Early one morning, with no time for a Dunkin’ Donuts run, I made the two-minute drive to the Circle K, a local convenience store, and poured myself a cup of hot coffee. All of a sudden, I felt a sizzling, burning feeling. The good news was that ”my cup runneth over.” The bad new was that it was running over with hot coffee. Yes, yours truly (a.k.a. “Mr. Klutz”) had managed to pour coffee all over his hand.

Being of the oratorical profession, I knew exactly what to say…”OUCHHHHHHHH!”

A bystander, having observed my painful ordeal, commented, “Well, at least you can sue the Circle K Corporation for millions of dollars.” I believe he was serious.

I replied (politely), “Or, I could pay more attention when I pour my coffee.”

Social commentary aside, the point is, whatever we do, we need to not only pay attention but be willing to take responsibility for and accept the consequences of our actions.

This holds particularly true in our communication with others. We can’t expect that, just because we know what we are trying to say, the other person will automatically understand it as we intend it to be understood. As I’ve previously pointed out, this often comes down to belief systems (how we see the world, and assume that other see it the same way we do) and definitions (if two people define a term differently, it becomes difficult to have a conversation based on understanding).

In Part Two, we’ll look at one example where, although I probably said exactly what I meant to say, I communicated it in such a way that – if someone really wanted to misunderstand it, they could…and they did. And I had to take responsibility and realize that I set up the misunderstanding.

In about an hour, I head for the aiport to travel to New Jersey. I have a program there on Saturday. On Friday, John David Mann and I meet at a studio in New York to record the audio version of our soon-to-be-released book, Go-Givers Sell More (Portfolio, February, 2010).

So, not sure if Part Two will be tomorrow, Saturday or next Monday. But I do “accept responsibility” for getting it done. At least, one of these days.

A reader asks, “Bob, what is the difference between one who is persistent and one who is stubborn?” 

I’d say that persistent means you keep on trying as long as you feel there is legitimately a positive result that can be obtained. 

Stubborn would mean that you keep trying even when you know there is really no legitimate chance for a positive result.

Persistence is positive and is “results-based.”

Stubborn is negative and is “ego-based.”

Of course, that’s just my opinion. What is yours?

Sure, it isn’t just what you say, but how you say it. We know that. But, could powerful, effective and persuasive communication be even more than that?

How about “when and where” you say it? We’ve all heard the expression, “now is not the time and place to discuss this.” So, the best communicators make sure that if they’re going to say something of importance, it is at the proper moment, and within a physical environment best suited to the situation.

While praising a member of your team is best done in public, if you need to rebuke that person, it’s certainly best – except for in extreme circumstances – not to do so in front of the others, but in private.

At the same time, even in private, if it’s a conversation that needs to take 15 minutes, best not to attempt it when you have an appointment just five minutes from now.

When I was growing up and we had Family Meetings to iron out a problem or situation, it was made sure before beginning that everyone had proper time to discuss what needed to be discussed. If not, the meeting was reset.

When trying to persuade someone to take your side of the issue about an important topic, is it really going to happen in just two minutes at a party when you’re surrounded by dozens of people, any of whom could join your conversation without notice? Probably not.

All this seems obvious but – as life moves fast and “things come up” – it’s easy to forget and try to “get things done when we have the chance.” This often becomes counter-productive instead of productive.

I’d love to know your thoughts and continue the discussion future articles. I believe this topic alone is key when differentiating between communication that “works” and communication that doesn’t.

In his book, The Speed of Trust, author Stephen M.R. Covey quotes Mahatma Gandhi as saying, “The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.”

While reading that quote during a recent presentation, I thought about a person who, about a year ago, sent me an email asking if they could discuss with me a project they had in mind. Without going into detail, they explained that it could result in millions of dollars being raised for a very worthy cause. Naturally, I agreed, and invited him to call me.

When we spoke, it turned out to simply be a business venture that – if it succeeded – could result in a very lucrative return for both of us. While I’m always happy about that possibility, I asked him why he told me what he did in setting the appointment with me. He very “honestly” answered that had he told me the truth, he didn’t think I’d have agreed to speak with him.

Assuming you agree with the Gandhi quote near the top of this post – and I find that most people absolutely agree with it – do you think there is any possibility that – from that point on – every single thing he could ever say to me would not be tainted?

It’s said that trust is difficult to build and easy to destroy. Well, in my opinion, if you go about building it correctly, it need not be that difficult to build. I agree, however, that it’s easy to destroy. And, once it is destroyed, it is then very difficult to rebuild.

But, to “lead with a lie” almost guarantees one will never have the opportunity to build trust in the first place. Why, because from that point on, everything they do is…tainted.

Feel free to share with us similar experiences you’ve had from which we all can learn.

“Dan Davis…’HDH Sports!” His voice was deep and booming, and the studio microphone caused it to echo with spectacular richness.

He was the sports anchor for WHDH a.m., big-time radio in Boston in the 70’s and 80’s. And he was really good. Also, turned out to be a great guy.

While interning at WGTR a.m. (small-time radio in my hometown of Natick, Massachusetts) as a 21 year-old wannabe sportscaster, I met Dan when we both covered the annual U.S. Pro Tennis Championship at Longwood in Brookline. I asked if I could visit him at the station some day and watch him work. He kindly agreed.

While there, he did some great teaching and provided me with many of the inside aspects of broadcasting.

But, what impressed me more than anything was the following exchange:

At one point, he told me that when conducting an interview for a story in which only one answer would be aired, to – rather than asking a bunch of questions and sorting through all the answers later  in order to find the best one – simply ask one question; the one I would eventually use.

“Ahh, of course, Mr. Davis” I agreed. “I’ve been doing it all wrong. I’ve been asking a lot of questions because I haven’t had the confidence to know which one I’m definitely going to use. I’ll do it your way from now on. Thanks!”

He then paused, thought about it and said, “Actually, Bob, I was wrong. Eventually, after you’re experienced enough, you should do what I said and ask just one question. For now though, until you have the confidence you need, keep doing what you’re doing. Ask as many questions as necessary in order to get the right one.”

Notice his first five words: “Actually, Bob, I was wrong.”

Sure, I learned a “good” lesson in terms of asking questions.

I learned a “better” lesson in seeing a pro – a true pro and a confident and humble man – who could admit to his young “protégé” that he was wrong.

Over the next 30 years, I’ve continued to notice; great leaders, great people, the truly confident, the real winners, not only know they make mistakes, but admit to those mistakes, as well.

What a winner. “Dan Davis…’HDH Sports!”

In Part One we saw that, when in the process of buying something you’d like, if you feel you need to negotiate a better situation for yourself with the salesperson working with you, it’s best to do so in a way that is respectful, and keeps the door open to negotiation. Not only is treating someone with respect the right thing to do, it will also go a lot farther in helping you achieve the outcome you desire. After all, when you make someone feel good about themselves (and about you) they have a greater desire to please you.

After utilizing the words, “I couldn’t justify” (in our example it was, “Thank you, Steve. I appreciate the offer. Unfortunately, at that price and the long delivery time, ‘I couldn’t justify’ making the purchase. But I DO appreciate the offer”) you wait for his response. 

If, after a few seconds, he says nothing (and assuming you really want the widget enough to pursue this), simply say: “Steve, what can you offer that would help me to justify the decision to buy?”

That one question, asked with respect, will allow him to provide you with the appropriate answer.

He’ll either come back with something better, or he won’t. There’s no guarantee he will. (Sometimes, it’s a ‘condition,’ not a choice, meaning that he has no room to negotiate further.) The choice will then be yours. However, what I CAN guarantee is that if you’ll proceed with the “I couldn’t justify . . .” response as opposed to a simple (or less than nice) “no”, the odds of him going out of his way to make you happy will increase dramatically.

In a recent two-part series we discussed how to effectively turn down requests you don’t want to accept. Done correctly, you’ll employ tact and kindness while still getting your point across and discouraging continued requests.

That will work for any of life’s situations, whether being asked to serve on a committee or attend an event you don’t wish to attend. It will work just as well in business as it will in social and personal situations.

Now, something a bit different. Imagine you desire to buy a product, however, either the price is too high or another aspect of the sale is unacceptable. How do you turn it down without offending the salesperson and keeping the door open to further dialogue and negotiation?

Doing this correctly is vital; first, because treating people with respect is simply right. And, the most effective way of getting what you desire is to make the other person feel good about themselves, as well as about you. 

Have you ever witnessed someone saying, “That’s my final offer – take it or leave it!”? If so, did the person “leave it” even if a decent offer? The ego elicits emotional decisions and, if insulted, people will often make decisions that aren’t even in their best interests. (Yes, even salespeople. They might want the sale but –other than in extreme circumstances – typically not enough to allow themselves to feel abused.)

And, even if they are in a position where they must give in now, they’ll be tempted to somehow sabotage the arrangement and/or do what they can in the future to make life difficult for the offending person. 

Another rude and counter-productive way of refusing an offer is, “There’s no way I’ll accept that. You must give me ’such and such’ or I’m walking!” This then paints the other person into a corner and, if they agree, they have just “backed down.”

On the other hand, we can very pleasantly turn down an offer while allowing that person to “save face” and still understand they need to come back with a better offer. For example: 

Salesman Steve: This is the price for the widget, and delivery will be in two weeks. 

You: Thank you, Steve. I appreciate the offer. Unfortunately, at that price and the long delivery time, “I couldn’t justify” making the purchase. But I DO appreciate the offer. 

You’ve very kindly and respectfully said no, while leaving his self-esteem totally intact. People like Steve want to do business with people like you. Now, say nothing and see if Steve comes back with another offer or asks you what price/delivery time you were thinking.

He probably will do just that. But, what if he doesn’t? There’s a very simple and respectful question you can then ask him. In the next article, we’ll find out what that is.

Meanwhile, what do you think it is?

In Part One it was suggested that whether in the context of an airport newsstand, the local fast food joint or many other business situations, upsells – the selling of an additional product or service (typically related to the original item purchased) either at the time of the sale or immediately afterwards – is a true double win; after all, it provides added value to the customer and extra profit for the business.

So, how should this be handled?

If you’re the Seller: Offer your upsell item or service, but “never” inappropriately pressure the customer into buying it. Not only is it unethical, but this will offend your customer, create bad will and lots of “negative-PR” about you and your company. On the other hand, when handled correctly, your customer will be filled with thanks and gratitude and positive word is even more likely to spread

If you’re the Customer: Understand that you have a choice. You don’t “have” to purchase the upsell item or service just because it is offered. Weigh the pros and cons and don’t be pressured into an immediate answer. It may be for you or may not be (for example, a service warranty might be a good choice if you’re security conscious, but not a good choice if you’re price conscious).

The choice is yours. If you feel any inappropriate pressure or you simply don’t want it, just very politely say, “Thank you. I appreciate your kind offer but I’m going to pass.”

As a business person, ask yourself, “What do I sell that lends itself to an upsell of some sort? What could I offer to dramatically heighten my customer’s buying experience or, at the very least, benefit him or her in some way? Then, see how it works. If the results aren’t what you want, try something else. Test, test, and then test some more.

Then teach everyone in your company how to be like Gail, the cashier and sales professional at Hudson News.

Tara Kennedy-Kline, owner of Tara’s Toy box  posted the following on her Facebook Status Page:

“I was so impressed! The cashier at Hudson News just tried to upsell me a bottle of water with my magazines! I can think of a few salespeople who could take a lesson from Gail at Hudson News.”

I love it. And, I agree with Tara in that great salesmanship – in this case, “upselling” - is great salesmanship regardless of the context. And, when done appropriately and ethically, it benefits everyone involved; the salesperson, the company and – most importantly – the customer.

An upsell is an additional (and typically, related) product – usually less expensive – offered to a customer, either while in the act of purchasing the main product or immediately after just having done so.

While the classic example is, “Would you like fries with your burger?” :-) upsells are used in thousands and thousands of sales situations and with all sorts of products, services, and combinations of such. 

Upsells help the consumer, who may not have thought of something he or she also needs or wants and of course helps the business/salesperson, who increases their profit with an additional sale with no additional expense or overhead. A “win/win” in the truest sense of the word.

Other upsell examples: Service warrantees for an appliance, a discounted price on an additional audio program after having bought the first, the waiter suggesting coffee and dessert with your dinner.

In Part Two, suggestions concerning upsells both for the buyer and for the seller.

On the airport TV was a story featuring a “Top 10 list of Sayings That Annoy People.” I don’t recall what most of them were and found more than a few somewhat suspect in that they didn’t seem to be particularly worthy of annoying anyone. “Then again” I thought, “it is what it is.”

Oh, that’s right…that was one of them. Yes, apparently, people don’t like the saying, “it is what it is.” According to the report, it annoys them.

Actually, I didn’t know that saying was used enough to even be annoying; at least to as many people as it would take to make such a list. In fact, other than when I say it, I rarely even hear it said. However, I guess that doesn’t say much because I don’t watch a lot of mainstream television (Family Guy and The Simpsons aside – D’oh!) and, as a result, tend to be a bit out of the loop with things both very cool and very lame.

I’ve got to say that I think “It is what it is” is a terrific saying.

To me, it’s the ultimate in accepting that something, someone, a circumstance or a situation is…well, what it is, and not trying to deny it being so.

That doesn’t mean we can’t try and change it. If it’s worth changing and if there’s a chance of actually being able to do so, why not? And, if it isn’t, then we don’t try and change it and simply accept its “is-ness.”

Things are what they are and…well, “is what they is.”People are people. They often act in ways that are difficult to understand and in ways that are hurtful. Circumstances often put us in very uncomfortable situations. Events happen that can, at times, put a real wrench in our plans. Life itself can be very confusing and confounding. It is what it is.

Why is it that way? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s part of what Jim Rohn calls, “The mysteries of life.” They certainly can be, can’t they?

Sometimes, we can both affect and effect whatever “it” is. Other times we cannot. Part of wisdom is knowing the difference. Change what you can; accept what you cannot.

But, in making those decisions, when we realize that “it is what it is” we are in a much better position to operate out of strength and intellect; thus increasing the odds that we deal with it effectively and make the correct choice.

I just hope that wasn’t too annoying.