In Part One we discussed that while utilizing Principle-based techniques – in order to accomplish a result that is of pure intent and win/win in nature – is fine, the challenge comes when the recipient of such feels, well…techniqued. Once they feel you are attempting to manipulate them, any earned rapport is typically broken and the chances for success greatly diminished.

We used the example of the famous “Feel–Felt–Found” that, while an excellent method of honoring the person’s concerns and offering reassurance, is well-known enough that saying it in the typical way (“I understand how you feel. Many others have felt the same way. What they found, however, was that…”) will all too often result in their resenting the fact that you’re “using the Feel–Felt–Found Technique on them!”

How then, might you still utilize the principle, help this person, and accomplish your goal? Simply adjust  the wording.

Instead of “I understand how you feel” you might say, “that’s very reasonable.” Or, “that makes a lot of sense.” Or, “that’s a very realistic concern.” I love what John David Mann advises and that is to first ask yourself if you really do understand how they feel. Do you? Maybe not. In that case, you might say, “Tom, really, I can’t even begin to understand how you might feel, but I respect the fact that you do feel this way.” Wow – talk about genuinely honoring one’s feelings!

Then, you could say, “I know many people have had a similar concern because {now explain why they would have that concern, communicating that you are sensitive to that. Yes, you are actually edifying their objection! – that is different!}.

Now you can go into answering the concern in whatever way you feel comfortable doing so.

Remember, a technique is simply a method or procedure intended to effect a result. It isn’t – in and of itself – either righteous or evil. So long as it’s based on Principle and designed to help the other person, “technique away.” But, if the other person “feels techniqued” it’s best to…well, use another technique. Or, even better; check your motives.

Utilizing sales or persuasion techniques – so long as they are based on pure and principle-based intent – is always acceptable. After all, while at times the term “technique” brings with it a negative connotation, it is really nothing more than applying a procedure or method so as to effect a desired result (paraphrase of definition 4 – Dictionary.com).

The challenge comes when it is “communicated as a technique” to the recipient. When that is the case – in other words, when they know it is a technique; when they “feel…techniqued” – they will also feel manipulated. Any rapport you have established thus far will most likely be broken, and broken fast. From that point on, achieving your goal becomes very difficult.

Example:

“I understand how you feel. Many others have felt the same way. What they found, however, was that once they {whatever you are trying to persuade them to do, buy or accept}, it turned out to be {whatever the positive results were}”

This famous sales and general persuasion technique is known as the “Feel–Felt–Found.” And, it actually is an extremely principle-based method (technique) of honoring someone’s concerns, letting them know you understand their feelings, assuring them they are not the “only one” who’s felt that way, and then answering their concern.

Yes, it’s excellent. Except that, by now, it is SO well-known, the chances are great that, immediately upon hearing it, the person will think to themselves, “Oh no, she didn’t really just use the old ‘Feel–Felt–Found’ on me, did she?”

They feel manipulated. Now they are suspicious; now they are skeptical; now they are less trusting. Hardly a recipe for successful persuasion.

In the next article, we’ll look at what we can do in order to stay with the Principle while not coming across as “technique-y.”

Meanwhile, are there any experiences you’d like to share with us; when you’ve “caught” people techniquing you?

In Part One, we discussed the importance of being able to say no to requests you truly don’t want to accept and doing so in such a way that you are kind and polite but leave no doubt that you are not accepting the request. It was suggested you make a point of lavishing appreciation for the “offer” while actually declining. An example might be:

“I’m honored to even be thought of in that way – that you would think highly enough of me to ask me to serve on this committee. However, I believe I’m going to respectfully decline your kind offer.”

If they persist and say, “oh, c’mon; why not?” Or, “please, we really need you” all you have to do is reply with a sincere smile and say, “I’d just rather not, but thank you SO MUCH for considering me.”

The person will understand that you’re not going to accept the position, but cannot possibly be offended because of your gracious, humble and appreciative attitude.

There is a key point, however, which actually makes this work. And, that is:

Do not make an excuse for saying no.

Please, really embrace this. It’s that important. Do not make an excuse for saying no!

Please do not say, “I don’t have time” or “I’m really not qualified,” or anything similar you might be tempted to say. If you do, they’ll attempt to answer the objection and continue to try and persuade you. And, when they overcome the objection(s) you’ll either be cornered into accepting (so that you don’t appear to be a liar) or you’ll have to “admit” that what you said wasn’t really true. You’ll lose face and they’ll resent you.

Don’t get sucked into that game. A simple answer such as the one we used earlier along with a genuine smile will accomplish your goal. That, and…no excuses.

Will this work every time? Actually, yes, so long as you maintain your polite, thankful, yet steady posture of “no thank you.”

Bonus: Once you begin training people (even those who are used to your giving in) that you are able to say no and not be bullied, coerced or guilted into doing something you don’t want to do, you will find that, from now on, all it will take is one “no” per request to not be asked again.

Saying no to a request can be difficult. Perhaps we don’t want to feel as though we are insulting the person or even just letting them down. Most of us have a desire to please others and to feel as though we are “coming through” for them. And, of course, there are many appropriate times for a “yes” response.

However, when you believe “no” is the appropriate response, you should be able to do it so that you get your point across kindly and politely, and in such a way that the person does not continue to ask. And/or, if they do ask again, you’re able to stay committed to your decision with the result being they discontinue their request.

Declining an offer graciously will allow you to never again get trapped into making a commitment you simply don’t want to make. Or, just saying yes when you’d rather say no. Please, don’t ever confuse being nice (or even, being a “Go-Giver”) with not taking care of yourself and your personal needs. There is nothing righteous about that. However, also know that you can say no graciously, with class, and in a way that the other person cannot possibly be offended.

Let’s use the very generic situation where “someone asks you to do something you simply don’t want to do.” When this happens, offer lavish appreciation just for their “thinking” of you like that, then finish with the decline.

Example: “I’m honored to even be thought of in that way – that you would think highly enough of me to ask me to serve on this committee. However, I believe I’m going to respectfully decline your kind offer.”

Okay, good start, but we’re not through yet. There’s one more very important thing you need to do (actually, not do) for this to work effectively. It is the difference between a good idea and accomplishing your goal.

In the next part, we’ll reveal that “thing.”

When I was a very young kid, I remember my Dad – the man who is the master of people skills – telling me that when it came to business or personal relationships, “never burn your bridges.” In other words, if you disagree with someone, be genuinely respectful. And, even if you have to end a relationship, part on the best terms possible. First, it’s the right thing to do. Secondly, burned bridges can come back to you in a very negative way.

Agreed. And, I follow that advice to this day.

Years later, when I was 19, my best buddy was reading this book with a strange-sounding title. It was by Napoleon Hill and entitled, Think And Grow Rich. Since I was brought up seeing my Dad and Mom work many hours to build a successful business – and also had not yet been exposed to these types of writings – the very title was outside of my personal paradigm and I was extremely skeptical.

Then, early in the book, I read a section advising “burning your bridges” when going after your definitive goal.

Based on my young but solidly entrenched paradigm to “never burn your bridges” that totally turned me off.

“Nonsense!” I would have said…had I ever used words like nonsense, which I didn’t, though it’s kind of a cool word.

10 years after that, I finally read Think And Grow Rich and it changed my life.

Of course, both my Dad and Napoleon Hill were absolutely correct. It’s just that they were speaking out of two very different contexts.

I had let my paradigm totally close my mind to a – for me – new and unexplored idea. And it slowed my learning curve ten years.

Have you ever done something similar? If so, what do you do now to make sure that doesn’t happen?