Recently, I had the opportunity to read Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book, Outliers. The man is indeed brilliant; you’ve gotta’ love his eye for details and his research is phenomenal. However, I think that – like most of us – he comes to conclusions based on an already-established belief system. In other words, he sees the world in a certain way and tends to interpret his evidence to support that world-view.

I notice I have a tendency to do the same thing. This is one reason why it’s so important that we not only check our own premises (to keep ourselves from doing this as much as humanly possible) but that – before we accept the ideas of someone else just because they speak in front of lots of people and write books  – we check their premises, as well. Learn their worldview first and you’ll see how much it encompasses and affects their entire message.

Yes, I’m including not just Mr. Gladwell, but everyone with a platform – including me – in the above statement. While I’m pointing my index finger outward, I’m pointing three others fingers back at myself (my thumb simply won’t bend that far backwards).

Actually, apparently Confucius realized this about himself, as well because one of his most famous quotes warns us not to blindly accept the teachings of anyone…including his.

So, what was Mr. Gladwell’s basic conclusion that, to me, seemed to be a stretch to connect his research with his pre-conceived worldview? It was that – in terms of accomplishment – luck is more important to success than the individual himself or herself. In other words, that without a very unique set of circumstances, including year of birth, place of birth, one’s parents, culture, state of technology, etc., outliers (basically, those individuals who have accomplished extraordinary success) wouldn’t necessarily be as successful as they are.

Well, literally, I would imagine that’s true. We are what we are in part because of all those things. However, that’s also what is known as a “straw man.” There is truth within it, but it’s not the entire story. We all have free will to work within the context of our external factors and succeed or not succeed both because of them and in spite of them.

However, Mr. Gladwell’s conclusions, in large part, say to the reader, “If you haven’t accomplished great things, don’t take it personally; it’s not you; you simply didn’t have the “luck” that these people had.

And, it’s easy to see that this, indeed, is the author’s world-view. Of course, mine being different, I would reach a different conclusion.

Regardless of how much ‘the hand we’re dealt’ actually affects our outcome, what I can say with 100% certainty is that belief in that message of predestined limitations does not serve anyone well. In fact, every day, people are rising above the crowd, rising above the very level that Mr. Gladwell would say is their destiny.

They are only able to do this because they don’t hold to Mr. Gladwell’s beliefs or conclusions. Rather than focusing on (and using as an excuse) the “norm” of the masses, they believe in the power of the individual and in self-determination. Ironically, the more individuals catch on to that way of thinking, the less the “norm” will be the…”the norm” 

In Part Two, we’ll see how this ties in to the title of this article and that – in my opinion – Winner’s Win…in pretty much any situation you put them.

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* None of the above is meant to imply that the author didn’t have some absolutely brilliant points. In fact, his first chapter, about the birth month of Canadian Hockey Players and the results is eye-opening and – in my opinion – pretty much indisputable. I highly recommend the book as it will definitely get you thinking. Just be aware of the author’s world-view while reading and don’t accept conclusions without asking “why?”

The same goes for when you read my books and articles, just like this one. Or…even the writings of Confucius. Hey, he even said so.

A quote by David H. Comins reads, “People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.”

Humorous, yes. And profound! Although I believe Mr. Comins was pointing out the universal respect people have to this day for the wisdom of Benjamin Franklin, his quote leads us to another point just as significant; the importance of “Third-party credibility.”

The term itself has several generally-accepted meanings, two of the most well-known being:

1. Your credibility in the mind of your prospect based on the recommendation of someone he or she already deems credible.
2. The credibility you attain from others due to crediting another person with the information you are sharing.

It’s the second of the two definitions we will focus on in this article.

A very strange fact of life (though not totally when digging deep into the issue) is that the closer you are to someone emotionally, the less believable you are in most other areas. On the other hand, the farther away emotionally, the more believable you are. Thus, when you phrase your wisdom, opinion, instruction as having come from someone else (a third party), the person with whom you are sharing this information is much more likely to accept it as true and believable.

While this would seem to defy logic, it is absolutely true.  And, those who are humble enough to not care who gets the credit — and will consistently utilize this basic principle of human interaction — will find his or her persuasive abilities to hit new heights of effectiveness.

Third-Party Credibility is based on the human tendency to value the opinion/expertise of someone outside their circle of influence more than someone within (i.e. an outsider must know something we don’t).

Example: Assuming some advice your children hear is the exact same, are they more likely to believe and accept it from you or from the parent of their friend? From you, or from a teacher? From you, or even some other adult that they have just recently met? Most parents laugh knowingly when answering this question.

Have you ever heard the saying, “In order to be thought of as an expert you must be from 50 miles out of town and carrying a briefcase?”

If so, then you are familiar with the concept of third-party credibility. The key is to allow yourself to credit the wisdom, advice, instruction, etc. to someone else. The person you are trying to persuade will much more likely believe what you are saying, and you’ll all be happy.

The paradox is that by always giving away the credit (whether or not it’s to Ben Franklin), you’ll eventually be given even more credit.

Have you found the above-thoughts regarding third-party credibility to be true? Feel free to share any stories with us from your own personal experiences.

In Part One we defined Gossip as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share and mentioned some of its dangerously negative results. Over the first two segments, we looked at the first seven ways we could turn potential negative speech into positive speech, becoming a lot more effective and value-based in the process.

Let’s look at the final three of ten.

8. Honesty Really Is the Best Policy. Be careful to always tell the truth, unless it will unnecessarily hurt others, break your own privacy or in some other way cause needless pain or anguish.

Yes, strive for honesty in everything you do. But, if it’s between honesty and unnecessarily hurting another’s feelings, it’s better not to be so truthful. Those who boast about being “brutally honest” are usually more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest. Honesty, mixed with tact and kindness, is a recipe that typically serves well.

9. Learn to say “I’m Sorry.” Everyone makes mistakes. If you’ve spoken badly about someone, clear it up immediately.

It might be embarrassing, but get it over with quickly. Apologize, ask for forgiveness, and let him or her know it won’t happen again. By the way, if bringing up your mistake to that person will only hurt them more, then don’t apologize, but commit to not ever doing it again.

10. Forgive. If you have been wronged, let it go.

Forgive for your sake, if not for theirs. Those who can forgive live healthier, happier, and less stressful lives. Those who say they’ll “forgive but not forget” are actually saying that they’ll neither forgive nor forget.

Try these ten pathways for the next month. The good news is, if you slip up now and then, it only means you are human. Try again. I congratulate you simply for making the effort.

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The above is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul, which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik

In Part One we defined Gossip as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share and then mentioned some of its dangerously negative results. We then looked at the first three ways we could overcome this habit and use our power of speech with results that would add value to others and to the world. In this article, we’ll highlight four more.

4. See No Evil. Judge people favorably, the way you would want them to judge you.

If you’ve ever been accused of doing something for which you know you were innocent, then you know how it feels to be misjudged. Remember, if you weren’t there, you don’t know. And, even if you were, you may have missed what actually happened in context.

5. Beware of Speaking Evil Without Saying an Evil Word. Body language and even positive speech can bring tremendous destruction.

Whether a “knowing look” or nod, body language is often used to insult in place of direct words. And, even seemingly positive speech, such as telling someone who you know takes advantage of other’s kindness that a particular person will give you “the shirt of his back” – although it seems like positive speech, is not an act of kindness.

6. Be Humble, Avoid Arrogance. These will be your greatest weapons against destructive speech.

As Rabbi Noah Weinberg (of blessed memory) used to say, “Take ‘pleasure’ in your accomplishments, not ‘pride’.” This way you recognize the Ultimate Source of your accomplishments. And, the less arrogant/more humble one is, the less they feel the need to speak ill of others.

7. Beware of Repeating Information. Loose lips sink ships. Even positive information needs permission before being repeated.

Telling someone who’s out of a job that your mutual friend, Julie, got a raise, does not constitute proper speech. Or, mentioning to someone that a mutual friend is thinking of moving might get spread the kind of information that the friend who is moving just doesn’t want people to know.

In the next article, we’ll look at the remaining three pathways.

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The above is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik.

Gossip may be defined as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share. Gossip can ruin lives, assassinate reputations, split families, alienate friends and destroy businesses. On the other hand, a gossip-free environment leads to peaceful lives, healthier relationships, and overall prosperity.

Yes, the gift of speech is a marvelous one, depending upon how it is used.

Would you like your words to soothe instead of sting? Heal instead of hurt? And build instead of burn? Following these ten pathways will help:

1. Speak No Evil. Say only positive statements. Let words of kindness be on your tongue.

This means to respond instead of react. Think first.  And, even, to “Edit your speech before you speak.”

2. Hear No Evil. Refuse to listen to gossip, slander and other negative forms of speech.

If you’re on a diet, don’t bring the cake and cookies into your home. If you’re attempting to live gossip-free, try and keep away from conversations that may tempt you to listen or chime in. Hint: If avoiding the conversation is impossible, have another topic of “positive’ interest you can quickly bring up in order to change the subject.

3. Don’t Rationalize Destructive Speech. Excuses like “But it’s true” or “I’m only joking”  just don’t cut it.

Gossip is gossip, anyway you look at it. Besides, the fact that it is true is what qualifies it as gossip. If it were not true, it would be libel or slander, depending upon the medium.

In the next article, we’ll look at several more ideas. Meanwhile, let me know what you think of these.

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The above article is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik