In Part Three of our Three-Part series, “Ten Pathways to Positive Speech” we saw that Pathway Number Ten was to forgive. If you’ve been wronged, let it go. Often, it’s not as important to do this for the other person’s sake as it is to do it for your sake.

The ability to forgive (and yes, forget) elicits a healthier, happier and less stressful life for the those who can do this.

As a person who – for years – held bitter grudges against people who’d wronged me (both for real and others whose “sins against me” I’d built up more in my own mind), I can attest that a spirit of forgiveness and forgetness makes for a much richer and happier life. And, for very selfish reasons.

I believe it was Gandhi who said, “Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Or, it might have been my old buddy, Tom Davis who said that; I’m not sure.)

So, I was delighted when a man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the past year both as a friend and a client, Joe Vizi posted the following in the comments section after Part Three:

“Just buried the hatchet with my neighbor. Six months of no talking has ended. I feel so much better!”

Joe, I’m so proud of you. And, I appreciate the private email you sent me with a fuller explanation. If you wouldn’t mind posting it in the Comments section here, that would be terrific. Only if you feel comfortable doing so, of course.

The Talmud asks, “Who is Mighty?” and answers, “The one who can control his emotions and make, of an enemy, a friend.” And, that’s exactly what Joe did.

How often has history also taught us that former enemies who become friends often become some of our closest, most loyal and life-enriching friends?

Of course, often, the act of forgiveness will not take an inter-personal form as it did with Joe and his neighbor. Much of the time you’ll simply make the decision to forgive someone who doesn’t even know they’ve been living in your mind. And, it will simply be a life-affirming pleasure to gently and emotionally remove them.

Any examples of the above you’d like to share?

Is there anyone today you can simply forgive…and yes, forget, the wrong they did to you?

I recently tweeted a quote from Napoleon Hill that he considered one of the “14 Secrets to Success” (from his book, The Magic Ladder to Success). The quote read:

“I enter into no arguments with people over trivial matters.”

It reminded me of a situation last week when I nearly allowed myself to fall into this trap.

As one who possesses the inclination to “have to be right” as well as the need to communicate that “rightness” (believe me, I’m not bragging about that inclination. I’ve worked hard to overcome it and am most of the way there), it’s easy for me to debate a topic until I feel the person understands and accepts my view.

The key question is, “why?” Why would I – or anyone – have the need to do so when the matter is trivial? (I’d say “ego” but that’s another blog post)

*Please don’t confuse this with approaching a matter that is indeed important. There is a time and place where you discuss until the point that one of you changes their mind or you simply agree to disagree.

This was not, however, one of those rare times. It was one of the 95 percent of the times when being right – and just as importantly – making the other person wrong, and making them feel wrong, would have been totally counterproductive.

How do we avoid this trap? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me:

1. Be Aware of The Problem: We must acknowledge this tendency in order to be able to correct it.
2. Be Aware of The Specific Situation:  Is it about to happen? Catch yourself before “jumping in.”
3. Ask Yourself If Any Good Can Come Out of It: If you prove yourself right and him or her wrong, will anything change for the better in the big scheme of things? Is it necessary for you to do this?
4. Ask Yourself What Might Be The Result: Will arguing over this trivial matter cause this person to like you more? Dislike You? Feel emotionally safer with you? Feel emotionally less safe with you? Will he or she feel good about you? Will he or she resent you?

Any other thoughts on this topic or suggestions for overcoming this habit? Feel free to share.

Whether in business, interpersonal relationships or sports, it’s the fundamentals; the basics, that will make or break you in terms of success.

I thought about that this weekend as I watched my Florida Marlins lose their second two-out-of-three game series in a row, first to the Houston Astros, then to the Atlanta Braves. This after completing several very impressive winning series. What was the difference? Yes, the basics.

The Marlins are a young team, and with the lowest payroll in the league. However, they also have some great, great talent. Besides that, they play hard, consistently and they simply don’t give up.

And, they often win…except for when they don’t execute the fundamentals, such as “situational hitting”, bunting, and heads-up base running. (Defensively they rarely hurt themselves.)

When they do the little things right, they win. When they do the little things wrong, they lose. Hmm, maybe the “little things” aren’t so little, in the big scheme of things.

Isn’t this true about the other two areas of life mentioned above, as well?

 If you agree, write in and let us know. Feel free to share specific examples.

My friend, Patricia Fripp, built her fortune, first as an owner of salons, and then as a speaker and author, by living the following principle:

“Don’t concentrate on making a lot of money, but rather on becoming the type of person people want to do business with.”

“What!?” you may be asking. “But, Burg, you avowed and unapologetic capitalist; are you saying we shouldn’t focus on making money?” Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. But only if you want to make a LOT of money.

More confused than ever? Please allow me to ‘splain. If you focus on making money, you’ll make a living, and make some money. If, on the other hand, you take Ms. Fripp’s advice and focus on becoming the type of person people want to do business with, you’ll take your business to an entirely new level.

You’ll consistently build the “know you, like you, trust you” relationships with people who will gladly connect you with those in their network with the understanding that you’ll always do a superb job and make them look good. Because you’ll earn a reputation as a person of principle and character (and competence), you’ll be sought out as special. In a world filled with distrust of salespeople and business people, you’ll stand out from the crowd, and profit and abundance will be the result.

In other words, be good. Both in terms of character and competence. It’s good business and it’s good for business.

In Part One we briefly discussed Malcolm Gladwell’s very interesting book, Outliers. My summation was that, as brilliantly written as it was, he – based on his personal world view – came to a conclusion about what makes one hugely successful that is highly different from mine (I, of course, operate from my own world view, very opposite of his and thus respectfully believe he is incorrect).

Mr. Gladwell believes that circumstances (i.e., luck) are mainly responsible for the ultra-success that outliers obtain. I believe that – while circumstances certainly play a part – it’s the individual who is mainly responsible for their success or failure, mediocrity, or ultra-success.

{Note: when I talk about the individual being “responsible” that is not to in any way imply that they necessarily “do it alone.”}

I believe that winners win. They simply find a way to win, regardless of the “cards they’ve been dealt.” How often do we see people with very similar backgrounds, circumstances, environments (indeed, siblings) take two completely different paths; one consistently winning and the other consistently losing?

Years ago, I recall reading in my friend, Dan Kennedy’s newsletter a quick piece he wrote about Doug Flutie, the former star quarterback. He wrote (paraphrased), “Winners find a way to win, regardless of the circumstances. Flutie won in college, won in the Canadian Football League and won in the National Football League, all leagues with different rules; one with very different field dimensions.

Okay, that’s a very simple and specific example, but within it were some key thoughts: “Winners find a way” to win, and they do so “regardless of the circumstances.”

I believe Dan hit upon the key. Winners simply find a way to win, and they do so regardless of outside circumstances. It’s just what they do. Yes, it’s part of their internal make-up. More so, however, it’s a decision.

Even if their level of talent or their circumstances would dictate that they are only statistically likely to achieve a certain level, they find the strength to persevere until they make it happen. They are able to do so, not because they believe in predetermined limitations, but because they believe in the power of every individual to create their own circumstances and rise above their own very real limitations.

This includes – but is far from limited to – real-life Horatio Alger-type “rags to riches” stories such as the inner-city minority from a broken home with difficulties in school who became a famous neurosurgeon; or the saint who devoted her life to helping the desparately impoverished; the high school dropout, drug-abusing, spent time in jail,shot in the gut and left for dead, former Pancake House cook who is now a multi-millionaire teaching prosperity to others; the abused little girl who became famous and uses her celebrity to help others in numerous ways; the young boy who went from dire-poverty to printing apprentice to Founder of a country; the daughter of a welder who would go on to found a cookie empire to…well, the list could go on and on and on.

One of my closest friends is a woman who escaped Communist Russia via a black-market plane ticket, arriving in New York City with $1 in her pocket and absolutely zero words of English in her vocabulary! Her one “contact” rejected seeing her. Starting from scratch, she has become a huge success. Alone? Not at all. But that’s hardly the point.

Mr. Gladwell, as evidenced throughout his book, will credit their success, not to them as individuals, but to everything in their background, even that which gave them the ability to take what they were given and achieve the huge level of success they achieved. And, again, I agree; it all plays a part.

But it’s the individual – that man or woman with belief in themselves and the willingness to perservere through the many challenges and pitfalls they face – who decides what he or she is going to do with it. And that – in my opinion – is why some reach the status of outlier while most do not.

What do you think?