As human beings, we have the ability, and the choice, to lift people up or to put them down. And we don’t even have to speak to them directly in order to do either. In this article (originally published in 2000), you’ll meet my Dad, Mike Burg. He’s always had the most amazing gift for making people feel good about themselves and, while I’ve tried to emulate that trait, I’ve never been able to do it to the degree he has (though…he’d tell me different).

Here’s the article, with only one update, which is near the end, and noted in parenthesis:

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The Master of GoodSpeak

Have you ever known of someone who sets an example you can learn from, emulate, and utilize for the rest of your life?

Such a person is my Dad.

Dad’s ability isn’t only finding the good in everyone, but also verbalizing it. He’s mastered building people both directly and to others. Most people gossip. Dad finds and speaks the good. When he must correct, it’s always with tact and kindness.

Most people relate to others the bad spoken of them, creating conflict. Dad always relates the good someone said about them, bringing people closer together.

Question: Have you ever heard husbands, when speaking to others, make unkind remarks about their wives? It’s one of those macho things, right? Sure, they’re “only kidding,” but words matter. Examples, good and bad, are set, especially for children.

Dad ALWAYS speaks of Mom in the most complimentary, glowing terms. As does she of him. They began poor and built a successful business. Although Dad was the one in the public eye and Mom more comfortable behind the scenes, Dad always made sure everyone knew who he considered to be the true driving force behind the business.

My favorite “Dad story” took place when I was 12. We were having carpet installed in our home. The crew boss was one of those stereotypical beer-guzzlin’, hard-livin’ guys, who would have probably belonged to Ralph Kramden’s Raccoon Lodge from the old Honeymooner’s TV show (nothing wrong with that – just painting a picture).

For lunch, my folks bought pizza for the crew. Dad went to talk with the boss about the job. I was around the corner listening.

The boss said, “This is an expensive job. Women will really spend your money, won’t they?”

Dad responded, “Well, I’ll tell you, when they were right there with you before you had any money, it’s a pleasure to do anything for them you possibly can.”

This wasn’t the answer he expected. He was looking for negative talk about wives which, to him, was normal. And, Dad, with his natural “street way” that never fully left him as  well as the type of personality to which everyone always felt  they could relate, most likely seemed like someone with whom the crew boss could bond. He tried again, “But, gee, they’ll really play off that and spend all they can, won’t they?”

Dad replied, as I knew he would, “Hey, when they’re the reason you’re successful, you want them to do the things they enjoy. There’s no greater pleasure.” Strike two.

The crew boss tried one more time, sort of stumbling, “And…uhhh, they’ll take that as far as they can, huh?” Dad responded, “She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d do anything to make her happy.”

I was trying not to laugh. I knew he wanted Dad to give in just a little bit and say, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” But I knew that wouldn’t happen…not in a million years!

Please understand; my Dad did not in any way speak in a condescending manner. He was simply himself; a person who loved and respected his wife (my Mom) so much that there is no way he would give in and participate in that type of talk.

Finally, the boss gave up. Maybe he learned something about respecting one’s spouse. Maybe not. But it taught a young boy a lot about the power of respect and edification.

Mom and Dad recently celebrated their 53rd wedding anniversary (updated since original article, of course) . They still hold hands, and are more in love than ever. In fact, they adore one another. Would there be any doubt?

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{From Bob to his Dad}: Pa* I wish you a Very Happy Father’s Day and for you to know how much I love you; which, though you already know, I don’t feel I could ever say enough times.

*Dad’s name unofficially became “Pa” 18 years ago because his granddaughter, Samantha, could not say “Grandpa.” The name just sort of took.

(If you’re just joining this series, feel free to read the previous installments.)

Check Your Health Care Premises (Part 4)

Over the first three parts of this series, we’ve seen that:

• 1. Our once magnificent healthcare system is broken.
• 2. Government is the one that broke it (and, amazingly enough, is being asked by the multitude to fix it).
• 3. Universal Health Care is much costlier and results in many people not getting the important care they need, when they need it. It also, in many instances, denies the individual the all-important right to make the choices and decisions they feel are in the best interests of themselves and their loved ones; instead putting those decisions into the hands of a bureaucrat. 

The problem is, although Universal Health Care is not nearly as effective as a Free-Market system, we need to go back to point number one and agree that our present system is broken and change is needed. Then we need to be extremely clear about something. As mentioned in the first article of this “series within a series”…

The current U.S. Healthcare System is NOT Market-Based!

Fortunately, the solution is actually quite simple. Get the government out of our healthcare system and let the free marketplace, private charity and loving-kindness do what it once did; provide us with a healthcare system that really works.

A couple of goodies include the fact that with a free-market health care system, prices for health care would be much, much lower than they are now. So more people could naturally afford adequate health care. The government has messed up the natural market (including supply and demand) so badly that costs have rises sky high.

So, first, lower prices solves a lot of problems. Then, it’s taking away government’s power to give the insurance companies control over the drug marketplace. Again, with alternative medicines able to do their work, the drug companies would have to come way down on prices. Then, with decreases in needless regulations, there would be more doctors and other health practitioners, creating competition and lower prices, with service much better than it is now. And, for those relative few percentage-wise who still can’t afford it, sliding scales and charities would cover the rest (as it used to, and quite well).

Yes, it sounds simple . . . because it is! Get government OUT of healthcare in every way but the protection of force and fraud (their two legitimate functions when it comes to business) and then just watch what happens. Our health care system will once again be the envy of the world and – more importantly – it will again work for all of us, including the children the elderly and the less fortunate.

Please, please don’t buy into this government and politically-based nonsense of Universal Healthcare. And, don’t buy into those such as Michael Moore; as well-intentioned as he probably is and the politicians, as well-intended as they might possibly be. Or, to the masses, as well-intentioned as they absolutely are.

This is simply too, too important to not think through in depth and detail. Please don’t let emotions make this decision for you.

Instead, check your premises.

*Note. Although this article was inended to complete the series on Healthcare, I added one more, which you can find here.

My friend, Art Jonak tweeted the following, which I’ll display in long-hand since this blog does not have the challenge of keeping thoughts to 140 characters (hmmm, are you thinking that, perhaps this blog should have that challenge?)

“Aberrant Behavior breaks trust. True leaders make decisions based on their principles. This creates consistent behavior & trust.”

Let’s first look at the quote to make sure we agree with its meaning. Aberrant relates to something different from the norm; in this case, it would mean an inconsistency of the leader in question. The quote, up to that point, simply means that when a leader is inconsistent, it breaks trust.

This would seem to be true, just as when parents are inconsistent with their children, a teacher with his students, or a coach with her players. As human beings, we relate to consistency. Actually, we are hard-wired to be secure with consistency.

All else being equal (in other words, assuming we buy into their mission and are in alignment with their goals, mission and basic character), we trust the person who is consistent. To this point in the quote, it has nothing to do with the leader, parent, teacher or coach being a “good” person or not; we’re just discussing trust as it relates to consistency.

Now, let’s look at the second part,that (true) leaders make decisions based on their (guiding) principles. I suggest this is also very true. Again, this is not even to suggest that this leader is a “good” person with “good intent.” There have been many evil people; tyrants who were great leaders when the term “leader” is defined as one who leads others in a particular cause or pursuit, or towards a particular goal.

(It goes without saying that hopefully their goals and ambitions, as well as the internal principles that guide them, are in fact what most of us would consider to be “good” or “worthy.”)

And, when these leaders – for good or evil purposes – make decisions that are consistent and based on their guiding principles (remember, these guiding principles aren’t necessarily good or bad…they just “are”) then they are most likely very effective leaders.

When a leader bases every decision he or she makes on the foundation of their guiding principles, this – by its very nature – creates consistent behavior. And, as suggested at the very beginning, the consistent behavior creates trust.

This does not mean that he or she doesn’t admit mistakes; not at all. Only that every decision is based on the clear set of principles and guidelines. Consistency breeds trust. And, those who can respect their leader for their integrity and consistency are a lot happier and more secure than those who really doesn’t know where their leader stands.

In a family, for example, it doesn’t mean that Mom or Dad don’t admit to making mistakes and even change some decisions they’ve made based on new information. But they are absolutely and completely consistent on principle (their children are not allowed to lie, steal, bully others, they must address elders with respect, etc.).

What about you? Are there leaders you have followed who – when you think about it – were effective, at least in part, because of their consistency? Any whom you didn’t quite trust as deeply for the opposite reason? What about you as a leader – is consistency based on guiding principles something about which you are ruthlessly watchful?

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

“Expecting someone to be helpful doesn’t change them, it changes you.  And that is what changes them.”

–Bob Burg (Did I just quote myself?)

You’re about to go into a sales presentation with a prospect you’ve heard can be a real bear. Or, you’re about to ask the customer service representative with a sour look on her face to exchange an item you don’t like but you lost the receipt.

Perhaps you need to ask one of your vendors to rush an order for you knowing he gets panicky when asked to do that. Or…or…any one of hundreds of situations where it would sure be a lot better if the person you needed to approach would be kind, smiling and ready to be helpful.

Both for long-term and immediate results, when you want to bring out a response in a person that meets your needs, act towards that person as though that’s how you expect them to respond. Yes, approach them believing they’re going to want to give you what you desire.

Before you think I’m totally crazy (actually, I’m just a little crazy) , talking “hocus-pocus” or suggesting that “just by thinking about it that’s what will automatically happen” please know that’s not it. That isn’t what I’m saying. What will hap­pen, however, is that when you predetermine someone’s attitude or action in your own mind as being positive and helpful, you yourself take on a corresponding attitude (of course, the opposite would also be true). Yes, you change, which transfers directly into him or her changing their original attitude and acting in the appropriate solution-oriented manner.

Let’s look at two opposite approaches to the following situation and see how they might work out: You are about to approach an office worker at your local city hall. His reputation is that he takes pleasure in acting the part of the bureaucrat, goes “by the book” on everything and generally make it difficult to attain satisfaction.

#1 If you were to go in with a scowl expecting to get into a “knock down-drag out”, do you agree that you would be met by a person who would be very difficult to deal with? Sure, because you are setting the Matrix (the premise from which everything else will originate) of a battle.

#2 Instead, not only do you put a genuine, sincere smile on your face, but you actually expect that person to be warm, welcoming and helpful. Do you think He’ll have a much different attitude than in the above example? I hope you said yes because it happens practically all of the time; not just to me but to most everyone who practices these methods that we discuss in these articles.**

Your question might be “Why does that happen?”

You see, the reason is that, by adjusting our attitude – by genuinely liking this person and thinking highly of them, and expecting only the best from them – we are acting in that way, as well. And, if that person is like most everyone else (and he most likely is), how can he not like someone who likes him so much and expects from him only the best?

Yes, this works. In fact, it works in amazing ways with a vast number of people. (Hey, I know this works when people do this with me, and I’m the one supposedly teaching it.)

Before doubting this, do it with sincerity several times. I guarantee you’ll walk away in amazement and it will change the way you approach the normally difficult people. More importantly, it will change the results you usually get and you’ll find this makes your actions much more productive and your life a lot less stressful!

This happens to be one of the most powerful methods of positive persuasion there is, and we need to practice it until it becomes habit. It’s a habit that will pay off for you continually throughout your life.

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** This doesn’t necessarily mean you are automatically going to get what you want (though indeed that happens quite often). It does mean that as you try and work things out together you are you are coming from a matrix – or foundation – of cooperation and not antagonism.

This morning on Twitter I posted the following:

“Trying 2 persuade w/o 1st eliciting like & trust is as futile as…as…darn, hate when I can’t come up w a clever ending. ”

Almost immediately, I received a bunch of terrific responses that very effectively filled in the blank that I couldn’t. Rather than listing all the great endings – there were some really good ones and I don’t want to leave anyone out due to space limitations – I’ll just say that they all had one thing in common . . .

“It simply wouldn’t work.”

And I believe they’re correct. You see, in order to persuade (actually cause someone to take action, whether physically or in their thought process, different than what they are presently set on doing or thinking) we must first inspire them to like us and to trust us. This is true even if they already like us and trust us. Because, yes, we’re also talking about family members, friends and associates as well as those we might just meet or have to deal with in a unique, one-time situation.

The quickest and most effective way to elicit these good feelings toward us is to help that person feel good about themselves.

This is perhaps the key element when it comes to the art of influence and persuasion; what I call Winning Without Intimidation.

At their most basic level, people want and desire to feel good about themselves; to feel liked, loved, respected, acknowledged, cared about, and to have a healthy self-image. When you help them to feel this way, they are more likely to feel good about you and thus be much more amenable to your ideas and suggestions.

Of course, this is where the difference between persuasion and manipulation comes into play.

As Dr. Paul Swets, author of the excellent book, The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen advises:

“Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation. It results in a win/lose situation. It does not consider the good of the other party. Persuasion is just the opposite. In contrast to the manipulator, the persuader seeks to enhance the self-esteem of the other party. The result is that people respond better because they are treated as responsible, self-directing individuals.”

The point is, as long as your intentions are pure, then making the other person feel good about themselves is the right course of action, both for its own sake, as well as for persuading that person to take the action you deem correct.

So, the next time you are attempting to persuade, consciously ask yourself, “is this person ready to be persuaded by me? Is he or she feeling good enough about themselves (thus, good about me) to move from defending their position to doing what is correct?”