In Part Three of our Three-Part series, “Ten Pathways to Positive Speech” we saw that Pathway Number Ten was to forgive. If you’ve been wronged, let it go. Often, it’s not as important to do this for the other person’s sake as it is to do it for your sake.

The ability to forgive (and yes, forget) elicits a healthier, happier and less stressful life for the those who can do this.

As a person who – for years – held bitter grudges against people who’d wronged me (both for real and others whose “sins against me” I’d built up more in my own mind), I can attest that a spirit of forgiveness and forgetness makes for a much richer and happier life. And, for very selfish reasons.

I believe it was Gandhi who said, “Holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Or, it might have been my old buddy, Tom Davis who said that; I’m not sure.)

So, I was delighted when a man I’ve had the privilege of getting to know over the past year both as a friend and a client, Joe Vizi posted the following in the comments section after Part Three:

“Just buried the hatchet with my neighbor. Six months of no talking has ended. I feel so much better!”

Joe, I’m so proud of you. And, I appreciate the private email you sent me with a fuller explanation. If you wouldn’t mind posting it in the Comments section here, that would be terrific. Only if you feel comfortable doing so, of course.

The Talmud asks, “Who is Mighty?” and answers, “The one who can control his emotions and make, of an enemy, a friend.” And, that’s exactly what Joe did.

How often has history also taught us that former enemies who become friends often become some of our closest, most loyal and life-enriching friends?

Of course, often, the act of forgiveness will not take an inter-personal form as it did with Joe and his neighbor. Much of the time you’ll simply make the decision to forgive someone who doesn’t even know they’ve been living in your mind. And, it will simply be a life-affirming pleasure to gently and emotionally remove them.

Any examples of the above you’d like to share?

Is there anyone today you can simply forgive…and yes, forget, the wrong they did to you?

I recently tweeted a quote from Napoleon Hill that he considered one of the “14 Secrets to Success” (from his book, The Magic Ladder to Success). The quote read:

“I enter into no arguments with people over trivial matters.”

It reminded me of a situation last week when I nearly allowed myself to fall into this trap.

As one who possesses the inclination to “have to be right” as well as the need to communicate that “rightness” (believe me, I’m not bragging about that inclination. I’ve worked hard to overcome it and am most of the way there), it’s easy for me to debate a topic until I feel the person understands and accepts my view.

The key question is, “why?” Why would I – or anyone – have the need to do so when the matter is trivial? (I’d say “ego” but that’s another blog post)

*Please don’t confuse this with approaching a matter that is indeed important. There is a time and place where you discuss until the point that one of you changes their mind or you simply agree to disagree.

This was not, however, one of those rare times. It was one of the 95 percent of the times when being right – and just as importantly – making the other person wrong, and making them feel wrong, would have been totally counterproductive.

How do we avoid this trap? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me: 

1. Be Aware of The Problem: We must acknowledge this tendency in order to be able to correct it.
2. Be Aware of The Specific Situation:  Is it about to happen? Catch yourself before “jumping in.”
3. Ask Yourself If Any Good Can Come Out of It: If you prove yourself right and him or her wrong, will anything change for the better in the big scheme of things? Is it necessary for you to do this?
4. Ask Yourself What Might Be The Result: Will arguing over this trivial matter cause this person to like you more? Dislike You? Feel emotionally safer with you? Feel emotionally less safe with you? Will he or she feel good about you? Will he or she resent you?

Any other thoughts on this topic or suggestions for overcoming this habit? Feel free to share.

Whether in business, interpersonal relationships or sports, it’s the fundamentals; the basics, that will make or break you in terms of success.

I thought about that this weekend as I watched my Florida Marlins lose their second two-out-of-three game series in a row, first to the Houston Astros, then to the Atlanta Braves. This after completing several very impressive winning series. What was the difference? Yes, the basics.

The Marlins are a young team, and with the lowest payroll in the league. However, they also have some great, great talent. Besides that, they play hard, consistently and they simply don’t give up.

And, they often win…except for when they don’t execute the fundamentals, such as “situational hitting”, bunting, and heads-up base running. (Defensively they rarely hurt themselves.)

When they do the little things right, they win. When they do the little things wrong, they lose. Hmm, maybe the “little things” aren’t so little, in the big scheme of things.

Isn’t this true about the other two areas of life mentioned above, as well?

 If you agree, write in and let us know. Feel free to share specific examples.

My friend, Patricia Fripp, built her fortune, first as an owner of salons, and then as a speaker and author, by living the following principle:

“Don’t concentrate on making a lot of money, but rather on becoming the type of person people want to do business with.”

“What!?” you may be asking. “But, Burg, you avowed and unapologetic capitalist; are you saying we shouldn’t focus on making money?” Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. But only if you want to make a LOT of money.

More confused than ever? Please allow me to ’splain. If you focus on making money, you’ll make a living, and make some money. If, on the other hand, you take Ms. Fripp’s advice and become the type of person people want to do business with, you’ll take your business to an entirely new level.

You’ll consistently build the “know you, like you, trust you” relationships with people who will gladly connect you with those in their network with the understanding that you’ll always do a superb job and make them look good. Because you’ll earn a reputation as a person of principle and character (and competence), you’ll be sought out as special. In a world filled with distrust of salespeople and business people, you’ll stand out from the crowd, and profit and abundance will be the result.

In other words, be good. Both in terms of character and competence. It’s good business and it’s good for business.

In Part One we briefly discussed Malcolm Gladwell’s very interesting book, Outliers. My summation was that, as brilliantly written as it was, he – based on his personal world view – came to a conclusion about what makes one hugely successful that is highly different from mine (I, of course, operate from my own world view, very opposite of his and thus respectfully believe he is incorrect).

Mr. Gladwell believes that circumstances (i.e., luck) are mainly responsible for the ultra-success that outliers obtain. I believe that – while circumstances certainly play a part – it’s the individual who is mainly responsible for their success or failure, mediocrity, or ultra-success.

{Note: when I talk about the individual being “responsible” that is not to in any way imply that they necessarily “do it alone.”}

I believe that winners win. They simply find a way to win, regardless of the “cards they’ve been dealt.” How often do we see people with very similar backgrounds, circumstances, environments (indeed, siblings) take two completely different paths; one consistently winning and the other consistently losing?

Years ago, I recall reading in my friend, Dan Kennedy’s newsletter a quick piece he wrote about Doug Flutie, the former star quarterback. He wrote (paraphrased), “Winners find a way to win, regardless of the circumstances. Flutie won in college, won in the Canadian Football League and won in the National Football League, all leagues with different rules; one with very different field dimensions.

Okay, that’s a very simple and specific example, but within it were some key thoughts: “Winners find a way” to win, and they do so “regardless of the circumstances.”

I believe Dan hit upon the key. Winners simply find a way to win, and they do so regardless of outside circumstances. It’s just what they do. Yes, it’s part of their internal make-up. More so, however, it’s a decision.

Even if their level of talent or their circumstances would dictate that they are only statistically likely to achieve a certain level, they find the strength to persevere until they make it happen. They are able to do so, not because they believe in predetermined limitations, but because they believe in the power of every individual to create their own circumstances and rise above their own very real limitations.

This includes – but is far from limited to – real-life Horatio Alger-type “rags to riches” stories such as the inner-city minority from a broken home with difficulties in school who became a famous neurosurgeon; or the saint who devoted her life to helping the desparately impoverished; the high school dropout, drug-abusing, spent time in jail,shot in the gut and left for dead, former Pancake House cook who is now a multi-millionaire teaching prosperity to others; the abused little girl who became famous and uses her celebrity to help others in numerous ways; the young boy who went from dire-poverty to printing apprentice to Founder of a country; the daughter of a welder who would go on to found a cookie empire to…well, the list could go on and on and on.

One of my closest friends is a woman who escaped Communist Russia via a black-market plane ticket, arriving in New York City with $1 in her pocket and absolutely zero words of English in her vocabulary! Her one “contact” rejected seeing her. Starting from scratch, she has become a huge success. Alone? Not at all. But that’s hardly the point.

Mr. Gladwell, as evidenced throughout his book, will credit their success, not to them as individuals, but to everything in their background, even that which gave them the ability to take what they were given and achieve the huge level of success they achieved. And, again, I agree; it all plays a part.

But it’s the individual – that man or woman with belief in themselves and the willingness to perservere through the many challenges and pitfalls they face – who decides what he or she is going to do with it. And that – in my opinion – is why some reach the status of outlier while most do not.

What do you think?

Recently, I had the opportunity to read Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book, Outliers. The man is indeed brilliant; you’ve gotta’ love his eye for details and his research is phenomenal. However, I think that – like most of us – he comes to conclusions based on an already-established belief system. In other words, he sees the world in a certain way and tends to interpret his evidence to support that world-view.

I notice I have a tendency to do the same thing. This is one reason why it’s so important that we not only check our own premises (to keep ourselves from doing this as much as humanly possible) but that – before we accept the ideas of someone else just because they speak in front of lots of people and write books  – we check their premises, as well. Learn their worldview first and you’ll see how much it encompasses and affects their entire message.

Yes, I’m including not just Mr. Gladwell, but everyone with a platform – including me – in the above statement. While I’m pointing my index finger outward, I’m pointing three others fingers back at myself (my thumb simply won’t bend that far backwards).

Actually, apparently Confucius realized this about himself, as well because one of his most famous quotes warns us not to blindly accept the teachings of anyone…including his.

So, what was Mr. Gladwell’s basic conclusion that, to me, seemed to be a stretch to connect his research with his pre-conceived worldview? It was that – in terms of accomplishment – luck is more important to success than the individual himself or herself. In other words, that without a very unique set of circumstances, including year of birth, place of birth, one’s parents, culture, state of technology, etc., outliers (basically, those individuals who have accomplished extraordinary success) wouldn’t necessarily be as successful as they are.

Well, literally, I would imagine that’s true. We are what we are in part because of all those things. However, that’s also what is known as a “straw man.” There is truth within it, but it’s not the entire story. We all have free will to work within the context of our external factors and succeed or not succeed both because of them and in spite of them.

However, Mr. Gladwell’s conclusions, in large part, say to the reader, “If you haven’t accomplished great things, don’t take it personally; it’s not you; you simply didn’t have the “luck” that these people had.

And, it’s easy to see that this, indeed, is the author’s world-view. Of course, mine being different, I would reach a different conclusion.

Regardless of how much ‘the hand we’re dealt’ actually affects our outcome, what I can say with 100% certainty is that belief in that message of predestined limitations does not serve anyone well. In fact, every day, people are rising above the crowd, rising above the very level that Mr. Gladwell would say is their destiny.

They are only able to do this because they don’t hold to Mr. Gladwell’s beliefs or conclusions. Rather than focusing on (and using as an excuse) the “norm” of the masses, they believe in the power of the individual and in self-determination. Ironically, the more individuals catch on to that way of thinking, the less the “norm” will be the…”the norm” 

In Part Two, we’ll see how this ties in to the title of this article and that – in my opinion – Winner’s Win…in pretty much any situation you put them.

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* None of the above is meant to imply that the author didn’t have some absolutely brilliant points. In fact, his first chapter, about the birth month of Canadian Hockey Players and the results is eye-opening and – in my opinion – pretty much indisputable. I highly recommend the book as it will definitely get you thinking. Just be aware of the author’s world-view while reading and don’t accept conclusions without asking “why?”

The same goes for when you read my books and articles, just like this one. Or…even the writings of Confucius. Hey, he even said so.

A quote by David H. Comins reads, “People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.”

Humorous, yes. And profound! Although I believe Mr. Comins was pointing out the universal respect people have to this day for the wisdom of Benjamin Franklin, his quote leads us to another point just as significant; the importance of “Third-party credibility.”

The term itself has several generally-accepted meanings, two of the most well-known being:

1. Your credibility in the mind of your prospect based on the recommendation of someone he or she already deems credible.  

2. The credibility you attain from others due to crediting another person with the information you are sharing.

It’s the second of the two definitions we will focus on in this article.

A very strange fact of life (though not totally when digging deep into the issue) is that the closer you are to someone emotionally, the less believable you are in most other areas. On the other hand, the farther away emotionally, the more believable you are. Thus, when you phrase your wisdom, opinion, instruction as having come from someone else (a third party), the person with whom you are sharing this information is much more likely to accept it as true and believable.

While this would seem to defy logic, it is absolutely true.  And, those who are humble enough to not care who gets the credit – and will consistently utilize this basic principle of human interaction – will find his or her persuasive abilities to hit new heights of effectiveness.

Third-Party Credibility is based on the human tendency to value the opinion/expertise of someone outside their circle of influence more than someone within (i.e. an outsider must know something we don’t).

Example: Assuming some advice your children hear is the exact same, are they more likely to believe and accept it from you or from the parent of their friend? From you, or from a teacher? From you, or even some other adult that they have just recently met? Most parents laugh knowingly when answering this question.

Have you ever heard the saying, “In order to be thought of as an expert you must be from 50 miles out of town and carrying a briefcase?”

If so, then you are familiar with the concept of third-party credibility. The key is to allow yourself to credit the wisdom, advice, instruction, etc. to someone else. The person you are trying to persuade will much more likely believe what you are saying, and you’ll all be happy.

The paradox is that by always giving away the credit (whether or not it’s to Ben Franklin), you’ll eventually be given even more credit.

Have you found the above-thoughts regarding third-party credibility to be true? Feel free to share any stories with us from your own personal experiences.

In Part One we defined Gossip as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share and mentioned some of its dangerously negative results. Over the first two segments, we looked at the first seven ways we could turn potential negative speech into positive speech, becoming a lot more effective and value-based in the process.

Let’s look at the final three of ten.

8. Honesty Really Is the Best Policy. Be careful to always tell the truth, unless it will unnecessarily hurt others, break your own privacy or in some other way cause needless pain or anguish.

Yes, strive for honesty in everything you do. But, if it’s between honesty and unnecessarily hurting another’s feelings, it’s better not to be so truthful. Those who boast about being “brutally honest” are usually more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest. Honesty, mixed with tact and kindness, is a recipe that typically serves well.

9. Learn to say “I’m Sorry.” Everyone makes mistakes. If you’ve spoken badly about someone, clear it up immediately.

It might be embarrassing, but get it over with quickly. Apologize, ask for forgiveness, and let him or her know it won’t happen again. By the way, if bringing up your mistake to that person will only hurt them more, then don’t apologize, but commit to not ever doing it again.

10. Forgive. If you have been wronged, let it go.

Forgive for your sake, if not for theirs. Those who can forgive live healthier, happier, and less stressful lives. Those who say they’ll “forgive but not forget” are actually saying that they’ll neither forgive nor forget.

Try these ten pathways for the next month. The good news is, if you slip up now and then, it only means you are human. Try again. I congratulate you simply for making the effort.

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The above is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul, which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik

In Part One we defined Gossip as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share and then mentioned some of its dangerously negative results. We then looked at the first three ways we could overcome this habit and use our power of speech with results that would add value to others and to the world. In this article, we’ll highlight four more.

4. See No Evil. Judge people favorably, the way you would want them to judge you.

If you’ve ever been accused of doing something for which you know you were innocent, then you know how it feels to be misjudged. Remember, if you weren’t there, you don’t know. And, even if you were, you may have missed what actually happened in context.

5. Beware of Speaking Evil Without Saying an Evil Word. Body language and even positive speech can bring tremendous destruction.

Whether a “knowing look” or nod, body language is often used to insult in place of direct words. And, even seemingly positive speech, such as telling someone who you know takes advantage of other’s kindness that a particular person will give you “the shirt of his back” – although it seems like positive speech, is not an act of kindness.

6. Be Humble, Avoid Arrogance. These will be your greatest weapons against destructive speech.

As Rabbi Noah Weinberg (of blessed memory) used to say, “Take ‘pleasure’ in your accomplishments, not ‘pride’.” This way you recognize the Ultimate Source of your accomplishments. And, the less arrogant/more humble one is, the less they feel the need to speak ill of others.

7. Beware of Repeating Information. Loose lips sink ships. Even positive information needs permission before being repeated.

Telling someone who’s out of a job that your mutual friend, Julie, got a raise, does not constitute proper speech. Or, mentioning to someone that a mutual friend is thinking of moving might get spread the kind of information that the friend who is moving just doesn’t want people to know.

In the next article, we’ll look at the remaining three pathways.

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The above is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik.

Gossip may be defined as any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share. Gossip can ruin lives, assassinate reputations, split families, alienate friends and destroy businesses. On the other hand, a gossip-free environment leads to peaceful lives, healthier relationships, and overall prosperity.

Yes, the gift of speech is a marvelous one, depending upon how it is used.

Would you like your words to soothe instead of sting? Heal instead of hurt? And build instead of burn? Following these ten pathways will help:

1. Speak No Evil. Say only positive statements. Let words of kindness be on your tongue.

This means to respond instead of react. Think first.  And, even, to “Edit your speech before you speak.”

2. Hear No Evil. Refuse to listen to gossip, slander and other negative forms of speech.

If you’re on a diet, don’t bring the cake and cookies into your home. If you’re attempting to live gossip-free, try and keep away from conversations that may tempt you to listen or chime in. Hint: If avoiding the conversation is impossible, have another topic of “positive’ interest you can quickly bring up in order to change the subject.

3. Don’t Rationalize Destructive Speech. Excuses like “But it’s true” or “I’m only joking”  just don’t cut it.

Gossip is gossip, anyway you look at it. Besides, the fact that it is true is what qualifies it as gossip. If it were not true, it would be libel or slander, depending upon the medium.

In the next article, we’ll look at several more ideas. Meanwhile, let me know what you think of these.

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The above article is based on the book, GOSSIP: Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul which I was privileged to coauthor with Lori Palatnik