The more I think of it, it’s simply a “human” thing; feeling as though one is not valued, and based on limited knowledge of another. And that if those two expressed it, others feel that way, as well.

There a several challenges here:

#1 They are both incorrect. I value both of them very highly.

#2 Very rarely (very rarely) do I individually thank someone publicly (via the “@”) for a retweet. The reason is that – even with just 11000 followers* – I’m fortunate to be retweeted a lot and I simply don’t want to fill up the “public” streams of those following me with a bunch of thanks. By the way, since they can only go by what they see, to them, the relatively few times I retweet publicly qualify as “everybody else.” Remember, as human beings we make definite decisions based on limited information.

#3 It’s my opinion – though perhaps not shared by others – that an individual DM is a much more personal way of expressing my gratitude.**

“Holy misinterpretation, Batman!”

So, now I’m not sure what to do. The purpose of this post is actually not to explain myself as much as getting some conversation going about this topic and learning what opinions you have about this.

I’ve noticed others of late; those who are known experts on Twitter (I’m pretty much a newbie here – I’ve only been tweeting steadily since early May) who are sharing with us their own concerns about this terrific medium, many different aspects of it; how they see it working best for everyone – including themselves – and expressing their opinions.

And, I’m enjoying learning from them. Immensely so! While I did provide several opinions above, I’m obviously not as qualified to speak on this topic with authority; I’ve still got much more to learn. However, I’d love to hear your opinions.

Today, let’s focus on the DM issue. What are your thoughts, opinions and suggestions based on the situation with my two friends mentioned above? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller?

 – 

*I use the words, “follow” and “follower” because that is what Twitter calls it and that is the term used by most of those utilizing Twitter. Personally, I prefer the term “connect”, i.e., “connect with me on Twitter” or “are you connected with me on Twitter?” However, “when it Rome…”

**I do realize that one reason people like to be thanked publicly (“@”) is because it alerts others that they retweet and can gain more “followers.” I have to weigh that against taking up space in others tweetstreams. And, I also realize that was not the cause of the two people I mentioned feeling insulted.

In his 1918 work, The Power of Concentration (re-published in ebook form by Mike Litman), the author, Theron Dumont wrote, “It is necessary to be silent before you can speak wisely.” True enough, as stated. But then he goes on to write something I believe to be particularly profound.

According to Dumont, “The person who is really alert and well poised and able to speak wisely under trying circumstance is the person who has practiced in the silence.”

I see two different interpretations – or levels – regarding what Mr. Dumont wrote:

#1 The silence itself must be practiced. In other words, how difficult is it for most people (myself included) to remain silent after hearing someone say something with which they disagree? Don’t you just want to spring back with an answer? Well, what happens when you do that? There are several possible results, amongst which are:

A. Confusion. Since you don’t understand exactly what the other person is really saying but, instead, are allowing your personal belief system/paradigm/world model to interpret it for you, you react to something the other person doesn’t actually mean.

B. Less persuasive response. Since you answer without first forming a clear

idea as to what you want to say and how you can best say it, your answer lacks the meaning you would have given it had you taken a moment to think  it out.

C. Resentment toward you and resistance to your ideas from the other person. This is the natural result of jumping down his/her throat the very nanosecond they finished their sentence.

Again, please don’t think that I’ve never been guilty of any of these. I have more times than I care to remember.

None of these options makes for effective and persuasive communication. For this alone, it seems as though it would be a great idea for all of us to practice (getting into) the silence. In other words, practice holding our tongues until we’ve first allowed silence to buffer the response.

The second interpretation I see of Mr. Dumont’s statement however is, in my opinion, even more meaningful. In “practicing in the silence” he is teaching us to be comfortable in the silence and even allowing the silence to be our guide. There is actually wisdom within the silence.

He writes, “Speech interferes with the focusing powers of the mind, as it withdraws the attention to the external and therefore is hardly to be compared with that deep silence of
the subconscious mind, where deep thoughts, and the silent forces of high potency are evolved.”

So, as an exercise, perhaps we can all keep within our awareness the goal to practice being silent before speaking, to practice not only being silent but to practice in the silence.

Hmm, I wonder how many Thanksgiving Family Dinners could benefit from that kind of, err…practice.

In Part One, we addressed a couple examples of proper and effective responses a new (and/or young in age) salesperson might provide a concerned prospect regarding the issue of youth and inexperience.

But, as I explained to the young man, while the response is simple, there is a bigger challenge he must overcome. And, that is the very fear itself of it being an issue for the prospect. And, a major part of this fear is his own issue with it.

What I didn’t divulge in the previous article was that this was the third time I’d heard from him with the same basic challenge; that he’d again been questioned about being so young.

Here’s part of what I wrote him in response:

“Notice how this continues to come up. As I suggested in our last correspondence, you might be signaling your own discomfort with your being new and inexperienced, and/or a fear of their discomfort with it, and vibrating that fear. When you do this, they will pick up on it. Paraphrasing the ancient verse, that which you fear the most has a good chance of coming true.

“Best is to just leave it alone. Of course, prepare your response in the event the objection comes up. And then simply put it aside. If someone brings it up, you answer the same basic way we discussed previously; that while you’re relatively new with this position you are blessed to have a very experienced mentor who has taken you under his wing, thus your customers and clients get access to two minds instead of just one. Or, however you decide to frame your answer. You can also bring up the fresh perspective you bring to the picture and whatever else you feel presents a positive frame.

“If you know your answer in advance and feel comfortable with it, and, more importantly, as you become more comfortable with yourself and less concerned with your youth and inexperience, then that question will all but disappear completely.” 

In other words, “If (or when)  it doesn’t bother you, it won’t bother them.”

Awesome readers and friends; your thoughts?

A young reader who has just joined the world of professional selling asked how he could overcome questions and concerns from prospects he receives regarding his youth and inexperience. He claims he is asked about this constantly and feels he has no legitimate way to respond.

I explained that (based on the limited information I have) there seem to be two dynamics at work here:

The first is, indeed, his actual youth and inexperience. It certainly makes sense that a prospect would want to know their needs will be met, and that the person handling their account has the knowledge, wisdom and experience to do so properly.

Fortunately, this concern is easily overcome by letting the prospect know the benefit to them:

Example: “I’m very fortunate to be partnering with a sales manager who is also truly a mentor, and who works with me very closely. The good news is that because I’m relatively new to this company, you’ll have a great deal of my personal attention, as well as her years of experience.” 

It goes without saying that the above must be true in order for you to say it. Adjust it accordingly depending upon your unique situation. It might be as simple as, “I appreciate your concern. While our company training program is exceptional, I’m even more grateful for the team of experienced team members behind me that take every client’s situation very, very personally.”

Author and Strategist, Ava Diamond suggests turning this perceived disadvantage into an advantage by adding that you are also able to bring a fresh perspective to situations without being locked inside the model of “the way it’s always been done.” 

Yes, learn what you need to say, and practice it to the point that you absolutely know it and it becomes a part of your being.

However, recall that I said there were two dynamics at work. Overcoming the first one is easy. In tomorrow’s article, we’ll look at the far more difficult challenge our young salesman – and anyone else in his position – must be able to successfully overcome.

Any thoughts on what it might be?

Over the past two articles we saw from Liz Lynch that astute networkers approach a new possible business relationship by focusing, not on how the other person might be able to help him or her but on how they could possibly help the other person. In other words, purposely and purposefully taking your eyes off of yourself (me-focused) and concentrating on how you can add value to them (other-focused)

We learned from Thomas Power that this could be called, “the willing suspension of self-interest.”

And, because those who approach networking like this naturally elicit from others the “Know, like and trust” feelings crucial to developing both direct and referral business, they tend to thrive…and big-time!

What then, is the danger I referred to at the conclusion of the last article?

It’s, what I call, the “emotional attachment to payback.” It’s thinking that – because you have added value to this person’s life – they should; they must find a way to add value to yours; that you are now entitled to their being focused on you. In The Go-Giver Sam explains to Joe that this is trading or “keeping score” rather than giving. And people see through that quicker than a…than a…well, they see through it pretty quickly in most cases.

I refer to this as a trap because it’s easy to get “caught” in it without realizing, until too late. We want things now and – if we don’t get them now – there must be something wrong. And, it isn’t so.

There are those who might take what I’m saying as, “give without expectation.” But, I don’t believe that’s accurate. I want you to expect to receive; just not to be emotionally attached to having to receive…from that specific source or anyone else.

Give, not to get, but simply to give. Give because you truly enjoy adding value to others. Suspend your self-interest knowing that it’s the way you’ll develop the relationships resulting in all the business you desire. It might be new business directly from that person or it might not be. It might be indirectly from that person…or it might not be.

But even when it doesn’t seem to be (John David Mann calls this “The Law of Left Field” which we’ll discuss in a future article), it can often be traced back to something specific you did for someone; not with an agenda, but just because you’re a person of value who does those kinds of things.

After all, it’s who you are. And, because it’s who you are, it’s what you do. And…you prosper.