In his excellent book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey cites Habit Number Five as, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Excellent advice. That one point will make everyone’s relationships much more, well…effective.

Complementary to that habit, it’s equally important to be sure that, in communicating your point, you do so in such a way that the other person understands you and what you mean to say.

I often suggest that when it comes to effective communication, the onus is always on us to be sure the other person understands our point/want/need. I’ll be forever grateful to one of my early mentors who told me, “Burg, when the shooter misses the target, it ain’t the target’s fault.”

We can’t expect others to put that burden of understanding on themselves so, if our goal is to be the most effective, positively powerful persuader we can be, we must accept that responsibility.

While keeping the importance of tact and diplomacy in mind, it’s imperative to be so clear in your message that there’s little or no chance of misinterpretation. In other words, avoid giving mixed messages.

What is a mixed message? Actually there are different types. Today, let’s focus on one. This is when a person says one thing, but follows it up with an “opposite.” For example, you say to your employee, “Al, I definitely need the specs by this Friday, but don’t rush if it’s going to mean a substandard job.”

Well, what exactly does this mean? Is Friday the deadline, or is excellence the top priority? What if, for whatever reason, both deadline and top quality are not possible? If Al doesn’t know enough (or know how) to ask for clarification, you might receive specs that are too late to present to your prospect, or not up to quality standards.

How do you ensure that *you* don’t fall victim to a mixed message? Simply by putting the onus of clarification on yourself. This is easiest when using an “I message.”

For example, imagine your boss tells you, “I definitely need the specs by this Friday, but don’t rush if it’s going to mean a substandard job.” You can say, “Mary, just for my own clarification, as I want to make sure and deliver the specs in the way you want them delivered, is it more important to you that…” and complete the question.

So, remember, it’s up to us to be sure our message is understood by the recipient, and that we understand their message. And, there’s nothing “mixed” about that.

A reader asked if I would post an article on, what he called, “business courtesy.” His premise is that, since we now have a huge number of communication media at our disposal, common courtesies such as returning phone calls, emails and other communiqués should be a no-brainer. Yet, he claims, we have – as a people – become ruder and ruder in this regard.

Though I’m not sure the level of rudeness is any greater than it ever was (because, actually, if often was), I still think he brings up an excellent point. What’s interesting to me is that in discussing this with some friends, the responses – from those who actually returned my calls, emails and tweets – were framed mainly in terms of time management. While that’s important – and certainly an area in which I myself certainly need improvement – I think the problem itself runs a lot deeper. I don’t believe time management is the core issue.

In my opinion, this actually has less to do with time management and technology and more to do with what one values. For example, everyone knows I return all telephone calls and emails and – assuming I’m in town or have access to email – I do it on a timely basis. Right or wrong, it is a value of mine; it’s something I believe is important and thus it happens.

On the other hand – and this is a biggie – my sense of time-management stinks and I definitely need to better manage the way I respond so that it allows me to be as productive as possible. I can easily get caught in the “non-productivity via non-productive communication” mode.

Others simply don’t place a value on this. It’s the way they are, it aligns with their value system, and that’s just the way it is. Some of them are not as successful as they could be because of this. Others are extremely successful – in my opinion – in spite of this. However, they are equal-opportunity “non-responders” so, you either like them or you don’t; you do business with them or you don’t; you associate with them or you don’t, by your own choosing; understanding that’s simply the rules they live by.

The ones that perhaps…for lack of a better term…offend my sensibilities are those who are “selective responders.” These are the people who respond only to those they feel can “do something” for them or serve their own agendas in some way. Of course, many would say that the person doing that is simply wise. Obviously, since it runs contrary to my personal philosophy, I would disagree.

I do believe that it is important to manage our time correctly and certainly not be a slave to every person who tries and contact us for their own agenda.

My feeling, though, is that, while modern technology has actually made time even scarcer because it’s given us so much more to do (again, my opinion only), it also makes it quite simple and painless to at least courteously respond, even if it’s just a quick email (NOT an autoresponder).

Depending upon the situation, it could say something like, “I’m so sorry; time right now doesn’t permit me to have a detailed correspondence. However, please know that it’s nothing personal and, if you can briefly provide me with some basic information, I can then determine if we should take it to the next level.”

With someone with whom you have an already familiar relationship it might be, “Pat, I’m sorry; have some time challenges at the moment, but didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you. ”

With that said, by and large, I find I can always take at least two or three minutes to speak with someone who really wants to speak with me. I do find myself more and more having to politely set “time boundaries” before these calls. And, that seems to work just fine.

Again, though; I’m really not sure I have this one completely correct and I’d love to know your opinion.

Leading a multi-week conference call series, the assignment between sessions was to focus on gratitude throughout the week. 

Reported one participant, Jose, “The more I focused on gratitude and what I was grateful for, the less negative self-talk was taking place in my head.”

All right, Jose! (and I literally mean, “all right!”)

Makes sense, doesn’t it? Shine a light and darkness disappears. When we shine the light of gratitude on the darkness of ungrateful thinking, the harmful sniping and self-talk practically disappears and we are happier.

After all, the mind cannot simultaneously hold two opposing thoughts. You simply cannot focus on gratitude…and feel miserable.

In my program, “Master Your Traits – Master Yourself” I devote one entire section to “Gratitude.” And, it’s the very first trait of the 13 in total. Why? Three reasons: 

#1 Gratitude is the foundation for all the other traits. Like the physical foundation that allows a high-rise building to stay standing tall and sturdy, unfazed by strong and unrelenting winds, gratitude is the emotional foundation upon which all of the other traits/characteristics can flourish. 

#2 Your level of gratitude determines your level of happiness, as well as your potential for success. It’s difficult to be happy without gratitude. Let’s face it, constantly focus on the negative and living life just doesn’t feel very good. When you don’t feel very good, it’s difficult to be successful. Sure, people who are angry, resentful, depressed, etc., can still make money (though, not as often and not as easily as they otherwise would), but are still not “successful” in terms of feeling good about themselves and what they’ve accomplished. 

#3 Gratitude keeps you closer to the Source Who provides us the many reasons to be grateful. According to Wallace D. Wattles, in his classic, The Science of Getting Rich, the nearer we are to the Source of all good, the more good we will receive. He says,

“…a soul that is always grateful lives in closer touch with the Creator than one who never looks to Him in thankful acknowledgment. When good things come to us, the more gratefully we fix our minds on the Supreme Power, the more good things we will receive – and the more rapidly they will come. The reason for this is simply that the mental attitude of gratitude draws the mind into closer touch with the Source from which the blessings come.”

And, this could actually be a fourth reason; being grateful is physically healthier than not being grateful. In her excellent book, Ready, Set…Grow, Dondi Scumaci referred to a number of studies that showed a direct line between gratitude and health, summing it up by saying:

“Gratitude is a powerful thing. It produces resiliency and hope. Gratitude encourages the heart. Gratitude heals.”

So, a suggestion for the coming week? Be like Jose and focus on gratitude; 24/7 if you can. To help you do this, write the word “Gratitude” on a yellow “sticky note” and put it everywhere you can see it during the day; on your computer, on your walls, on your bathroom mirror, on your telephone. And, every time you see it, ask yourself, “For what do I have to be grateful?”

Remember: it doesn’t have to be anything more than being grateful for your sight, hearing, senses of touch, taste or smell, ability to walk, breathe without a respirator, having a roof over your head, food in your stomach or that delicious first cup of coffee in the morning, etc.

So, in cultivating the Habit of Happiness, it all seems to come down to Gratitude. And, despite external circumstances, an “attitude of gratitude” is always within our control.

Summing up Part One, we could say that Happiness is both a decision and a skill-set. And, we can actually develop the Habit of Happiness.

In this article, I’d like to quote several passages from one of my favorite books on this topic. Appropriately enough, it’s entitled Happiness. The author is my dear friend, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. He writes:

“We each have much to appreciate and enjoy every day of our lives. What stops us? It’s easy to take for granted  that which we already have. We are excited with new things. We focus on the pleasure and feel good. After we get used to what we have, we tend not to focus on it any longer. We tend to focus instead on what we don’t have. The Sages taught, ‘He who has one hundred wants two hundred.’ Focusing on what you are missing makes you overlook what you have.”

He suggested the following exercise, which helped me a great deal in the days when I was not as appreciative of all my blessing as I should have been:

“Train your brain to become more mindfully aware of all that you can appreciate and enjoy. Be mindful of your ability to see. Be mindful of your ability to hear. Be mindful of your ability to talk. Be mindful of your ability to walk. Be mindful about your ability to move your hands, and to lift, pull, turn, press, and hold things with them. This alone will transform your life. The person who is mindful about these things will have a brain that is so full of appreciation and enjoyment that it will be free from many of the thoughts and pictures that create bad feelings.”

He then went on to list a large amount of other things, gifts and possessions that one might take for granted and suggesting:

“Imagine how appreciative you would feel if you were missing all that you have and then you obtained them one by one. This is a great exercise to practice when your mind is free and otherwise would focus on worries or on unhappiness-producing thoughts.”

It certainly helped me. Now, I was thinking this was going to be a two-part series but, would it be okay with you if we took it one step further?

Until next time, Be Happy (I know, I could have said “Don’t Worry Be Happy” but the younger readers probably don’t remember that hit song by Bobby McFerrin).

President Abraham Lincoln is quoted as saying, “A man is about as happy as he makes up his mind to be.” I believe that is very wise, and nearly 100 percent correct. I also think that – for those who do not have the natural inclination to be happy and don’t have the to knowledge to create this state of mind - any man or woman can benefit from learning happiness skills and habits.

There are numerous books on this topic, many of them terrific, including (but certainly not limited to) The Art of Happiness by the Dali Lama and Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff.

I’m currently re-studying Maxwell Maltz’ classic, Psycho-Cybernetics. He taught that, through our “creative mechanism” we can develop the correct responses to situations that result in a formed positive habit; in other words, without having to “think or decide.”

In his chapter entitled, Acquiring The Habit of Happiness” Dr. Maltz noted that ”fully 95% of our behavior, feeling, and response is habitual…what we need to understand is that these {negative} habits…can be modified, changed or reversed simply by taking the trouble to make a conscious decision and then, practicing or ‘acting out’ the new response or behavior.”

Sounds like good news to me. In other words, if one truly desires to be happy and is willing to consciously change their habitual responses in order to form a new habit, they can actually be a “Happy Person.

In Part 2 we’ll look at a very easy practice exercise to get us on our way to this very worthwhile goal by tapping into another of my favorite books on this topic.