Can Techniques Break Rapport? Part Two

In Part One we discussed that while utilizing Principle-based techniques – in order to accomplish a result that is of pure intent and win/win in nature – is fine, the challenge comes when the recipient of such feels, well…techniqued. Once they feel you are attempting to manipulate them, any earned rapport is typically broken and the chances for success greatly diminished.

We used the example of the famous “Feel–Felt–Found” that, while an excellent method of honoring the person’s concerns and offering reassurance, is well-known enough that saying it in the typical way (“I understand how you feel. Many others have felt the same way. What they found, however, was that…”) will all too often result in their resenting the fact that you’re “using the Feel–Felt–Found Technique on them!”

How then, might you still utilize the principle, help this person, and accomplish your goal? Simply adjust  the wording.

Instead of “I understand how you feel” you might say, “that’s very reasonable.” Or, “that makes a lot of sense.” Or, “that’s a very realistic concern.” I love what John David Mann advises and that is to first ask yourself if you really do understand how they feel. Do you? Maybe not. In that case, you might say, “Tom, really, I can’t even begin to understand how you might feel, but I respect the fact that you do feel this way.” Wow – talk about genuinely honoring one’s feelings!

Then, you could say, “I know many people have had a similar concern because {now explain why they would have that concern, communicating that you are sensitive to that. Yes, you are actually edifying their objection! – that is different!}.

Now you can go into answering the concern in whatever way you feel comfortable doing so.

Remember, a technique is simply a method or procedure intended to effect a result. It isn’t – in and of itself – either righteous or evil. So long as it’s based on Principle and designed to help the other person, “technique away.” But, if the other person “feels techniqued” it’s best to…well, use another technique. Or, even better; check your motives.

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